To feel criticised.

[Poppet1710]

AIBU To be feel criticised and not want to go to family lunch tomorrow.
I have a gorgeous 8 week old baby who I adore. We had a traumatic birth and first 2 weeks of life. I have a large amount of anxiety around making sure he is ok and my lack of ability to breast feed. He is being fed a mix of formula and expressed milk and thriving on this but I still have a lot of guilt around this which I am working through.
Today I have felt criticised as a mother and as a wife. Just a few things that have happened today-

1. Told by a relative that they told me so with regards to bottle feeding. I tried to breast feed for 6 weeks but it didn’t work out. This relative at the time was encouraging me to put him on the bottle from 2 weeks old. Was also told just to stop expressing when I said how I didn’t get much sleep last night due being out for Xmas eve, then needing to feed DC then express which meant I had less sleep than normal due to the late night. Was told that I should of stopped trying to breast feed sooner.
2. Told by my sister that I was being unfair taking the baby upstairs to settle him and then putting on the TV and watching the start of a show that everyone wanted to watch. I was upstairs for over an hour, no one came to check on us and they were all downstairs playing a game. They knew the time the show started and I did say I didn’t mind watching it again but just needed something to keep me entertained while the baby slept on me.
3. Being told to cut my husband some slack as I was a bit upset that I was left alone with the baby with no one at least checking in on me. Background- my DH has struggled to bond with DC and has admitted being low in mood. He refuses to see a doctor about it and says it is just due to him needing to adjust. He finds it difficult to settle DC so I do the majority of baby care. I don’t mind this but alongside this he isn’t really pulling his fair share at home, tells me I’m bossy and gets in a huff when I ask him to do something. Today for example I asked him to clear up the wrapping paper while I got Baby ready to go round to my family’s. He was all ready to go himself but I was yet to get ready myself. He got all huffy that I asked him as he wanted to chill out for a bit like ‘I had earlier’. (This chill time was me watching a movie on the sofa with baby asleep on me after feeding him. He meanwhile was in bed for an hour of that and then made breakfast. Which I then cleared up from while expressing milk). My family don’t know the extent of the trouble we are having- they know he is low but not that I’m doing most of the house work as well as baby care. So it was a bit frustrating to be told to cut him some slack when I asked him to do something and had to repeat myself several times. (I suppose this is my own fault as they don’t know the extent of our issues) Alongside this my sister then told me to let him have fun as this is the first time in ages that he has been happy- this referred to when they were all downstairs playing a game and I was upstairs with the baby. It hurt pretty badly to be told that this is the first time he has been happy when it is a time he isn’t around me or his DC.

We are meant to be going back round to my family’s for games and lunch tomorrow but I just don’t feel mentally strong enough to have a repeat of today. AIBU to feel this way and to cry off going tomorrow as all I want is a day to me and DC where I can just meet his and my needs without feeling criticised, snuggle and watch Xmas TV and movies?

Don't go there will be other lunches/games. At this time of year you should put yourself first you've just had a baby and still adjusting. I would even over explain yourself as to why you aren't going. You have enough on your plate without having to worry about others.

I strongly suspect I will be called selfish by DH for not going as all the family want to spend time with DC. I’m sure my sister will come here if we don’t go. I’m just so tired of him putting on a front for my family and then me being told I’m the problem.

Congrats on your gorgeous baby OP!

Your husband sounds very unsupportive and quite selfish. It seems like he views child rearing and housework as solely your job and that's unacceptable. You need to change this now otherwise it will be come harder as time goes on. Will you be a SAHM or go back to work? You are at risk of doing it all and burning yourself out if youe DH doesn't do his equal share.

Why are you putting up a front for your family? They are primarily your support network, OP, not your DH. Don't let him commandeer them. Tell your family the truth and tell them you need their support.

*not your DH's

It isn’t that he views them as only my job. He tells me know he needs to do more but that he lacks motivation. He has all the classical signs of depression- low mood, disturbed sleep pattern, lack of interest appetite changes. He will do things if asked but is just struggling to be proactive so I end up doing it as I don’t want to nag him about it again and again. Before baby came he did the majority of the house work as I worked long irregular hours so I’m not worried that long term it will all fall on me. TBH he is just a completely different person to the man I married.

My mum knows we are struggling and I have told her what it is like here but as he appears so helpful when they are around she thinks I am overblowing it. Initially when I had the baby she came round lots, helped out with cleaning etc. This stopped a couple of weeks ago- She feels that he sees her as an interfering mother in laws is reluctant to keep coming to help me despite what I say. She also has a lot on her own plate.

It is the comments about how I’m parenting which hurt so much- hands up I am anxious and so I maybe a bit over careful with some things- room thermometer, not wanting him napping in a different room to us but other things is because the advice has changed like I took him out of his car seat even though he had fallen asleep on the way round.

