For a long time now I've been aware that my family are complicated. my mum isn't very good with affection and emotion and she's had four daughters who have been raised without a hug. I think we all have our own issues due to this. some of us have a lack of confidence some of us cannot commit and some of us just don't socialise. I've got a lack of confidence. I'm getting much better the older I get and I'm determined to expose my children to a lot more than I ever was exposed to.
As kids we didn't get birthday parties or holidays. My mum to this Day still says kids don't need birthday parties there a waste of money. She never wanted to do anything fun really looking back. we were taught from a young age just sit and behave l,if we ever went to somebody's house we have warned not to mess around. I honestly think their strict approach is the reason I would never dance at a wedding now or get up and have a good time.
Since having my kids I've realised so many things. one of them is just realising that I went through things as a teenager and I should have had more help from my mum. I had an abortion when I was 18. I'd been working for two years at that point but my parents refused to speak to me when I got pregnant and I did it to please them. I don't think I've ever truly got over that. on the day of the procedure they didn't even ask me when I got home how it had gone or if I was OK, they just never mentioned it again. I continue to have a relationship with them and I do love them but I often feel sad and alone because of them. Now I'm a mum myself to two little people I feel worse than ever about how I feel about them.I want to bring my kids up differently but I'm having to try and do that in front of them when they clearly don't always approve.sometimes I think my mum wants me to feel like I'm not naturally that great at being a mum, she will say things like god don't have anymore more you won't cope with any more.I think she thinks these things because I actually consider my children's feelings and understand them if they're feeling a bit anxious etc so I do worry and talk about them. I think she sees things as a weakness. I also try and provide my kids with a little bit more experience. I don't necessarily mean money I just mean time.I take them to the woods I take them to park, I take my daughter swimming, I just try and let them have more. my mum never really thought about us having nice hair or nice outfits, not necessarily because of money just again she wasn't interested.I think this has affected me because I do make sure that my kids wardrobes are always fully stocked, I don't overspend but I make sure they've got lots of nice outfits.I always remembered my friends always having more than me and getting different things that I never seemed to get. most years mum didn't even get me a birthday cake, she just get a frozen gateau.
Lately I've just been feeling uncomfortable around them. I think it is really hard to go through motherhood without that warm supportive figure that a mum should be. even in the early days after having my kids they never offered to make as a hot meal or even if we need a loaf of bread from the shop. Once the babies were a week old the novelty wore off of coming around. They never invite us over now, they never offer yo have the kids, even if we go around,they don't particularly spend any time with the kids they just sit there. I can tell my daughter gets really bored around there and doesn't enjoy going anymore. my dad doesn't have a lot of patience and my mum digs at my little girl because she can be a little bit of a diva she's 4! they often say to me you want to get her squared up and I just feel like saying you don't see them most of the time how can you tell me how to parent them.
I honestly envy people who have a nice warm kind mum who they can just sit with have a cup of tea with,have a chat with and offload.I honestly don't know what it feels like to feel loved and supported by my parents. Does anyone else feel this way? I love them dearly but I feel so lonely in a family sense. Thank god I have my kids and partner