To not enjoy this Christmas Day arrangement anymore?

[pleasenomorechocolates]

I know I’m probably being unreasonable. I feel like a cow even thinking this but I guess I just needed a bit of a rant.

We travel for 2 hours on Christmas Eve every year to spend 2 nights with MIL in DH’s hometown. We’ve done for around 20 years. I‘ve always enjoyed it and so have the DC as there are no little ones on my side of the family whereas all of DH’s siblings (one of which always hosts Christmas Day) and their kids still live in his hometown so it’s been more fun for our DC. We then go to see my side on the 26th for Christmas number 2.

But now all the kids in the family are 20+, quite a few understandably do Christmas in their own house with their partners and children. So the tradition has sort of ended... but we’re still coming. DS decided not to come this year and spend it with his girlfriend. DD has wanted to spend it with her partner for the last few years but feels too guilty as her very elderly grandma would be gutted. So yesterday for dinner it was me, MIL and DD with SIL, her DH, both of their DC and their partners. My DH couldn’t come as he’s unwell. MIL (understandably - she’s frail) slept most of the day. So really, it felt like me and DD were just tagging along on another family’s Christmas. DD felt a bit miserable watching her cousins and their partners when she wouldn’t be seeing hers, and I just couldn’t help but think we’ve all outgrown this tradition and would much rather be in our own house...

But MIL would be absolutely devastated and she’s very elderly. I want her to spend her last few Christmases happily - she says it’s the highlight of her year. Me and DD just couldn’t help but admit to each other that we both didn’t enjoy yesterday...

Sorry for the long rambling post! Thank you anyone who’s still reading!

She was crying yesterday because DS and DH were not at dinner this jumped out at me as quite manipulative, couldn’t you all just go and see her the week before Christmas and then do your own thing on Christmas Day?

Sounds like she doesnt have many christmas left, I think you may kick yourself if she dies and you haddnt gone to visit at christmas, wont be long before she kicks the bucket anyhow.

I don't think you should keep doing going. Stay at home next Christmas. Perhaps visit on boxing day. I dont think it's fair of others to tell you to carry on because she only has a few more years. Our grandparents are 94 and 96 still going strong! Just do what you want to do next year.

She’s in her 90s and has had many, many christmases with her family.

The arrangements no longer suit you or your DC - would change them for next year.

As for her potentially dying, well that’d be sad but doesn’t mean she’s top priority. Anyway, younger members of the family could die too!

Sorry, is your Dh ill in bed? or just unwell/under the weather? does he spend his day lying down? or able to sit & eat something & retire to the sofa ?...
Can he sit in a car fo 2 hours? Does he still go to work ?
Or has he got ill health & has opted out ?

My mother's family always had the 'big family party' the weekend before Xmas. Xmas Day was always spent with our parents & siblings. My mum's siblings 'hosted' my grandparents in rotation so they were never without a place to go for Xmas Day. There were 5 and the 3 'boys' were NOT an exception to their turn for hosting their parents.

Is something similar a possibility for your MiL? That your DH and his siblings take turns in going to their mother's for Xmas?

I know it sounds harsh but she could well have 10 more Christmases. Start a new arrangement soon, a Christmas Day with a meal suitable for your husband but still doing presents etc could be wonderful. And, spreading the fun out could less tiring for her too.

We always went to my grandmothers for Christmas until it got a bit silly. She became elderly and couldn't cope with it but wouldn't admit to it. We used to cook all the food and drive it in the car to take the pressure off her but she still used to worry in the weeks running up to Christmas. It was exhausting. Like you, we thought "oh she is in her 80s, don't want to upset her" etc. She got over it!

Do what you want to do but put it out there sooner rather than nearer to Christmas. Mention it throughout the year to her so that it doesn't spoil her day. She will have months to get used to the idea. You say she would be devastated but my Nan has, over the last few years, come to enjoy a quieter Christmas. She is so tired she likes to now go to our house or another relative instead.

I don’t think you are BU. She’s been lucky that you’ve spent every year with her as it is, most families would swap. Life changes and Christmas arrangements change with it. I must admit there’s no way I would have gone in the first place to see my MIL if my husband couldn’t make it.

We had a similar situation. It all got so complicated with new partners and gc’s that we all stayed at our own homes with our immediate family for Xmas day and took it in turns to have Mum over, then had a whole family day on one of the other in between days at Mums. mum was upset at first but now quite likes it because she gets 2 Xmas days!

If your DC would spend the day with their partners, would it be just you and DH?

If we spent it at home I don’t know whether the DC would choose to have dinner with us or their partners’ families, but I know either way we would be able to see them as all of us live within 10 minutes of each other. I expect me and DH would eat just the two of us, which would suit DH very well as he could eat whatever he felt like, and then we would see the DC before/after.

I even think if we just stayed at MIL’s and I cooked a dinner there just for me, DH and MIL - the day would work much better. We could see DH’s siblings at other parts throughout the day, but could start a new Christmas Day tradition doing our own dinner. That way, I wouldn’t feel like I’ve turned up somewhere I’m not necessarily welcome anymore

We could see DH’s siblings at other parts throughout the day

As I mentioned earlier, why can't DH's siblings take turns and share the responsibility of doing Xmas Day with their mother? Why should they get off scot free whilst you and DH spend every year traveling and doing dinner?

I feel for you, we had already split Christmas with my parents before ill health kicked in. With my mother it was terminal illness so we all knew it was her last Christmas whereas I still feel guilty that I missed my father’s last Christmas as he died the 2nd of January. There are no easy answers but it feels so wrong that your Christmas is on hold and more so your DD.