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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's the etiquette?

33 replies

BatRobin · 26/12/2019 15:31

NC, because, well, it's embarrassing to admit I have zero idea over social etiquette.

DH & I have been invited for a 'get together' with friends at their house (not close friends, more aquintances) this week. I assumed it was an evening thing with drinks but while sorting details today, they text saying they expect us between 1-2pm.

The context is 'get together' - what does that even mean? Drinks? Drinks and food? What time would you expect to leave? I don't want to outstay our welcome.

Help!

OP posts:
Namethecat · 26/12/2019 15:41

Take a bottle of both red and white wine and perhaps some chocs or flowers . Try to arrive about midway of the time given. You will probably be fed , it might just be nibbles.
Stays few hours , or take the pointers they could be giving out.
Don't get drunk or insult anyone , enjoy yourself.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/12/2019 15:42

I would have lunch, aim to arrive after 1.30 and expect to stay two to three hours. (Length of stay depends on how much I'm enjoying myself and when others start to drift away.)

Vague invitations are annoying!

MissE6791 · 26/12/2019 15:42

I would think drinks and some snacks at that time of day and would expect to stay a couple of hours. I’d take a bottle of booze and some flowers or chocolates.

Spied · 26/12/2019 15:45

I would take a bottle of wine and expect to stay until 5ish.
Just like an evening 'do' but a bit more relaxed.

Volluto · 26/12/2019 15:47

I wouldn't take a bottle to an afternoon gathering, but I would take a small gift - flowers or chocs or a little token candle or soap etc. All depends on how well you know them!

dudsville · 26/12/2019 15:51

I'd presume this was a brief afternoon get together, not a meal but nibbles provided, therefore no need to bring wine. Flowers, chocs or biscuits but something small.

Original poster
BatRobin · 26/12/2019 15:52

Thank you so much! Honestly, I've been stressed about appearring rude.

Great, I'll eat before, and take a bottle of Prosecco and box of chocs. And I'll book a taxi for 5pm.

Vague invitations are annoying! Exactly! I just like to know!

OP posts:
YuletideFairy · 26/12/2019 15:55

Why would you book a taxi for 5pm when the invite says between 1-2pm?

muddledmidget · 26/12/2019 16:02

I wouldn't book a taxi to go home at 5pm, when everyone else might be off at 4pm. Is there a pub or coffee shop nearby? I'd plan to go there afterwards and call a cab from there to avoid any awkwardness. Or drive and happily not drink at an afternoon get together

Original poster
BatRobin · 26/12/2019 16:08

Why would you book a taxi for 5pm when the invite says between 1-2pm because I don't want to outstay our welcome?

Everyone else might be off at 4pm it's just us and them, no others!

God I think I might just cancel. This is too ridiculously complicated!

I think if they genuinely liked us, they'd have invited us for evening drinks, not a weird after-lunch very vague 'thing'.

OP posts:
lifeisgoodagain · 26/12/2019 16:16

It's a normal thing at this time of year ... take a box of shortbread and drive, it's easier

Radyio · 26/12/2019 16:16

No don't cancel !! Go!

Bitchbadgerplease · 26/12/2019 16:20

I'd just ask them. I wouldn't like to turn up full from lunch to find out they had put on a spread I would then feel rude to not eat, and I'd feel sick if I hadn't eaten (especially if alcohol involved) and then the only food available was crisps and olives. I would ring and say "this get together, can I check if it involves food and if so do you want me to bring anything? Ive got some XYZ leftover/going spare?" That way they may say "oh no , just nibbles/drinks!" Or "Oh god no we're making everything!" Or "yes please, can you bring some..." either way you'll get your answer and they're the ones who have been vague and meant that conversation has to happen.

I always take a gift for a host at anything like this no matter what though. Usually wine. If I know they dont drink, then flowers, chocolates or cake.

DDiva · 26/12/2019 16:20

Do go and try not to over think it.

