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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I start the conversation about why step dad is being so nasty?

3 replies

maisienminnie · 25/12/2019 23:42

The last few months has been a roller coaster of trying to support mum at the end of her life and get the appropriate services in place. My step father has taken on the vast majority of looking after my mother - she has always been the centre of his world - with a lot of support from me. I have three other siblings, but the oldest doesnt like my step dad and has done very little to help - the other two are estranged from the family. Growing up was tough, my mum and step dad were very critical and quite cold (when he wasnt drunk and explosive) and I have had to work hard to have a relationship with them. But I thought we had worked through things and were getting on ok. Last week my step dad got angry at me: he had visitors coming up, and he volunteered me to take them back to the train station that is half an hour away from here. No problem with that, he told me they were leaving at 5pm. Turns out they were leaving at 6.15pm and my plans for the evening included being picked up at 6.30pm. So I couldnt take them, and talked to them about making other plans. Which they were fine with. He was absent when I arrived with them having collected them from the station, stormed in later and announced 'i want to talk to you' in a very aggressive way. He went out of his way not to talk to me for the rest of the day. So I did what I have done when he has done this before, which is to disengage for a few days, during which time he usually settles down (although it upsets me not to be around so much for mum). He is quite an angry person in general, and very dismissive of anything done differently from the way he would do it (one of the reasons for the two estranged siblings). It is a week later, and he is still giving me the silent treatment, which has made Christmas day really strained - he even refused to open the presents I bought for him. I feel horrible for my mum but am really torn about what to do. On one had I feel like I should talk to him, get this out in the open and move on. On the other hand I feel like I dont want to support his childish behaviour, and in any case, I just dont have the energy for this - although I get that it is different for him, it is hard on me too. I am so sad about this whole thing. Advice?

OP posts:
DonutMan · 25/12/2019 23:46

I'd defo try not to let him discourage you from spending time with your mother in her last days.

maisienminnie · 26/12/2019 00:25

you are right - I do spend time there pretty much every day - but for my sanity I need a day off every now and then when he is being such a jerk.

OP posts:
Pembsgirl · 26/12/2019 00:38

Did you ever actually discuss why the timing needed to be changed? If not, make a point of saying that he obviously has a problem that needs to be dealt with, as it's making life uncomfortable for everyone, and then just tell him that while you were more than happy to help out with the original plan, it wasn't actually you who changed the time the guests were planning on leaving, and it's time he realised it was either him or his guests who got it wrong, and stop taking it out on you. Don't let his temper tantrums stop you spending precious time with your Mum during what could be her last days. Hope you can sort it out, but do it sooner rather than later.

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