My feed

to access all these features


Aibu- dh deflecting all decisions back to me

78 replies

Tiredandfedupofitall · 27/12/2019 22:44

It’s driving me mad, and I don’t know what to do about it. DH will deflect every single decision about everything to ensure that anyone but himself is r esponsible for it.

It’s so innocuous, each individual query alone. Do you want me to put the bins out? Do want to try Ds’ phone Vr headset? (I wouldn’t have a clue). Do we want to invite xx round? Do you want me to run ds a bath?

I don’t know how he has managed to hold down a good job, when he can’t take responsibility for a decision. But he has.

Can you see, how innocuous it is? He says ‘do you want me to run ds a bath?’ Well, yes, that would be useful as you know full well its ds’ bath day so you could just go up and run it. But, no bother, I can do it myself.

Do we want to try out the headset we’re giving as a gift to make sure it works? Well, yes, we could, but I was assuming you had the tech knowledge to do that. I don’t, so we can’t. ‘Do you want me to put the bins out?’ Well, no, I’d rather pay someone to do it. But, if you’re offering to put the bins out because you notice it’s actually bin day they need doing , that is great.

I know the examples I’ve given aren’t great. It really is innocuous, one example at a time makes hi sound d so considerate and loving,

But, honestly, every decision that dh has to make, he makes it because he puts the responsibility of that choice onto someone else. He never, ever, ever makes a decision of his own. Ever.

If you think I’m being unreasonable, maybe I’ll log all of the decisions he offloads for a week, then come back and post them in context. Honestly, he doesn’t take responsibility for any family decision. Meaning everything that goes wrong is my fault, as it wasn’t his decision,,..

What do I do?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

266 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Bringmewineandcake · 27/12/2019 22:51

His inability to make a decision is one of the main reasons my DH is now my ex...
It's exhausting, you have my sympathy.

Could you start by just responding "I don't know, you decide". Irritating but it might get the point across?

Turniptracker · 27/12/2019 22:51

This is a real thing. One of mine includes him never choosing what to watch on TV, I always have to trawl through the channels to find something good on because he "doesn't care what we watch". Ugh
Point it out to him every single time and tell him to be more assertive. Ask him why he speaks like that. Has he found you are happier when you are in control? I'm like this but I also want someone else to step up and take decision making pressure off me

Episcomama · 27/12/2019 22:54

It doesn't sound loving it sounds passive aggressive and irritating. And it leaves the door open for you to get the blame if one of "your" decisions doesn't turn out well.

My husband's the same. Annoying doesn't even cover it.

Pushmepullyou · 27/12/2019 22:55

My DH does this. It is infuriating. After 15+ years it is making me not want to be with him any more

AloneLonelyLoner · 27/12/2019 22:58

I have this and I hate the fact that I'm doing all the life labour and decision-making, but I put that down to the fact that at work I'm making hard decisions all the damn time, all day, every day so coming home to it too cheeses me off.

Does he have to decide constantly at work?

LellyMcKelly · 27/12/2019 22:58

“I don’t know. What do you think, darling?” Or, “I trust your judgement.” Or (and this really worked, though I regretted the forcefulness of it a little) “You manage to run a major fucking department. Why the fuck can’t you make a simple decision here? I don’t give a fuck. Pasta will do. You’re not that fucking stupid.”

Tiredandfedupofitall · 27/12/2019 22:59

His family is very matriarchal. They defer to his mum, whether she is being reasonable or not. I didn’t realise the implications of this till a few years ago. I don’t want to be a matriarch, but oh wants me to decide everything that isn’t work related for him. Ok, I work from home, during school hours to fit the children - I work no where near the hours that he does. My entire years salary equates less than his bonuses, so I’m not worth much :(

But, still, every decision has to be mine. So, if it’s wrong, it’s my fault ;(

OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 27/12/2019 23:00

TF it's not just me! Yes!! And I always feel so unreasonable when I blow up about it! I would just love him to give enough of a shiny shit about any of the tedious bore-crap that makes up our daily life that he just took some of it off me for once...

Michaelbaubles · 27/12/2019 23:01

My exH is like this. He still does it now. And if I shrug and don’t do it for him he’ll turn up flustered and blathering about how everything went wrong and so on (implication, even though I don’t think he consciously means it, that if only I’d helped out it wouldn’t have happened).

timeisnotaline · 27/12/2019 23:02

I don’t know, you decide. To everything for a week. And, you need to get in first. What do you want for dinner? Do you want to do x? What should we do today? Declare it the post Christmas week of mummy doesn’t decide things (because it’s fucking exhausting). Revisit every year.

RippleEffects · 27/12/2019 23:03

I have this with DH. We've been re-evaluating share of household chores and I've allocated lots of task management roles to make it clear.