It's not unusual to have these daytime get togethers in between Christmas and New Year.

Prosseco and chocolates sound great. As for a taxi I'd go with the flow and call one when you're ready altho book ahead if you feel more comfortable.

DDiva · 26/12/2019 16:21

Yes I'd eat a light lunch, arrive 1.30ish they'll probably do nibbles or cheese and biscuits or something.

Hotcuppatea · 26/12/2019 16:27

Do you have to book a cab in advance? If not, don't book one and go with the flow.

If you do have to book in advance, message your friend and say something like this:

'Can't wait to see you and catch up. I have to book a cab home in advance otherwise we'll never get one on the day. What time should I book it for? We don't want to outstay our welcome and we also don't want to miss out on seeing you.'

Original poster
BatRobin · 26/12/2019 16:29

Thanks all, and DDiva, I think you're right and I'm over thinking.

I did ask at the time of the invite if I could bring anything but they said no. Don't know why I assumed it was an evening thing! Took me by surprise by it being early afternoon, like they don't want us over really. Reassuring to know it's not unusual, though.

They're definitely drinkers so I'll feel comfortable taking a bottle. I won't books taxi, then. Will try and pick up any cues they want us to leave - anything to look out for??

Ahhh I find these things so awkward!

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 26/12/2019 16:35

Such wise suggestions here, I'm impressed.

Agree that it's annoying when invitations are too vague, but think there are some very sensible suggestions on polite ways to get a bit more info - esp on whether you can help with food.

Do go, being something as suggested, and enjoy. Then when you next host, make a point of being extra clear on what the invitation includes

saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/12/2019 16:37

Agree with the others, just ask!

“Sounds great we’d love to come, a couple of quick questions; I’ll be booking the return taxi and was wondering if you could let me know what you were thinking timewise. Also, we have loads of nibbles left over can we bring anything?”

You could leave out the offer for food and just plan your meals according to what they come back with. I’d go for a late breakfast and assume snacks or lunch. Since you know what time you’ll be leaving you can judge how long you’d be without food in a worst case scenario.

Original poster
BatRobin · 26/12/2019 16:41

Many thanks to those reflecting that the invite is vague - I was really thinking the issue was me being totally socially inept!

I just don't want to risk offending or annoying the hosts, as I say, I have hardly any experience of social stuffs.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 26/12/2019 16:47

Do not bring a token fucking candle - there are some right idiots on here. I'd tell you to fuck off

paulinespeaksmanylanguages · 26/12/2019 16:52

Arrive at 1.15, bring a box of biscuits and make moves to go two hours later. Bring your car. A taxi suggests you expect to be drinking over the limit.

I often ask people over for a get together at about 3-I serves cakes etc and I expect them to go by about 5.30.

I do want to see them and it is not a second class invite.

NormaSnorks · 26/12/2019 16:59

Gawd.. I’m like you, I hate these vague invitations! We’ve been invited to an ‘Open house’ next week which starts from 2 pm and is apparently for ‘Drinks and Puddings’ Hmm I don’t have a sweet tooth and would much rather have a cheeseboard any day. I asked them what time we should book a taxi for and they just said it’s ‘sooo flexible’ and that in fact A&B weren’t arriving until 8 pm! WTF?
I’m now phoning around the other people we know have been invited to check we’re not going to be standing around on our own clutching a Prosecco and meringue all afternoon!

Original poster
BatRobin · 26/12/2019 17:01

I do want to see them and it is not a second class invite.

That makes me feel better!

Okay I've been brave (for me) and as suggested, asked for clarification - just waiting to hear back. Thanks again all. Stupid small problem I know!

OP posts:
BarchesterTowers · 26/12/2019 17:05

If there’s alcohol a cue to leave is if they offer a tea or coffee at about 4-ish. Accept one but a second offer is usually the cue to leave, unless you are obviously all having a good time.

It’s a normal nice thing to do this time of year. I like it as it means I can be home tucked up on sofa by about 6pm.