Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exh's "presents" to kids.

19 replies

Tillygetsit · 26/12/2019 23:12

Exh is dad to my 8 and 5 year old dc. He sent them a cheque each for £50 with instructions to pay £2 a month to Wateraid. He also included a note to me saying that his mother had died, he was too upset to tell the children himself and he didn't want them to attend the funeral.
She hadn't seen them for 3 years as she fell out with everyone including dh. So far I haven't told them anything and am ignoring the Wateraid instruction because it's a typically controlling dick move.
AIBU?

OP posts:
sherbetmelon · 26/12/2019 23:14

YANBU, he gifted them the money so they should choose how to spend it. As for his mother, I wouldn't tell your DC. Leave it for him to do. Your youngest won't remember her and neither of them were close so leaving it some time isn't going to hurt.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 23:21

So you're expected to set up the direct debit to Watersid from your account and also tell the kids about his mum dying?

He's such a twat and I agree you should ignote both 'instructions'.

I bet you're glad you're not eith him anymore! Did you leave him?

sue51 · 26/12/2019 23:23

Of course it should be him who tells the children about his mother’s death. If he wants to donate to water aid, that’s great but forcing an 8 and 5 year to in this manner is controlling and Dickish. Easy to see why he’s an ex.

Boom45 · 26/12/2019 23:23

If he wanted to give to wateraid on their behalf he could've done that. He didn't so buy them something nice with it.
Not telling his own kids that their nan has died is a really shitty move, I hope you manage to do that without them being too upset.

NewNameGuy · 26/12/2019 23:23

Bonkers

tiktok · 26/12/2019 23:26

Ugh. What a twat. It’s part of parenting to break the news of deaths to kids in an appropriate way. And the water aid direct debit - ridiculous. If he wants to donate monthly then of course he should do it. But not instruct his kids (little ones too) to give up half their Xmas present doing so.

Designerenvy · 26/12/2019 23:28

You're well rid by the sound of things !

Original poster
Tillygetsit · 27/12/2019 04:27

Thanks for the support. Yes I left him. Controlling, violent when he didnt get his own way and a mummy's boy. Complete opposite of dh2. Why do we hook ourselves to these losers when we're young?
He hardly bothers with the children anyway. Wish he'd sod off abroad like he's always threatening (promising)

OP posts:
Comps83 · 27/12/2019 04:48

I can see why is is exdh. What a twat. Agree with just cashing cheque and bollocks giving it to charity on his instruction or telling them about his mother .

ElluesPichulobu · 27/12/2019 04:54

what a dick.

yeah ignore the thing about water aid. not that it's a bad charity but he has no business making a 'gift' in such a way.

at least your 8yo should be told about her grandma dying even though they weren't close. an 8yo is old enough to notice and think it weird if they are told about it months after. I think given the circumstances it would be better for the kids to hear out from you as a minor piece of info that you mention while chopping carrots or emptying the dishwasher. if your ex has to do it, it would become a big deal where an emotional response was "required" and could be more confusing for the children.

cstaff · 27/12/2019 05:01

Tell him to donate whatever he wants to charity but that this doesn't include the kids presents from him. What a dickhead. Either ignore and let the kids enjoy their money or say as above. He does not get to continue to control you or your kids after you have split up.

cstaff · 27/12/2019 05:03

Also if your kids haven't seen his mum for a few years it probably won't have much of an impact on them so that is up to you. Tell them or don't, whichever makes for an easier life.

xJodiex · 27/12/2019 05:03

If your kids were older (30s, say) I'd wonder if we knew the same man! My (abusive) mother has married a man who done this to me about 9 years ago, literally. Sent a wateraid thing saying money was donated to it in my name for my Christmas. The two of them are controlling manipulative abusive people. He made inappropriate sexual remarks to me a few years ago and I since went no contact with both of them. Yeah the 'donation' thing was a shitty thing to do in my opinion. Amazed that someone else has done the same thing! You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2019 05:04

If he wants to put money to Wateraid, that's up to him. He has absolutely no say in what you or the kids do with the money.

Sounds like you did the absolute right thing binning him off!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2019 05:13

YANBU
Basically he is Still trying to get you do his admin/ dirty work. That’s two pieces of shit news he expects You to deliver. He’s too upset to tell his kids his mother died - dear god!! 🙄

2% for YABU. Who are these people, who disagree? Confused

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 27/12/2019 05:30

So they get £50 but it's whittled away by £2 a month to a charity not of their choosing? This man lives in a fantasy land if he thinks that's a gift!

I don't think I would tell the DC about their GM. If they ever ask about her I think I might tell them then but probably not until they are old enough to realise what a knobber their Dad is and it can be part of that narrative in a low key, "do you remember the Christmas when Dad...." sort of way.

Your job is not, 'the responsible parent' of the two of you. If they haven't seen their DGM for ages I doubt it will barely register.

BasiliskStare · 27/12/2019 05:36

I hope I do not sound too cynical but how would he actually know if you did not set up the monthly payment to water aid ? I am not saying it is not a good thing to do , but let him do it himself if he wants to - not give his children a present he then dictates what they do with it. I'd just either buy them something or stick the money in the bank for them and be suitably vague when he asks about charity donation.

I think I am pretty much agreeing with previous posters. Possibly send him the money back so that's £100 towards a one way ticket to somewhere . Oh I do not mean to be trite but that does sound like a really petty thing to do ( by him) . Re Grandma - unless they ask about her - given their ages - either 1) I would not say anything - or if they did not know her very well 2) quickly say Oh Granny died - in the hope they say "who?" & then you can quickly say - right - what are we doing now - job done & then think of something nice and / or useful to do with the cheques.

Apart from that @Tillygetsit - I hope you had a lovely Christmas Flowers

Original poster
Tillygetsit · 27/12/2019 23:08

Thank you for all your replies. I think he assumes it gets under mine or dhs skin but he's totally insignificant to our lives usually.
I've told the children about their gran. I dont trust him to not be insensitive next time he decides to see them so I'd rather it came from me. Oldest was a bit upset so we had a cuddle and chatted about it for a bit.
We're going to a toy shop tomorrow to buy presents with dads money. He won't ask me except for through the dc so if they dont know that's what they'll say. Our Christmas was fab thank you @BasiliskStare and I hope yours was too.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 27/12/2019 23:19

Sorry you have to have this wanker on your life OP.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread