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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking entire family over for dinner then canceling a hour before

48 replies

Legoandloldolls · 27/12/2019 11:43

So me dh and kid all invited out over Christmas period for dinner at friends. I get the kids ready, plan our day around it, getting them dressed up etc. Telling them about it. An hour before we are due ( thirty minutes before I get in the car) the host texts to say they are ill with a cold and exhausted.

So aibu to think you know this more than a hour before you serve dinner you have a cold and or feel exhausted? I presume a better offer came up personally.

OP posts:

BrokenWing · 27/12/2019 12:31

dh is saying what if we cancelled plans for this

but you haven't so that is a dick head statement to make a bad situation feel worse.

LL83 · 27/12/2019 12:34

Your friend either has a really bad cold and hoped to manage or is upset/struggling with something unrelated to you. If they aren't known for being flakey or ditching you then I would be disappointed but understanding.

middleeasternpromise · 27/12/2019 12:34

Friend has had a shit Xmas and can't face hosting/socialising - is now tucking into Sherry and other assorted Xmas alcohol and crying in front of Wizard of Oz for the Christmases that should have been.

recycledbottle · 27/12/2019 12:34

I don't understand those saying they had a huge row. Is this common. Surely if you had a disagreement you can put on a smile for a meal. If they have kids, then surely can't have massive blowouts and you would have to put on a persona for the kids anyway. The fact they added exhausted means they probably overdid it and don't have the energy to host you. Bad form giving such late notice though.

Witchofzog · 27/12/2019 12:35

It's bad form unless totally unavoidable. If I was going to someone's home for Xmas dinner I would not have anything in for Xmas dinner. So that would have left a family without dinner

Original poster

Legoandloldolls · 27/12/2019 12:35

Yes I did point out to dh that if we had made plans i wouldn't have accepted the offer and it would be a non issue. He is just annoyed it was cancelled so last minute. A day before, a few hours before it would be ok I guess.

OP posts:

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/12/2019 12:39

dh is saying what if we cancelled plans for this. I wouldn't have accepted the offer if I already had plans but I kind of see where dh is coming from

Maybe not but you could have turned down something else because you were already committed to this lunch.. I always used this as an example when my kids were growing up and wanted to cancel seeing a friend at the last moment. They were always told "apart from the fact it's wrong to let people down or to cancel plans if something better cones along - your friend may have turned down something else to see you."

AnnieOH1 · 27/12/2019 12:41

I've had illnesses strike in the middle of the afternoon before - one memorable day in the office when I started out of nowhere with norovirus. It could easily be that she started with a cold, took some meds trying to power through but the symptoms have progressed to include sinus issues etc. If she's a close friend (you say you meet her every week?) then why not just take it at face value? Unless of course she does this often in which case then it sounds like she's a flake who got a better offer... =(

Original poster

Legoandloldolls · 27/12/2019 12:43

I kind of hope they are on the sherry watching Wizard of Oz. Sounds rather appealing!

Unfortunately they have history of being a bit flaky in the past but that's never been the hour before or involved all of us, just me and coffee drinks etc.

I think I'm going to give them some space and catch up once Christmas is over. It's a pita as I have the kids to explain too. I think they will get over it as soon as they are fed elsewhere though....

OP posts:

Nonnymum · 27/12/2019 12:44

Annoying yes but I would be more concerned for your friend. Perhaps she thought she could cope but realised when she was preparing your lunch that she just couldn't and it would be best to cancel. If this is u usual for her I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her how she is. Does she live alone? Is there anyone to look after her? Perhaps she has been really struggling and just couldn't face today.

MiniEggAddiction · 27/12/2019 12:47

They’ve had a massive Barney

This is what occurred to me too. They didn't want to say they all had a terrible D&V in case they see you out and about tomorrow.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2019 12:54

In that case, they are massively hungover, have just rolled out of bed, and looked at the time and had a 4 Weddings moment

milliefiori · 27/12/2019 12:58

I think it could be genuine. You can wake up with a snuffle and think you;re coming down with something and can keep going, then late in the day realise you are in tears over something utterly stupid like you only have seven red napkins and you need eight to lay the table. At which point you realise your head is throbbing, your joints are aching, your throat is like sandpaper and you can't face an evening of hosting. That has happened to me before.

SlidingIntoForties · 27/12/2019 13:02

I can think of plenty of reasons you might legitimately cancel a dinner last minute but use a cold as a polite excuse to do so - because you don't want to share the real reason.

Bluerussian · 27/12/2019 13:07

I doubt they meant to offend, it is probably genuine. Give them the benefit of the doubt - such things happen and have happened in my circle, something I understand well.

Expect you have plenty of food (I have stuff I know I'll difficulty using, always the way at this time of year, so son't worry, there will be another day to catch up with friends.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2019 13:17

Any man who has a 'cold' and is 'exhausted' is ripped apart for having 'man flu'

She may well feel a bit rough but the exhaustion would have been there longer than an hour ago so she should have cancelled sooner.

ChristmasCroissant · 27/12/2019 13:40

As you've said the friend has form for being flaky with you previously, OP, I'm going to guess at some kind of anxiety. The difference here is that it has affected your children this time (as well as your DH) so that crosses a line for me (and possibly your DH as well).

I hope you can sort it out.

lovemenorca · 27/12/2019 13:50

Really disappointing, I get that

What I don’t get is that presumably very close friends for family to be invited around for dinner at this time of year - and yet here you are on mumsnet starting a thread about it, presuming a “better offer” is the cause.

FullOfJellyBeans · 27/12/2019 14:04

Well if they're really just a bit tired and couldn't be bothered last minute then yes that is rude. You might have had other offers since accepting this invite or planned something else for the day. That said unless they're always flakey I'd let it go you never know if there's been some family crises or mental health issue they don't feel comfortable talking about. Or maybe the kids are just exhausted after Christmas and in constant tantrum mode and they feel too embarrassed to have other people see

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/12/2019 14:10

If they were feeling unwell they should have given you as much notice as possible. I'd never cancel on the day unless someone had D&V or something very serious.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 27/12/2019 14:42

If your friend is single, who are ’they’?

allthesharks · 27/12/2019 15:33

We recently cancelled plans in the morning before having people over for dinner. It was sort of a mutual decision though - we all had colds but were happy to still host but thought we should warn our guests as didn't want to make them ill over Christmas. Some of them came back and said they were also feeling unwell. Another said that she had recently got over a cold and didn't want to risk getting another as she was quite run down, another said she could make it but a relative had been taken ill so would let us know if anything changed. We decided to cancel on the basis of all of the above. And I'm glad we did as I became really unwell in the afternoon and ended up falling asleep on the sofa. I'm not sure how I would have coped if we had guests at that point. So it is possible that she thought she could power through but suddenly felt dreadful and realised she couldn't manage. Did she apologise for the late notice?

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/12/2019 19:47

My DH is has a low immune system after cancer treatment he is prone to cellulitis which can go to sepsis if he doesn’t get medication v quickly & end up in hospital.
It can be incredibly quick
He also gets delirious and needs watching as he can’t ask for help
Knowing our experience I’m always inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt but to be honest we have lost many friends over the years because they don’t understand/like how illness can affect your ability to socialise

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