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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what on earth is going on with this man?

14 replies

Allthefeeels · 26/12/2019 02:52

I spent a couple of months dating a guy who was ultimately relocating back home to the other side of the world for work. I knew this so we kept things casual, but inevitably feelings grew. He wasn’t some charming lethario type or anything, just a sweet man with whom I had a great connection. When he left we agreed we’d stay in touch and he suggested some particular arrangements to meet up in 2020.

Since he got home we’ve stayed in touch but it’s been really odd. He only messaged at the beginning or end of his day and seems to turn his Whatsapp off in between (they don’t use it a lot where he lives now).

He sent me some lovely messages wishing me Merry Christmas today and how he wished he’d been there to celebrate with me.

Later tonight though, I happened to send him a text while he was online and after the first delivered, the second (minutes later) didn’t. I had a feeling this might happen.

I like to think my BS barometer is pretty good and there was never anything in our time together to suggest he had anyone else at home. We went on a few trips together and there was absolutely nothing to suggest anything untoward. No secretiveness with his, no second phone (that I saw), nothing shady at all.

I can’t figure it out at all and I don’t really know what to do now. On the one hand I’m not sure how I’d ask without sounding like a stalker (‘hey, I saw you online and I messaged you but then you seemed to switch your whatsapp off immediately...’). On the other hand, it’s bothering me as I do have feelings for him and it’s quite upsetting, particularly with our potential holiday plans still to be discussed early next year.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allthefeeels · 26/12/2019 03:02

I should add that I do know with absolute certainty that he isn’t married (he lives in a country where it’s easy to access public records via the internet) but who knows whether there’s a girlfriend.

OP posts:

Toomanygerbils · 26/12/2019 03:10

You knew the long distance thing wouldn’t work out, he’s messaging you when he’s lonely. You need to move on 🙁

mrssillysausage · 26/12/2019 03:12

Hi, well he sounds like a plum. You've only been together a v short while and although you felt a strong connection, within that time it's unlikely to be anything serious. I'd just write it off as a good experience and move on. Good luck!

Original poster

Allthefeeels · 26/12/2019 03:13

Ahh, hit post too soon. I’m not looking for any commitment or anything from this man, I really just want to protect my own feelings if indeed there is something strange going on. I don’t want to get any more invested emotionally. There’s definitely a pattern of him turning his whatsapp off either immediately after replying to me or (in today’s case) it appeared to be as soon as he saw the message from me.

My AIBU question is really whether I’d sound a bit mad to bring this up to him and if not, how would I even ask such a thing?

OP posts:

Toomanygerbils · 26/12/2019 03:17

Depends on if either or both of you think you’re in a relationship?

Toomanygerbils · 26/12/2019 03:20

But tbh yes I would say it would be mad to bring it up, he’s shown he doesn’t want to be with you in a long term relationship. What’s the point of making it more painful for you, he’s not the one, if he was you wouldn’t be posting this here

Original poster

Allthefeeels · 26/12/2019 03:25

This is such good perspective (and exactly why I posted here). No, neither of us think this a relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allthefeeels · 26/12/2019 03:33

Thank you @Toomanygerbils for the sensible perspective. It was exactly what I needed. I think I’m applying a bit of a hopeless romantic angle to something that’s actually quite straightforward.

Sometimes MN terrifies me but I’m glad I posted this one. The head wobble was much needed.

OP posts:

KC225 · 26/12/2019 03:50

These situations are complicated. He is a nice guy, you had a good time, he was single and you claim a good connection. It's only natural to wonder what if....... But the truth is - he went home and he didn't say he was coming back nor suggest you go with him. He may be texting nice messages saying, wish I was there to celebrate with you doesn't mean anything. I have text the very same thing to about five sets of people around the world and I am married with kids.

Hard to hear but he kept it casual and you weren't as casual as he was. If he is home, it is perfectly ok for him to be chatting and dating people as you are not together.

Perhaps stop texting him. Go cold turkey and try and get out meet other people.

CardsforKittens · 26/12/2019 03:58

Yeah, he’s making it weird. You could have had a bit of long distance messaging until it fizzled out, but only if both of you were reasonably open and honest about the inevitable limitations. However, he has introduced additional limitations. It’s not outright dishonesty, but it does suggest he’s stringing you along. Unfortunately I think your best bet is to cut your losses and start looking for someone else - someone a bit more straightforward.

(I was in a similar situation many years ago. I went on the holiday. That was when I found out he had another girlfriend. I met her. She was really nice - she deserved better. As did I.)

DonutMan · 26/12/2019 04:00

Ultimately, it's probably not going to work out going forwards (harsh but true) so why agonize over it. It does sound odd, but I genuinely reckon in a few months you'll care a lot less either way.

TheNameGames · 26/12/2019 04:53

Can I just say something possibly in defence and this might not be the case but this happens to me and even the WhatsApp help centre has said it’s impossible and I just need to change my settings and I’ve tried to tell them that I know it’s impossible but it’s true but anyway:

My WhatsApp doesn’t alert me to messages. If I’m using the app and I get a message from someone else in there, my phone vibrates to alert me that I’ve received a message. But if I’m not in the app then I won’t get any type of alert and it’s not uncommon for me to be having a conversation with someone and if they don’t immediately reply I’ll put my phone away and then get distracted doing something else and sometimes won’t reply back for hours as I don’t know I’ve had a response from then until I actually go into the app and check it. He could also have WhatsApp set to WiFi only setting and only connects to WiFi at home.

PicsInRed · 26/12/2019 06:07

He's married.

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2019 06:14

No, neither of us think this a relationship.

But you are acting a bit like it is. Watching to see if your messages are read, checking when he is online. Sorry but your relationship is over, all you are now is casual acquaintances.

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