To think accepting you can't help an addict is easier said than done?

[Pleasehelpme2019]

I have posted about my DB a few times this last year. He is a 'recovering' alcoholic.
Growing up with him was a nightmare. He was violent, he was manipulative. He completely ruined most of my childhood and either caused himself or exacerbated any existing mental health problems.
He has spent most of the last five or six years back and forth to the doctor who tells him he will die if he keeps drinking so he gives up for a bit tells everyone hes sober and he now hates people who drink/pubs etc, only to be discovered that he is drinking again.
Among his health problems he has now also developed type 2 diabetes.
Since my parents died he now seems to depend on me for everything. I cannot cope with this at all and so have had to get support from others.
A couple weeks ago we went out as a family together to celebrate Christmas (a large number of us) and when the waiter came round to take orders he sat and begged me (why me I dont know) to let him have a drink. It was tragic he was actually begging. I know he is an adult and I should have zero input but I said I didn't want him drinking around me and my child. I also said as a bit of support none of us would drink. So we didn't. But I still can't shake the look of his face out of my mind when he was begging for a drink (I used to work in a pub at some point growing up and he would come in pissed just before closing and beg me to get him a drink, then I would refuse as he was already pissed and he would give me the "don't you love me" speech, so that just took me right back there).
Just this year his behaviour has almost got me fired from work (thank god I have a supportive boss), he has been on and off the wagon constantly and calls me up threatening suicide when I don't give him what he wants (long story there was a whole other thread about that).
I have had to be referred to a psychotherapist at work to help me cope with him.....as part of this I have had work on accepting that I cannot help him. Only he can do this. I cannot fix him, only he can do this.
I've been doing pretty well at coping with this but, since that night watching him beg for a drink I worry he can't fix himself. For some reason I now can't stop thinking that he is probably drinking again, and he just wanted us to validate this when we were out, or he will be drinking again, as he clearly needs it....which then leads me to my biggest worry. That he will die. That he will either drink himself to death or eat himself to death.
I'm trying so hard to accept that only he has the power to help himself but watching him slowly kill himself is so hard.

Sorry meant to disable the voting buttons.

This is very sad. Doesn’t sound like he’s actually in recovery, he’s an active addict. You do have choices here.

It sounds like you could benefit from doing much less and having different boundaries with him - eg you refer to your health and paid work having been negatively affected - you had and still have alternative choices about how do deal with him. Suggest that you prioritise your family and self.

his behaviour has almost got me fired from work

Have you tried Al Anon, for families of people with alcohol problems?

I have made a lot of positive change, most of the issues that I listed happened earlier this year and were the trigger I needed to change my response to him. With the help I have got and the support I have I have been able to put stronger and more defined boundaries in and I feel proud at how far I thought I had come, distance helps a lot with that, it was just the events of that night affected me a lot more than I expected they would. Watching him beg for a drink was hard regardless of all the other work I have put in.

We have someone in our family with complex issues around alcoholism and mental health. Thankfully they are not a close relative of mine, so I’m not embroiled in the way you are, but they are close enough for me to see the impact they have had on those around them for years.

You have done your best. It’s important to recognise and hold on to that when the feelings of guilt and helplessness get to you. If someone won’t or can’t be helped, you have to think about how to protect yourself.

They can only help themselves. My DB was a heroin addict, now on goodness knows what. He has been offered a lot of help and support from family and from the NHS, including a place in rehab (fully funded) following a spell in intensive care in hospital; he walked out after a day. He still bullies and intimidates my parents and takes every last penny from them, they have tried to draw boundaries but when a fully grown adult male is banging at your door and sobbing hysterically threatening all sorts if you don't give money it's hard. It's easy for people who haven't experienced it to say to draw boundaries but the reality is a lot harder. There's little support for addicts themselves let alone families, I fully empathise and sorry you're going through this.

Sorry, I took ages to type that and didn’t spot you’d posted. It sounds like you’ve made great strides, OP, hopefully this is a blip (not trying to undermine what was clearly an awful moment).

That’s good that you’ve made changes, suggest continuing to do so and seeking support for yourself.

Sadly, him behaving in ways that upset you and others at any family events he attends is probable. I wouldn’t invite him to any similar events in the near future.

Of course it's easier said than done. You are dealing with a human. A person you love. There are emotions involved and complicated histories. If it was a neighbour down the road you could very easily admit that you can't help them. It's different when it's someone close. Someone you love.

Everyone who enables an alcoholic does so from a place of love. You try to help. You try to make it better. You try to minimise the hurt caused by and to the person because you care about them.

Please look up your local Al-Anon group. It will change your life. It won't change his (at first) but if you change your actions than others around you will have to change their's.

The change might be recovery. Or it might be that he realises you are not going to be his emotional punching bag anymore.
Either way, your life will improve.

I have tried to find al anon meetings in my local area, there are 2 a week but unfortunately they are both at times I cant go.
Though, like an idiot I never realised they have a helpline/support number.
And dozer I think you are right, I suspect as much as he promises he is sober, I cant bring myself to believe him. Deep down that trust is gone. That's one of the worst things, I can't trust him, at all anymore.
I've heard it far too many times and I think believing it.....I'd just be kidding myself.

You are kidding yourself, OP. But the reason you are kidding yourself is because you love him. You want him to be OK. You want him to sort himself out. You hope, every day, that he will realise what is going on and decide to change it.

Google Alcoholism: A merry-go-round called denial.

You will recognise yourself, and maybe a few others.

Your brother isn't ready for recovery, yet. He may never be ready.
When you are ready, you will find an Al-Anon group to help you. But it is a big step going to that first meeting. Admitting you are helpless and realising you need support of others to get you through it.

It is so difficult dealing with this alone. If I were you I would prioritise Al-Anon above other commitments. You need it.

You have to go no contact . For your sake and your kids. Guaranteed he won't be up all night worrying about you when he is drinking.
You can't help him. Nothing you can do will help him. People can only help themselves when they are ready. Save yourself, for the sake of your sanity.

🙁

That’s a shame about Al Anon, are there any online groups, helpline, meetings further away or at better times? Could you get time off work to attend perhaps once every few weeks? Or if they’re in the evenings get some childcare?

I'm trying so hard to accept that only he has the power to help himself but watching him slowly kill himself is so hard.

Yes it is hard. And it's a truth that vast numbers of people hope isn't true for them but it always is.

Hello op. I am so sorry that you are suffering through this. In my experience you can't change or be responsible for the actions of an addict.

What hit me in your post was your concern about him drinking to death. I am sorry but if this happens it is and not and won't be your fault.

My ex husband was an alcoholic and I left him 4 years ago. A few months ago he died and was drinking to the end falling on and off the wagon.

One of the last conversations I had with his family after I left was with a close family member who said they expected him to drink to death as he wouldn't take help. But they said they knew with clear conscience that they had tried to help him.

I am sure you have done so much but it's time to consider your health and family. Don't let them and you be a victim of this disease.

And the threats of suicide - i used to get them and respond with details for the Samaritans. We are not trained counsellors.