Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want to go?

23 replies

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 17:19

DPs family are planning a holiday. DP wants to go and I really dont. Here are my reasons-

They are insisting on somewhere hot - I really dont like the heat, it makes me sleepy and i have pale skin that does not cope with the sun (as does DS who also has eczema which is triggered by heat, suncream and pools). Also, I get bitten by bugs in the evenings.

They want to stay in a villa with a pool. DS is 2 and will need watched like a hawk at all times.

We will have to do everything together all the time. This means every activity will have to be suitable for all the children of different ages. There will be no day out with just the 3 of us or taking it in turns for each couple to have a child free evening out. Even though they are lovely I find it tiring to be in a big group for a long time.

It's a lot of money to do something I wont enjoy.

They are keen on 2 weeks. I have suggested we only go for one week but then the rest of them would be stuck paying forna larger villa than they need for the second week which isnt really fair.

So AIBU to not want to go? I probably will just go as I dont want to deprive DP of time with his family or of a sunny holiday (as i do recognise it is the norm to like these!)

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 17:21

Separate villas. Book yours for a week.

hardyloveit · 27/12/2019 17:21

I don't understand why you can't have a few days just the three of you??

Drum2018 · 27/12/2019 17:23

Can you not just sort your own accommodation for a week and then you won't be tied to them? No way would I share holiday accommodation with family from either side.

HolyGuac · 27/12/2019 17:24

Definitely separate villas close but not too close, book yours for a week, make sure you have good A/C.
This will allow you to do things on your own and dip in or out of the rest of the families activities or stay in a hotel close by.

Pipandmum · 27/12/2019 17:25

Why do you have to do everything together? Seems very unreasonable.
I'd book separate villas - it will cost more but I wouldn't want to share with several other families (not all rooms will be equal for example and I'd like my own bathroom).

bridgetreilly · 27/12/2019 17:27

We will have to do everything together all the time.

No, you won't. Not if you and DH choose not to. You are both adults who are able to express your preferences and act on them.

Original poster

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 17:29

Thanks for the replies-

Doing everything together is just what they tend to do on family holidays. That's just the way it would be.

Separate villa is something I've considered. I do feel like it might be taken as a snub as the point of the same villa is that the adults would be able to hang out together when the kids are in bed.

OP posts:

AntiHop · 27/12/2019 17:30

Thay sounds like a nightmare!

Original poster

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 17:30

I think it would be easier to say we cant afford it and not go than go and cause tension by saying we want to do our own thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 17:32

They are really not a nightmare. DPs parents are lovely and are always happy to babysit for us etc but they just like their yearly family holiday that is spent as a group. Set in their ways I guess!

OP posts:

paranoidmum2 · 27/12/2019 17:33

Key question for me is does DH go on holidays with you that you enjoy? My ex hated the heat and beach holidays so only wanted to go to cold places, NY at Christmas, Rome in winter etc. I was happy to compromise and go to a cold place for him and warm (not too hot) place for him but it always had to be his way. If DH is good at compromising I would make an effort (a week in a separate villa as suggested by pp).

babasaclover · 27/12/2019 17:33

Don't do it to yourself!!!! Certainly not for 2 weeks. I have done this with in laws who I do love for just 1 week and it was hell. Despite paying equal shares we somehow got relegated to the bedroom without en suite - no discussion - set the tone for the week and it's just not natural to be in such close proximity like that for that long.

Motoko · 27/12/2019 17:34

If you agree to go, you're setting an expectation that your wants and needs do not matter as much as your partner's, and your relationship will carry on like that.

Because of the expense, holidays should be taken to somewhere you both want to go.

If you want to compromise, do as others have suggested. Only go for a week, and book separate accommodation, so you, partner and DC, can go off and do your own thing, just meeting up with the others sometimes.

If he's not willing to compromise with you, you'll need to think about the relationship, because he shouldn't be forcing you to only do the things he wants to do.

Expressedways · 27/12/2019 17:38

Why is it all or nothing? Can’t you insist on a/c and a gated pool, if you’re paying why wouldn’t you get a say? Get your own hire car and plan a couple of days out just the 3 of you, spend the rest of the time together. Tell them in advance that you’re not the sit round the pool the whole time type so you’re planning a few day trips and look forward to having evenings/the rest of the time together.

NoSauce · 27/12/2019 17:42

If DH wants to go then I think a week in your own villa is fair and if you fancy a day out on your own with DH and DC just say you’re doing it!

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2019 17:45

I'd have to say no pool or gated pool. And a/c. Safety and comfort are important. Apart from that, talk to DH about opting out a bit. He can do day trips with the family while you chill.

Original poster

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 18:17

Hadn't even thought of A/C! That is a good point

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 18:20

Just say having separate place as being mindful they may not want a noisy dc full time...

Original poster

Alecsis · 27/12/2019 18:25

Winter, there are other DC in the family that are WAY more noisy than DS so that wont work

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 27/12/2019 18:37

Sometimes a week works out almost as expensive as 2 weeks as a lot of the cost can be the flights. Could you possibly go in your own nearby apartment and have 2 weeks with only one of them overlapping your pils weeks. That way if you have pils week first you have a lovely 2nd week to look forward to as a family for no extra expense and without having to wait until the following year to have your own family holiday.

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 18:41

So say your dc needs quiet to get to bed /stay asleep!! No way would my holiday involve other people's dc!

BackforGood · 27/12/2019 18:42

I wouldn't.
2 weeks is a LONG time to spend 24hrs a day as a group - however lovely they are
Unless you are minted, then that presumably is your holiday for the year? A holiday is supposed to be something you really look forward to and enjoy. If you don't like this kind of holiday, then that is a lot of money, and presumably all your annual leave, doing something you really don't want to do - it makes no sense.
If you and dh liked different sorts of holidays and this were his dream, then it would be reasonable to go one year, and then for him to do what you would like to do the following year, but it doesn't sound as if it is his thing either.

Topsy44 · 27/12/2019 18:46

I think a Villa holiday with family has so much potential for arguments. The food, the mess, proximity to family that you wouldn't normally spend that much time with.

If you had your own accommodation then I think a week is fine but otherwise I would be having a chat with my DH and telling him its a no go.

Flip