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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No contact Christmas present

22 replies

Goldduck · 27/12/2019 05:57

I have gone no contact with my Dad and have not had any contact after a number of months. This was after the birth of my daughter which he ruined. There is a huge history of emotional abuse etc predating this. For the sake of my child and family I have gone no contact as I have tried for many years to try to create some form of harmony in our relationship but cannot due to his behaviour and way of thinking. My grandparents visited, his parents, and brought a bag of gifts for me and my daughter. I obviously do not want them and told grandparents this but they got upset as I think it made them think that it won't all blow over. It won't. They wouldn't take the presents back to him and I didn't push it as I didn't want to upset them. Would it be unreasonable to take them all to a charity shop so someone else can benefit from them? I do not want them and it's upsetting me them even being on my home.

OP posts:

blubblubblub · 27/12/2019 06:04

Donate them. You have no obligation to keep them.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/12/2019 06:37

Chuck them, donate them, sell them. Do whatever you need to and don't feel guilty x

Whatsername177 · 27/12/2019 08:18

I have no idea what I'd do in your situation. It depends if the gifts come with an expectation of contact. It's not always the case that it is about re-establishing contact My cousin is no contact with their dad. The dad, my uncle, has accepted this without question and argument. It is his fault - no abuse, but he was a crap Disney dad to my cousin, then had the audacity to start an argument because he felt like my cousin wasn't making the effort to engage with his third set of younger siblings from yet another marriage. My cousin is an adult with their own family and a full time job. Uncle is split from the mother of the latest set of siblings who are younger than 10. He is 'Disney dad-ing' these children too. Cousin doesn't want to be a part of this, as the oldest of 8 kids from a variety of different mothers, cousin has seen it all before. Anyway, uncle sends gifts for cousin and family without any strings. Cousin accepts them but the no contact remains, and uncle has never met his dgc. My mum often does uncles shopping for him, he hands over the cash and she chooses the presents. Cousin knows this and has decided to accept the gifts providing that there are no expectations. To be honest, I think uncle is happy to be a disney grandad. I think you need to maintain the arrangement you are most happy with. Going no contact with a parent isn't done lightly. Look after yourself.

Original poster

Goldduck · 27/12/2019 09:21

Thank you all. There will be an expectation and essentially he'll be doing it to show that he's a good person but he isn't.

OP posts:

Geschwister4 · 27/12/2019 09:25

Are the gifts definitely from your Dad and not from your GPs? Sorry I was not sure from your post. If so I would just quietly donate them, don't mention anything to your GPs, presumably you have a relationship with them and you don't want to 'shoot the messenger'.

SingingLily · 27/12/2019 09:30

I do not want them and it's upsetting me them even being on my home.

I call them growlers, Goldduck, because even if they are in a cupboard out of my sight, they still growl away in the background. Yes, it is upsetting, because of what they represent.

Absolutely get rid. Take them to a charity shop and do it today, so that they are not just out of sight but you can start to put them out of mind. And please don't feel guilty. The guilt belongs with your father. If he had been a better father to you, if he had even respected your decision to go NC (which you would not have made lightly), you wouldn't be faced with this choice now. These gifts are all about him, as per usual, and override your feelings, as per usual.

If you feel you need permission, you have mine, gladly. If I knew you in RL, I'd offer to come round and do it for you.

💐

NomNomNomNom · 27/12/2019 09:31

Don't throw them away but definitely donate them.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 27/12/2019 09:45

Definitely donate! If possible, choose a charity shop in the next town. I once met the child of a friend of mine wearing DD's outgrown dungarees. They were very unusual (obviously I didn't comment).

Original poster

Goldduck · 28/12/2019 04:34

Thank you ❤️ @SingingLily I really did need to hear that. The guilt had started again but you are right, it is for his validation and not for me at all. The charity shop will be made up as they will be full of 'posh' toiletries. It's nice to think that something good can come out of such a horrible situation.

OP posts:

Hahaha88 · 28/12/2019 05:52

I don't agree with accepting gifts from people you don't like, it feels very materialistic, so I'd donate them too.

GinNsnowmen · 28/12/2019 06:04

Yanbu

ElluesPichulobu · 28/12/2019 06:38

check out if there is a "baby bank" in your city as that would be a better destination than a charity shop.

a baby bank will give the items to a new mum who desperately needs support and hasn't got the resources or family to get through the difficult first months.

at a charity shop the nicest things will be snapped up for a few pounds with minimal benefit to the charity and will then be sold on Ebay for a profit

thickwoollytights · 28/12/2019 07:04

There will be an expectation

Then, for me, I think they need to be returned to your father unopened

SingingLily · 28/12/2019 07:08

Good morning, Goldduck, that is such a positive way to think about it.

Your grandparents are, I'm afraid, acting as flying monkeys. They know you are NC with your father but they acted as go-betweens anyway by bringing the presents and then they refused to respect your feelings by taking the presents back to him.

I am sorry to say that this is unlikely to be your father's one and only attempt to get some sort of response from you. He may try to wrongfoot you again and play on your feelings of guilt and obligation. It's a lonely place to be.

You might have heard of the Stately Homes thread, people trying to deal with toxic parents including those who are emotionally abusive. My mother is emotionally abusive which is why I understand how upsetting this is for you. I post on Stately Homes but lots of people just read and it helps them to find ways to deal with families like ours. It might help you too - there is lots of good advice to be found on there and plenty of support from people who understand. Here is the link. Please come over and have a look. You would always be welcome.

"But we took you to Stately Homes" November 2019 onwards thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3751057-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-November-2019-onwards-thread

Original poster

Goldduck · 28/12/2019 10:19

@SingingLily they really are, I spoke to them when they brought the gifts really calmly and explained my position but my gran is adamant that he's a really kind person that adores me and that he hasn't been there for me as I have made him unwelcome. Perhaps I should have been more courteous when I was watching him emotionally abuse my mum and sister as well as me and particularly so when he openly started cheating on my mum... Basically his abusive behaviour is my fault so I have that from her and my dad.

I started reading the Stately Homes thread last night and it does help to read people's stories that have a patent like mine but I really wish that no one else did.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 28/12/2019 10:23

Donate them for sure

We are nc with my MIL. We moved a couple of months ago, and she doesn’t know where we are.

She actually messaged dh Christmas Eve to ask for our address to drop off vouchers for the dc.

We told her where to go.

My Nan said I was being unfair to the dc but considering she hit by dd, it would be more unfair for us to have her back in our lives

Soubriquet · 28/12/2019 10:23

She hit our dd not by*

yellowallpaper · 28/12/2019 11:13

Donate them, and remain NC with him. You know what is best for you and your family. Don't let him into your psyche again

ferntwist · 28/12/2019 11:15

YANBU. It would be very good of you to give them to charity. A lot of people would just have chucked them in the bin!

Thehop · 28/12/2019 11:16

Give the toiletries to a refuge. Let them do some good. Do it guilt free.

traveller11 · 28/12/2019 11:43

There's a charity called Cohen's Box which donates packs to parents of newborns and they include toiletries for both men and women in them.

I'm sure they'd be thrilled with it. As other's have said, in a charity shop it will be sold for a few quid with little difference but this particular one will help so many new mums with preemies

billy1966 · 28/12/2019 11:53

Well done OP for having the strength to move away from this toxic person whom just happens to be your father.

Donate the stuff and don't give it a second thought.

Tell your grandmother to give it a rest...she clearly hasn't a clue what she's speaking about and you don't want to hear it.

Best of luck for a peaceful 2020.💐

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