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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset at my mum?

26 replies

Nurse1980 · 26/12/2019 00:35

Myself, partner and three children (age 2,3 and 7) were supposed to be going to my parents today for Christmas dinner. My brother was also going and my pregnant sister.
Myself and the children have been poorly with a bad virus this past week. I did check that it was ok if we still came, my parents said yes.
My sister said she will have to get to my parents early, and leave before we get there to avoid us and our germs as she is pregnant. Fair enough. So we had arranged to get there for 4pm as she said she would leave then.
4pm came and my sister was still there. So my mum said she would be gone soon so we could come.
Then my eldest started with a temp of 38.7. It was then 5.30pm when I was finally given permission to come as my sister had left.
I then told my mum that it may be best if I came on my own, as we all wouldn’t get there until 6.30pm and my 7 year old was more unwell. She then persistently said no bring the kids etc etc as my brother wanted to see them. I said no as it was too late and I had been waiting round since 4pm for my sister to leave. She said ok then don’t bother.
Just ignored me saying I could come on my own. Like it was all about the kids so that my brother could see them (he’s never met our two year old). Didn’t give a shite about seeing me! Just wanted me to drag all three children out that late when they are poorly just to please my brother.
Have I got a right to be pissed off?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 26/12/2019 00:38

I dont think you should have even considered going tbh. Youve all been ill and clearly still not all over it. You should have said you were staying at home this year anyway.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 26/12/2019 00:42

Agree with @calleighdoodle. Hope you all get well soon op.

heartsonacake · 26/12/2019 00:47

YABU. You shouldn’t have even considered going with you all being unwell.

It’s not a case of “checking if it’s still okay to go”, it’s a case of “we’re unwell we can’t go”, particularly with a pregnant relative.

ChristmasCroissant · 26/12/2019 00:56

Why didn't you just set off at 3.00pm to arrive by 4.00pm as planned though, OP? I do think it was unwise to wait for your sister to leave first if it is an hour's drive away.

Hope the children are getting better.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 01:04

YANBU, your mum should have made sure our sis was gone by 4pm.

Also, she should have welcomed you on your own without the DC.

Is she always this thoughtless? On the face of it she wants to see her children on Christmas which is great, but her actions seem to show she puts you last?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 26/12/2019 01:17

I have been saying all week that we aren’t well etc. But my parents have been saying it’s fine etc, your sister will come and leave before you etc. We were all getting better on Christmas Eve and even managed to get out (first time in a week). Then my eldest became worse today.
I just felt that she wasn’t bothered about seeing me and the kids. It was either all or nothing as she wanted my brother to see my children. When I said it had gotten a little late and the eldest was unwell, she didn’t take me up on the offer that I could come without them. Which has upset me a little.

OP posts:
Havaina · 26/12/2019 01:40

When I said it had gotten a little late and the eldest was unwell, she didn’t take me up on the offer that I could come without them. Which has upset me a little.

Is it possible she assumed you wanted to stay with your eldest as he was unwell? Or did she definitely know you were happy to come without them?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 26/12/2019 01:48

She definitely knew I was ok coming without them and they could have stayed with their dad for an hour or so. But she didn’t answer me.

OP posts:
Napmum · 26/12/2019 02:02

I would be pissed off in these circumstances. It sounds like she was mainly interested in your brother seeing the kids as you say which if he was that bothered surely could happen another day. I am not sure why you waited for sister to leave but it was nice of you to work around her needs, although maybe I would have set off at 4 as this would have given her an extra hour to leave but then the fact your oldest we as getting worse again may have been part of the factor too. It sounds like most of the way through you were going along with your mom's plan, so maybe she expects everything to be perfect for her?

BillHadersNewWife · 26/12/2019 02:09

It's shit but the fact is, even if your sister had left at 4 as she said she would, your eldest would have got ill at your Mum's and you'd have all had to go anyway.

It's a bit rude your Mum didn't tell you to come too but it sounds like you were all dissapointed at how things turned out. Forget it now.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 02:16

Forget it now

If this happens regularly then I don't think OP should forget it.

There's nothing wrong with telling your own mum when she's upset you.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2019 02:24

YADNBU and your mum is most unkind. I really hope you will all be well again soon.

I'd suggest if your brother really wants to see you kids he might make the effort to come and visit you.

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 26/12/2019 09:06

The thing is my mum is normally so kind and does go out of her way for me usually.
I guess this is why I’ve been offended so much! She just kept saying, well just bring one or two kids. Which made me feel like she seeks them as objects!

OP posts:
Obligatorync · 26/12/2019 09:09

It seems like about 90% of the country has been ill in the last few weeks. I'd be upset too OP.

Wilmalovescake · 26/12/2019 09:12

No, you’re the unreasonable one, for saying in advance you weren’t coming.

You are your children’s mother. You and your partner make the final call on their well-being. No one else.

Your Mum was just trying to salvage something and see her grandkids. That’s not wrong. She wasn’t there to know how poorly you or your kids were.

Wilmalovescake · 26/12/2019 09:13

For NOT saying in advance you weren’t coming.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2019 09:19

I wouldn’t be willing to take a two hour round trip away from my children on Christmas Day. It would have been better just to call it off when you all fell ill.

NicEv · 26/12/2019 09:23

I feel a bit sorry for your mum , it sounds like she was trying to juggle lots of different people’s competing needs. Hosting Christmas can be a nightmare !

If she is normally kind and loving just forget it - it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things

damnthatanxiety · 26/12/2019 09:52

Wilmalovescake isn't it reasonable that the OP wanted to see HER dm on Christmas day -just like her sister did? WOuldn't it be reasonable for ds and dm to stick to the plan and have ds leave when agreed, at 4pm so the OP could visit her dm on Christmas day? Isn't it reasonable for the OP to have a life beyond being attached to her dc for a couple of hours? her dh was more than capable of being at home with the dc.

fuzzymoon · 26/12/2019 10:26

I agree with Nic.

If she's normally so kind and caring she was probably trying to accommodate all of you. I find it really hard to give the same of me to both of mine. Sometimes it looks like I'm doing more for one than the other when there was definitely no intention of that. It's just how things work out at the time.

Napmum · 26/12/2019 12:39

If she's normally kind and reasonable then try to forget it when we're stressed we often make bad calls especially when circumstances keep changing. It sounds like it has been a rubbish and tiring time so you're probably more sensitive to every mistake x

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 12:45

I think if you are upset, you are upset. There's nothing unreasonable about it. If you think you can say something, then do, if you are that bothered. Be prepared for her to be dismissive just in case. It doesn't change your feelings on it though.

Evilspiritgin · 26/12/2019 12:50

I’m presuming if he hasn’t met your 2 yr old, that your brother lives quite far away? I can understand that you mum would have wanted your brother to meet the youngest

inlectorecumbit · 26/12/2019 13:01

I would have arrived with the DC at 4pm then it was up to your pregnant Dsis wheither she stayed or not.
She was being quite selfish not leaving at 4pm

DJA1511 · 26/12/2019 13:06

Why couldn’t they visit you? Your babies were poorly, it was Christmas I completely get why you wouldn’t want to drag them out.

I feel similar with my mum. She’s not interested in just seeing me only with the kids. I mean I always have my kids but when they are at school I feel
Like I can’t pop to my mums for a cuppa nor do we do anything together without the kids. It sucks.