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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of being sick at PILs?

74 replies

LondonUnited · 27/12/2019 10:26

I will admit that I am weak of stomach. BUT every time we go to PILs I end up with an upset stomach. Following on from our visit this Christmas I feel ill and the baby has loose nappies too.

The issue is their lack of cleaning and lack of appropriate food hygiene (think leaving meat out of the fridge, complete disregard of use by dates etc. Once we visited them a few days after they had come back from holiday in France and they fed us burgers they had cooked over there and brought home in their hot car Confused and another time I was ill for four days after they left a chicken out to defrost for 24 hours in 30 degree July heat!)

I am absolutely fed up of it now. DH has spoken to them and nothing changes. WIBU to simply refuse to visit? They live over 100 miles away so popping in for tea is not an option!

OP posts:
Gertrudesgarden · 27/12/2019 11:11

Become veggie for the vist. Let them know you'll cook for yourselves as you don't want to impose your dietary restrictions on them. Pasta with pesto for a week would be my preference over food poisoning. That's grim.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 27/12/2019 11:12

Does your DH seriously not realise that they could kill your kids with those food habits?

My inlaws have some food issues we consider unsafe for similar reasons... we don't eat those things, but my DH is on board with that. otherwise, we wouldn't visit.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/12/2019 11:12

I would turn up to their's all kitted out in hazmat suits, or at the very least have a bottle of hand sanitizer in every pocket, alcohol wipes, bring a clean towel to sit on etc 😁🤣

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2019 11:14

Would your DH eat at a restaurant / takeaway with a zero or one star hygeine rating? Take his DC there?

The fact he's willing to endanger a baby's health in order to avoid rocking the boat with his parents tells you that you can, and must, ignore his opinion this. The obligation for protecting your DCs' health falls to you.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 27/12/2019 11:15

Don’t stop visiting, just stop eating there. Bring your own food or eat out. No exceptions!

Willow2017 · 27/12/2019 11:29

DH has spoken to them about the food issue but at the end of the day I suspect both he and MIL think I am being fussy and precious
Show him some info on food poisoning where it can put you in hospital for days on drips, iv antibiotics etc. Ask him if he wants that for his baby?
There is a thread on here about similar (the chicken left in car one) where people were osting thier exoetiences and were extremely ill for 10 days that should shock him.

I wouldn't take kids near them as no doubt every surface is cross contaminated by their crap food hygiene awareness. And tell them the three of you are all ill now and won't be back.

Get well soon.hope dh is dealing with the kids and not you😉

Daisy7654 · 27/12/2019 11:32

I had this with my ex MIL. I always got the blame, with ex as well as being over fastidious, OCD etc.
Not much advice as they sulked and at best patronisingly 'accommodated' my very normal views.
Just sending sympathy.

Drum2018 · 27/12/2019 11:33

If you were to go from a Friday to Sunday either have dinner before you leave on the Friday afternoon or stop and eat on the way. On Saturday go out for dinner or get take away, and sunday leave after breakfast (bring your choice of cereal with you).

Otherwise given your Dh has spoken to them about their lack of food hygiene and they don't give a shit (pardon the pun) let him off and you stay home. I wouldn't care if there were ructions.

Daisy7654 · 27/12/2019 11:37

I don't think it's very possible to stay in the relationship and outright refuse to visit his mother. It will make you look crazy.
Ditto going there and refusing to eat or let your child eat.
Like to see above PP try that and not cause chaos with OP being painted as crazy bad guy.

But also be warned that if you split up then child will go there without you with dad.

simplekindoflife · 27/12/2019 11:37

This can't carry on! If you don't want to cause too much conflict, how about this:

"PIL: the children and I have very sensitive stomachs/allergies/intolerances so we'll be eating our own food while we're here."

Bring your own food! Cook up some pasta, take some jar sauces, tinned corned beef for sandwiches. Or even pop to the shops and buy your own food?!

You can't risk your children's health like this.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/12/2019 11:38

What kind of person expects their partner and children to suffer food poisoning just to keep the peace?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2019 11:38

Does your DH change nappies? How does explain the evidence of the baby's nappy?

What is his level of knowledge about foood poisoning risks and food hygeine? Does he actually have any? Or is he going with the ignoramus 'done it alll my life and never did me any harm' line? In which case he needs to do a bit of reading. (Or, if he's the stubbornly, incorrigably ignorant type, you have a duty to ignore him on all matters requiring basic knowledge and intelligence).

Bluerussian · 27/12/2019 11:40

That's not on, London. They need to learn about basic food care. Are they from the generation that had no fridges? I doubt it, that ended in the 1950s.

Just don't go again, maybe go and stay overnight but not longer. It's not fair to give people food poisoning & it wasn't only once.

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2019 11:48

"Are they from the generation that had no fridges? I doubt it, that ended in the 1950s."

Pewere I lived in Liverpool still didn't have fridges in the 70's. That's why sterilised milk was popular. We all had a built in larder in our council houses. I still use mine to defrost a turkey etc.

My Mother used to make me continually ill as a child, because I was the only one without a cast iron stomach.

As an Adult I took over any food arrangements.

Instagrump · 27/12/2019 11:53

We had similar with the in-laws. We had to go on holiday with them twice a year and stay in the same cottage or lodge. None of them washed hands after using the toilet and you knew this. Even when they had the runs. Vomiting and diahorrea was inevitably arrive and they'd blame a bug going round. Twice a year, every single year despite DH, I and 3DC never getting ill at any other point in the year. Right up until I started taking over all the cooking. Becoming a bolshy, pushy person taking over everything. The downside was it was exhausting, making every meal for 11 people. Eventually I decided to get our own nearby cottage/lodge/caravan and only meals we ate together were the ones I made as a 'treat' like the big Sunday roast or my homemade lasagne (which they don't know how to cook) it's been 4 years and we haven't had food poisoning since.

OP, you need to do one of three things: Go but stay in an Air B&B nearby eating there before you visit and go away again for dinner, Insist on doing the cooking and order a Click and Collect on the way there. Or be blunt. Tell them outright that they're unhygienic and it's causing stomach upsets and food poisoning.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2019 11:55

Why don't you just have them come to you (even if your house is small you'd still manage)

Lillygolightly · 27/12/2019 12:01

Well the thing here is that your DH has grown up with these good practices and being fed by his parents. Your DH is therefore has a gut that is accustomed to this lack of food hygiene and hygiene in general. You and your DC obviously do not have the same tolerance, so you get ill.

I would seriously put my foot down over this, food poisoning can be very serious and can cause death. I myself was seriously ill many moons ago, I was so poorly I didn’t and couldn’t eat properly for over a month. I was hospitalised and on a drip and once allowed home had to be prescribed those awful meal shakes. I was 18 when this happened and weighed just a touch over 7st, I lost well over a stone being sick and looked like nothing but skin and bones by the end of it. That was a long time of eating portions the size a baby would eat my stomach had shrunk so much. It was an absolutely miserable time that took months and months to properly recover from, and years to recover from the hygiene OCD it left me with. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

If visiting is a must you stay in a nearby hotel, you and DC do not consume food or drinks from the PIL house. You make and take your own, including your own disposable plates cutlery (because you could still get ill just using theirs even if you don’t eat their food). Better yet if you all want to eat together, eat out!

Lillygolightly · 27/12/2019 12:01

Food practice (not good practice) Confused

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 27/12/2019 12:06

I can't even read this thread without feeling like Im going to vomit, so you have my full sympathy Op. I would absolutely put my foot down and refuse to visit - it's cruel to take your DCs somewhere where you know they'll get ill and cruel of your DH to think it's ok that you get ill.

Either the in laws visit you or seriously sort out their food hygiene or you don't see them. It's really very simple and your DH should back you on that.

DukeChatsworth · 27/12/2019 12:08

You’re seriously going to continue risking your child’s health to avoid ‘ructions’?!

C’mon. Grow a spine and either don’t go or take your own food/only eat out when you do.

Stop putting your kids health at risk if it’s as bad as that ffs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2019 12:10

Fil bought a capon one time when we visited him. He cooked it, left it in the oven overnight, re cooked it the next day... and you guessed it, he did it again on day 3. 🤢 I only ate it on the first and second days. Dh ate it day 3. None of us were ill thank goodness. I do not have a cast iron stomach. I told him it was mega risky and surprisingly he listened.

Ywnbu to never eat there again. Personally I would take my own food. They’re guilting you to go. They don’t have to guilt you into allowing you or your family to be ill.

ebenezerscroogedmeover · 27/12/2019 12:16

Hi OP

I have the same issue with my in laws! Infact are you my SIL? Grin

Anyway me and sister in law both refuse to eat at in laws and neither do our children. If we have to go to in-laws for a family gathering we take a big bag of our own food and share between us and our children... our husbands (both the sons of in laws) have stomachs of iron from growing up in that environment.

Mother in law has noticed. She got really offended at first but I'd rather offend her and keep the kids healthy and safe!

BatShite · 27/12/2019 12:16

Erm, if I had been made ill multiple times, neither myself nor the kids would be eating there, especially if I thought it was due to hygeine rather than just bad timing with bugs and whatever, DH could eat there if he wanted..but I would be avoiding, or taking own food. Taking own food might not work, if the place is as dirty and such as made out..hard one really as it will upset them but..no, still wouldn't make self/kids ill to please others.

BrokenWing · 27/12/2019 12:16

Visit in afternoon, stop and get lunch on way there, eat out for dinner, have cereal for breakfast, stay for morning and have lunch out stop for dinner on way home. Feed baby out of cartons or jars for one day if necessary.

Lweji · 27/12/2019 12:26

Fil bought a capon one time when we visited him. He cooked it, left it in the oven overnight, re cooked it the next day... and you guessed it, he did it again on day 3.

That's not a problem if the meat was cooked properly the first time and then heated to a high temperature the following days. More so if the first time he cooked it, it never left the oven after cooking. It would have been sterile (rather, close to sterile) after cooking the first time.

It's like eating biscuits or cake a couple of days after being made. You don't put them in the fridge unless there's raw eggs in them.

It's the raw meat left at a warm temperature for some time that's a problem.