Christmas is for spending time together, not just doing your own thing

[LonelyCardiff]

At the ILs since 23rd. For context it's just me, DH, DMIL DFIL and DBIL x2, no children. So not a particularly huge or hectic group. I like them, DH gets on with them but doesn't spend a lot of time with them usually. Was looking forward to doing things together and also just a bit of festive 'cheer.'

Every day since we arrived we've spent a maximum of 1-2 hours together. There's been no conversations at all about coordinating plans so that we fit in things everyone likes to do, coordinating meal times or things to do together. Each day different people just disappear for hours on end on their own or in pairs to go shopping, walking, to the pub, sit in their bedroom, watch TV in a different room etc without making plans with anyone else. Today two of them have been out all day watching sport, just came home and have announced they are going to a friend's house in an hour. So again a whole day with no time all together.

It doesn't help that no meals have been served at all since we've been here except for Christmas dinner, so there's been no punctuating the day with sitting down to eat together. I offered to cook today (as we were served nothing at all on Christmas Eve) and was turned down by MIL who said it's better if everyone just helps themselves from the fridge. I suggested a TV programme to watch yesterday that some refused to watch at all, and others just sat and talked over it, slept (it was very early evening) or complained. I suggested playing a game together today and no one was interested.

To be clear I definitely didn't expect everyone to be doing things together all the time, and I know everyone needs time out when extended family are all together. It's more that the balance of time together vs time apart seems totally out. Also the selfishness/ lack of compromise of only doing exactly what they want to do at all times rather than a bit of give and take for the sake of being together.

I know I'm perfectly entitled to just do my own thing as well, and I have been, but it's not really my idea of Christmas. I also know IWBU to expect my ILs to change the way they do things for me if they don't want to, so that's not really my AIBU. My AIBU is more AIBU to feel sad/ deflated about this, or are my expectations of family togetherness at Christmas too high?

Yanbu. I think everyone needs to do their own thing some or the time but that sounds like quite a lonely christmas

Have you spent xmas with them before? What does DH say?

I don't know, it sounds perfect to me! But then I'm easily overwhelmed in big groups and would much rather hang out with just one or two others.

DH and I spent yesterday together, but today we've been in separate rooms eating leftovers and watching our preferred crap telly!

And are they a close family in general?

They're close as in they talk a lot etc, but they're one of those families that communicates by shouting- everyone is free to be angry/ have a tantrum/ storm off over petty things and then it all blows over and that's seen as perfectly normal.

DH is a lot gentler than the rest of them, the only one who doesn't shout as an automatic response etc. So although he understands my point about being together, he's mostly just appreciating the peace and the fact that being apart most of the time means fewer arguments.

They're one of those families where when things are good, it's great. Everyone is very vibrant and has diverse interests and we have the occasional lovely long dinner putting the world to rights. I suppose I was hoping for more of that. But there is always an underlying tension where a lovely time could all kick off at any minute.

I agree with you that it's about balance. I don't like everything too organised and I do need some time out, but we definitely like to do most meals together or at least one, proper, sit down meal together each day. Also some games together or an outing, walk or watch a movie. The Waltons we are not, but definitely like a BIT of together time.

Maybe they really don't get on at the moment? The only time I feel like I have to make myself scarce is when I really don't have a good relationship with the people who are there. You all get on generally, but maybe there has been a fall out among the others recently?

The balance is way off. It sounds really boring.

It’s not really a ’get together’ is it? I wouldn’t be signing up for next year.

There hasn't been a particular falling out recently, but certainly there's a few resentments/ issues/ squabbles. The problem is though I'm from a family where that isn't normal (don't get me wrong, we have our own problems, just different ones). They all think the squabbles and the resentments are perfectly normal part of family life, so I can't see why it would suddenly lead them to avoiding each other over Christmas IYSWIM.

To be fair, I don't think they are actively avoiding each other. I think they're just such an individualist family that they all see no issue at all with just doing whatever they want at all times. I think I'm being a bit UR because this is just how they are, I just feel generally a bit sad and flat over the vibe of this Christmas. Is it normal to just miss your own family and the way they do things at Christmas no matter how old you get or how long you've been married?!

Sounds like my idea of hell.
I prefer to spend Xmas in my own home and host no one.

I think I would rather have a quiet Christmas at home

You would have probably had a better time at home together

Sounds like you’ve spent some time in a block of self catering where you know the regulars..so you spend a bit of time as you pass on the stairs..but then go off and do your own thing.
Weird
Surprised there’s no meals in the evening
Are you staying long?

Why do you need to still be there. Strange there are no proper meals organised

YANBU very weird to even bother to get together if you're not even going to eat meals together. I think normally when we're together as a family people will at least chat about what they're doing e.g. "we're going for a walk then a drink in the pub if anyone fancies it, if not how about dinner at 7?"

Is it your husband’s childhood home? If so, for him and his brothers it might just feel like ‘going home for Christmas’ rather than ‘a family get-together’. They may well be treating it like ‘home’ in that they come and go as they did when they lived there.

By the time my parents moved out of my childhood home, I hadn’t lived there in 14 years - but I still had my same key, would happily come and go whilst visiting, still went up to ‘my room’ if I needed a bit of peace and quiet etc. It’s slightly different now they no longer live there - I feel more like I’m visiting my parents rather than ‘going home’. Maybe because it’s your in-laws rather than your parents and you’ve never lived there, you feel more like a guest?

Sounds shite. Why bother meeting up if you're going to pretend you're not together.

It does seem a bit of a poor balance. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want several days of enforced fun and everybody compromising in order to spend all of the time together, but it does seem odd, as you say that there aren't conversations
"A + B are going to the match on Thursday if anyone wants to come"
"We were thinking of going for a walk for 3 or 4 hours on Friday if anyone wants to come"
"Does anyone else want to go and see if there is anything in the Sales on Friday"
"We're all a bit 'in and out' on Thursday so everyone feel free to help themselves from the fridge, but I was hoping on Friday evening we could all sit down together for a curry in the evening" type things

@StillCoughingAndLaughing that's a good point, I hadn't thought about it like that. DH often says he feels weird about me bringing wine over whenever we visit for an evening (despite always doing that as a guest anywhere else) as it makes him 'feel like a guest in his own home,' so you may be on to something there.

On the other hand, my DPs still live in my childhood home and although I'm obviously very comfortable there, I would still expect to have discussions over Christmas along the lines of 'what are we going to do today? We fancy a walk, anyone who doesn't want to join in meet us at the pub at 2.' And sometimes that would involve going on the walk even if I wasn't really feeling it, not because I'd be forced to but because I wouldn't want to be constantly opting out of what everyone else wanted to do together. And we'd always eat together at least!

As I said in my OP I do like them all very much, but I find them generally quite self centred and none of them are ever willing to compromise for the sake of harmony/ being together. It's not what I was used to in my own family and I find DH and I are always the ones who lose out because we're the only ones who prefer to do what others want and be together rather than do what we want. Maybe I'm more upset about it in the context of that.

I just don't really feel like I've had a Christmas at all and was wondering whether I'm being overly idealistic in feeling like I'd missed out on that family togetherness over Christmas!

Supposed to be leaving today (everyone knew that) but apparently we can't go until this evening because BIL has planned an activity for everyone to do together this afternoon