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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with someone i can’t be

14 replies

Amyjane19795 · 26/12/2019 19:32

So first time I’ve spilled this, but I have strong feelings for someone at work. I’m single (divorced from ex husband a few years ago) and have always been in relationships with men. But... I feel like I’ve just completely fallen for our sales director. The worst part is that I’m in a senior position and manage her so I don’t know really where to go from here. AIBU and what do I do?

OP posts:

steff13 · 26/12/2019 19:34

It's never a good idea to pursue a romantic relationship with a subordinate, IMO. I don't think it should go anywhere.

sqirrelfriends · 26/12/2019 19:35

Can I have some more info please:

How does your work handle this kind of situation? Some would be fine with it as long as HR are aware.

Does she like women?

Do you feel like she's into you too?

orangejuicer · 26/12/2019 19:36

Realistically you have 2 options.

do nothing.
One of you leaves the company

If you were able to not manage her anymore and had no position of authority with her then that would be option 3.

You haven't said whether the feeling is mutual though?

Original poster

Amyjane19795 · 26/12/2019 19:38

She’s openly gay...so I don’t feel like I’m going completely mad! I think there’s something between us, I just get that feeling if you know what I mean. Relationships at work are not explicitly written into our policies and I know other people have met at work here, so it’s not so much that 😑 I just really like her, I missed her over the Christmas break but I’m just wondering if I’m overthinking this and it’s not okay for me to feel this way x

OP posts:

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 26/12/2019 19:40

Is she interested in women? Is it likely to be reciprocal or more of a fantasy on your behalf?

Still may be a bit off if you are managing her, but some companies are fine with relationship between staff, but some are not happy about that and the relationship is likely to put you in trouble.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 26/12/2019 19:42

Sorry cross posted.

I'd say give it some time and see how things work out, she may be interested and if there is nothing in company's rules, something may come out of it!

Original poster

Amyjane19795 · 26/12/2019 19:43

Also whilst I manage her, she’s pretty senior herself in the .org 😑😑

OP posts:

Original poster

Amyjane19795 · 26/12/2019 19:44

Thanks for your opinion @MonaLisaDoesntSmile 🙂

OP posts:

steff13 · 26/12/2019 19:44

There's a difference between colleagues being romantically involved and a manager being involved with someone she manages, though. Not only is it inappropriate, here (US) you'd be opening yourself up to possible sexual harassment allegations simply because you're her superior. What if you got together and then broke up? How would you handle that professionally?

BraveGoldie · 26/12/2019 20:01

Op is your concern mostly the work issue or that this is the first time you have thought seriously about a relationship with a woman? The first, I agree with the cautionary advice, though it's maybe not impossible if done very carefully and transparently.....

The second, I am more concerned for her than for you to be honest..... you may just be curious, or even drawn to a woman because it feels safer after having been hurt by a man. If she is gay, she may fall much deeper in love with you than vice versa, and this could be difficult for both of you (also increasing chances of upset that could affect your work)....

That said, if people are adult and single and it is clear what they are getting into then I tend to be in favour of venturing forth! Risks are inherent in having a rich life.

BoringUserName00 · 26/12/2019 20:10

I think there are 3 questions to ask:

could you maintain a working professional relationship with this woman if you were together
how would you manage your working together if you split up
do you think you would enjoy the intimacy of lesbian sex?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/12/2019 20:14

It's the fact that you manage her directly that makes this inappropriate. Whilst it goes well, it's horrible and unfair for everyone else you manage. If it ends/goes badly, it'll be hell for the two of you (and everyone else).

Dont even consider this unless there's a way to have someone else be her line manager.

Timmythatyou · 26/12/2019 20:18

Ask her out if you think there’s a chance! Do it. She’ll need to report to someone else if you both stay and it’s serious.
I fell for a client, more senior, and 17 years and 2 kids later we’re still going strong despite all the ‘rules’ at our workplaces. In fact a few years later we ended up at the same company!
Work/ jobs come and go buT partners don’t...

Ohyesiam · 26/12/2019 20:20

So she’s into women, work would be ok with it, and although you manage her, she is in quite a senior role at work, which rules out a big power imbalance.
Lots of green lights op.

Keep a level head and carry on getting to know her, and see what develops been you. Could be something very lovely.

New year, new you.

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