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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to give ex ds's old phone?

14 replies

theduchessstill · 27/12/2019 10:16

I upgraded ds1's phone to an iphone (not the latest) from the very basic model he has had for the last two years. Ex quite often has phone 'problems', hates his phone, according to the dc, but does have some kind of smart phone.

He barely works and is therefore pretty hard up. I have a case ongoing with CMS regarding him as he has never even paid the pittance they have calculated he should. I've had threads here about how he's tried to get hold of all ds2's savings to pay for a laptop he wants ds2 to have, partly so he can get access to it. Laptop hasn't yet materialised but I am still convincing ds2 that he owes his dad nothing, and still won't even if the laptop does appear.

Now ex has told ds1 he wants his old phone. I always avoid voicing my feelings about ex, but I must admit when he told me I snorted and said 'tell him he can have it for £30.' Ds1 has passed this on but has also asked me why it's my decision and hinted that he just wants to give his dad the phone. I told ds it's my decision because I pay the bills.

AIBU? I'm sick of subsidising ex in each and every way and I'm sick of him having no pride and begging to his kids to get them to feel sorry for him all the time as well. It's quite a way off but I can see them being asked to bail him out when they reach adulthood at this rate, the thought of which makes me furious. I want to make them see, without making them hate him, that his actions have led to the lifestyle he has to lead and it's not, and never will be, their responsibility to sort for him.

OP posts:
Sotiredofthislife · 27/12/2019 10:49

You’re not wrong. Your phone, you paid for it. I support our children without a penny from the ex. He recently had the audacity to ask if he could live in my mum’s house because it’s in a better area than his. He didn’t even bother to pretend he would pay rent, just asked for it outright! It’s going on the market in the New Year. Stupid man.

Oldraver · 27/12/2019 11:03

Well I'm glad after you preivious thread ypou are sticking to DS1 not contirbuting to the laptop. You have to be the voice of reason and as you say, if he gets the DC's to feel sorry for him and bankroll his lifestyle they will forever be helping him out

Berthatydfil · 27/12/2019 11:14

I remember the laptop thread and I’m glad you stopped him. It’s awful an adult man exploiting and manipulating his dc for money and material things.
Tell your ds it’s your phone really as you pay the bills and he’s too young / hasn’t a job etc to pay it himself. However when he’s older, has a part time job and is paying his own phone bills he can do whatever he likes with the old ones.
In the meantime I would look in music magpie or your local cash converters for how much the phone is worth and sell it. No phone no problem.

Instagrump · 27/12/2019 12:06

DD is 13 and has an iPhone 8 which I gave her for Christmas. When I did that I took her 6S back to give to her sister. High value electronic items in our house are never 100% the kid's property, particularly when I am paying the bills on it. Take DS's PS4 for example, it's his present but I still have full control over it. He's not allowed to sell it, (not that he would of course) mistreat it or play it when I tell him to get off it.

OP, stick to your guns. Take the phone and sell it on Music Magpie or something. Do not give it to freeloading ex.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 12:16

I would have said give him it if it's low value but if he's a free loader like my ex stuff him. I never got the pittance the old CSA said he had to pay.

ohwheniknow · 27/12/2019 12:25

I can see them being asked to bail him out when they reach adulthood at this rate, the thought of which makes me furious. I want to make them see, without making them hate him, that his actions have led to the lifestyle he has to lead and it's not, and never will be, their responsibility to sort for him.

Which is why you need to be clear and honest with them about this behaviour, why it is unacceptable, and why you are resisting it.

Otherwise you are setting them up to be exploited because they won't understand and won't be equipped to protect themselves. From him or people like him.

Providing clear and necessary information to protect your children is not "bad mouthing" or "making them hate him".You would be doing them a huge disservice by hiding or minimising what is going on, or allowing them to sit with the guilt and obligation this man's manipulation is causing them to feel.

Protect them.

Dollymixture22 · 27/12/2019 12:36

Oh this man makes me cross. No self respect.

Tell him absolutely no, and start explaining to your children that daddy already owes you money so you can’t afford to give him things.

Start explaining that daddy needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and he should never take money or anything else from his children.

melj1213 · 27/12/2019 12:41

In my family phones bought by parents for minors reverted back to being the parent's property once the child had a new phone.

Sometimes the phone would be offered to other siblings (eg if I had an iPhone 7 and was gifted an iPhone 8, if my siblings had an iPhone 4-6 then they would be offered the 7 as an "upgrade") but whichever phone my parents were left with they would usually sell on to make some money back to put towards the contract/upgrade cost.

I would find out the resale value for the phone and offer it to your ex at that value (or maybe a little less so you can say you're doing him a favour by giving it at a discount). If he doesnt want to buy it from you then you have every right to then sell it on to recoup some money.

Jaxhog · 27/12/2019 12:58

I agree OP.

Whatever you decide to do with the old phone though, don't forget to delete all the photos, emails, messages and contacts off it first.

MissPepper8 · 27/12/2019 14:46

So let me get this straight, you bought the phone, have paid the bills and he thinks it's your sons decision whether or not to give it to him?

Tell him if he wants it he will have to pay just like any other person to buy it off you or you'll sell it else where.

I wonder in these situations whether he would be so willing to just give the phone to you free.

stayathomegardener · 27/12/2019 14:56

iPhone battery's being what they are I'm sure it will come in handy towards the end of the new contract.

7yo7yo · 27/12/2019 15:00

Your not doing the kids any favours if you don’t tell them/open their eyes to what a free loading loser he really is.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2019 15:02

Did you buy him the original phone? If so, it’s yours.

MadamHattie · 27/12/2019 15:13

I'd keep the original as a back up in case of accidents etc. Fathers who do this to their children infuriate me!

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