If he has to ask which bin to put out and if the household bins need emptying that's me managing that task so a 50/ 50 task. He can't claim it as his task. If I have to man-manage all his chores I'm doing a 75% share of the work. So either he does it all and I manage him redoing it all or he accepts the whole task and gets it done without 50 questions, 50 excuses or the need for me to hear 'You only have to ask, stop having a go' which almost drove me to divorce.

OhCumInMyFaceful · 27/12/2019 23:03

My partner does this. It drives me crazy. He doesn't ask if I want him to do something, that would imply he notices it needs doing. But he has to ask me about everything and generally for my say/ opinion/ choice. I've told him before that I'd love to be surprised with random trips out that I've not had to choose and plan. But nope.

Stefoscope · 27/12/2019 23:04

Have you ever responded with 'well what do you think'? I'd find it hard not to get a bit sarky if I was being met with these inane questions all the time. Having said that, my DP has yet to consider that the bins might need to go out each week Wink.

Wheresmrlion · 27/12/2019 23:05

We go through phases of this. Drives me round the bloody bend.

I’ve learnt to throw it back at him, useful phrases include ‘I don’t know, what do you think?’ ‘it’s up to you’ ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘you decide’.

Sometimes I think it’s laziness, sometimes genuinely not wanting to step on my toes regarding certain decisions. It’s worse the first couple of days of say a holiday together, we almost have to sort of work out exactly who is responsible for what and learn to fit together again.

BestZebbie · 27/12/2019 23:07

YANBU. If you can be arsed, you can probably reduce the frequency by making him do a worked example step by step out loud with you every time he tries it, so he still has to go through the thinking and share the responsibility. eg: "Do you want me to run a bath?" "Oh, I don't know darling. Let's see...when he he last have a bath? How often doe he get bathed? Is it bathnight? Are you free to do it? - I'm in the middle of something right now, as you can see, so yes, that would be a good idea of yours".

Cedilla · 27/12/2019 23:07

Mine also does this. About literally everything. Over Christmas it's almost driven me to the brink of madness - a constant stream of witless questions. Including 'how much custard shall I heat up?', when he knew perfectly well (because he'd taken the requests from round the table) that two people wanted custard on their Christmas pudding.

I literally had to tell him 'as much custard as you think two people might eat'. I feel as though I'm being followed round by a relentless 5-year-old most of the time.

So no, OP, YANBU.

FruityWidow · 27/12/2019 23:08

Deflect it back.

"What do you think DH?"

JustASmallTownCurl · 27/12/2019 23:09

Oh god this is one of the most annoying things anyone can do in a relationship IMO!

It's so hard to explain from the outside because it's usually mild mannered men who do this so you end up sounding like a dickhead for moaning about it to anyone else.

It's death by a thousand papercuts for me though and I learned it's something I really can't cope with!

Tiredandfedupofitall · 27/12/2019 23:19

@epicsomania, I totally agree re the passive agressive. How do I learn how to deflect it?

I can’t leave DH. Our son has aspergers (autistic, but clever. But he is v. Hard work). Dh really doesn’t get how to deal with ds. Dh ends up shouting, ds ends up under his duvet, overwhelmed, and dh just ends up taking any privilege available away. Which, without me, would mean ds was miserable, constantly told he was naughty, would get no hw done, would have no ‘down time’ (aka screen time) every weekend. He would get man handled, probably end up refusing to eat (I already do most meals separate from oh, as he insists on perfect table manners. I have lots of examples of this sort of behaviour, dh ‘gets’ ds’ asd diagnosis but doesn’t get how it affects him in real life (despite me telling him )

So I can’t leave. I have to deal with his language and deflect it.

How do I do this?

OP posts:
Birdgirl67 · 27/12/2019 23:24

My 'D' H is exactly the same. Every single decision is deferred to me, I then take full responsibility if it is the wrong decision and I'm fucking sick of it. Im also his personal Alexa/google as he asks me everything. So now when he defers to me or asks me a question e.g. how do I tax my car .. I say oh I dont know, maybe ask at the post office or Google it.
You have my sympathy is bloody draining on every level

Birdgirl67 · 27/12/2019 23:28

O.M.G @Tiredandfedupofitall - that is my life (SEN child) and 'D'H to an absolute T on everything u have said. R we married to the same man.

kittykatkitty · 27/12/2019 23:29

My go to reply for this is
"I'm not your mother. Make a decision "

cauliflowersqueeze · 27/12/2019 23:30

Just keep saying “you decide”. Or “let me know what you decide”.

AnneElliott · 27/12/2019 23:31

Oh yes you have my sympathy as mine is the same. What to have for dinner, when the bins go out, does DS need a shower - I feel your pain.

I've started to answer 'I don't know' to every single question to try and get him to stop it.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/12/2019 23:33

Oh yes the old feigned incompetence ruse🙄
Obviously just throw all those decisions right back at him.... but then I suppose it becomes a standoff and what if he escalates?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.