My family keep offering to have DS so I can ‘get things done’ or relax/ sleep or go out with hubby just the two of us. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but this isn’t what I want as:

1. I don’t want to just leave my son with them for a few hours. I don’t mind people watching him in my own hone with me close by but I’m not ready to leave him. I just get called overprotective.
2. With the attitude to some of the above changes in advice I don’t necessarily feel comfortable that they will follow it.
3. My dad and his new wife both smoke. Now they will wait to hold DS for at least 30 mins and wash their hands but it remains on their clothes.
4. I don’t really feel like going out with DH the two us- we aren’t the 2 of us anymore and I don’t see how it will help him bond with DS. I may be wrong here. I’ve tried to be sympathetic with DH but I’m just growing tired of it. I’ve got my own mental health problems but I admit that and I’m determined to have help/ not let it affect my relationship with DS.

I’ve tried to talk to DH about all of this numerous times- he takes it on and things get better for a few days but then we end up back where we were as he slips back to wallowing. I’ve tried to explore with him and support him but I’m not sure how long I can keep doing it. He isn’t a talker at the best of times so I’m a bit stuck.

Ok, firstly calm down. Babies need mum lots at first and your baby is tiny still. Dad will bond with baby in his own time. It can be different for men and it can grow on them. As he gradually does more and interacts more it will happen. So don't stress about it, get anxious about it or project that onto him or he will fret and worry about something that is completely normal.

Secondly all his classic signs of depression are also signs of having a new baby and being exhausted. I know you are doing lots too but the broken sleep can get to both of you.

Thirdly your mum might be right to pull back slightly to let the two of you find your way through. If she's picking up the slack he won't step up.

Finally chill and enjoy your baby. You took baby upstairs to settle him......if people were popping up every two minutes it would be more unsettling and wouldn't help you. So what did you want them to do?

As for boxing day. Why not walk over with baby in buggy just for a few hours with hubby and then go home again?

I do know that it can take time for men to adjust and I am trying to give him space. However the sleep thing is not adjusting to a new baby/sleep deprivation. He sleeps in the spare room during the week so he can get unbroken sleep for work. He will get 8 hours ish this way but still come home and often nap in the evening- taking himself off to the bedroom while I’m left with the baby.
@mumdiva99- yes it could be that they were leaving me to it and you are right that people popping up every two minutes wouldn’t of helped. But the offer of a drink, Xmas pudding etc would of been nice given I was gone for over an hour and a half, and when people came up it was to watch TV not see if they could do anything for me but noted thank you.

YANBU. Don’t go today and instead have your lovely day in snuggling with DC, watching films and feeding both of you. Your family have been very unfair and DH sounds like a man child.

You have a long list of concerns, so one by one in no order

1. if your baby sleeps you do not need to hold it or be next to it. Babies will do that just by themselves. The less you are part of it the more easily you establish that baby sleeps well and on her own.

2. Father/child bonding happens different and slower. You had 9/12 head start on him. It will happen his way and not by necessity in a fashion you anticipate. You are also not the mediator or responsible for it to happen. The less you make yourself responsible for it, the easier it will be for all.

3. Couple time does not stop being necessary by way of a baby. In fact many marriage failures I have observed started with lack of separation between marriage relationship and role as parents.

4. You are right, he sounds depressed. Maybe it is his adjustment, but he should probably still speak with his GP. It can not harm him and will do loads of good if he does need treatment. The earlier he gets it the sooner he will be well again.

5. "changing advice" - much of what is bandied about as "advice" is bollocks and that includes specifically child care advice. The evidence base for a lot is slim to non existent. Before you go down the route of cutting yourself loose from vital support (your mum looking after baby etc) dig into your concerns 're things she might do differently and see if your fears have any actual foundation.

6. The relative who counselled against breastfeeding was of course wrong. You done a good job expressing and the bulk of the potential benefit via breastfeeding is now on board of baby.

@LurkingFather
Oh I certainly would trust my mum with DS. I was talking about the safe sleeping guidance which has changed since my mum had me. I was put down on my tummy. She follows it as she knows how things have changed. It is just other members of the family who say that I shouldn’t worry- like when I got DS out of his car seat and that it did their kids no harm to sleep on their stomach, sleep in the car seat etc. that I find difficult to trust.
I understand couple time is important. It is just at the moment I don’t feel ready to leave DS for too long and at the moment with the way DH has made me feel not sure I want to spend time just with him as I might say something I would regret.
Im not sure what you mean by if your baby sleeps you do not need to hold it or be next to him. I’m happy with the way DS sleeps. Generally he is very good- goes down in his Moses basket at night well. Daytimes are more variable and sometimes if he is over stimulated he is best just snuggling on me. I enjoy that as I see it as me and his time and it makes me take time to rest. Maybe I’m over reading into the advice to have them sleep in the same room as you until 6 months. I’ve applied this to when he is sleeping during the day as well so he sleeps wherever I am during the day. I will pop out the room at times when he is asleep but I’m mainly base myself in the room that he is sleeping in.

Do what your instincts tell you to do. If you want to nap during the day with your little one do so.

Your little one is still so young and you ll never get this time back.

Buggar everyone else couple time will come in time