My son has no routine

[keysonthehighshelf]

My 14 month old has no routine and I don't know how to start one. Please don't judge me. I left an abusive relationship on February. Went to live with a friend. Moved back with my mum in April. Then my dad bought a house so moved on with him. I've just started back at work 30 hours a week. My life has been uprooted and my son still feeds to sleep but usually doesn't get tired until 10. I feel like a shit mum. Can anyone advise on how I get him in to a better routine? Sorry for posting in AIBU. Spending my Xmas Eve in tears and could use some reassurance.

First of all, please don’t feel like a shit mum - it’s nobody else’s business to judge whether you’re doing things right as there is no “right” way. And secondly, it sounds like you’ve been incredibly brave and done something really heroic for your son so actually you’re a bloody legend of a mum!!!

You’re not a shit mum at all. You’re recovering. Give yourself time.

Take a pen and paper and write down what you’d like his routine to look like. Start with what time you need to get him up in the morning for daycare/childminder etc and go from there.

My 14month old has a constantly changing routine and feeds to sleep. They're all different and as long as he's getting enough sleep overall I wouldn't panic x

And please don’t spend your Xmas worrying about this. There’s time to sort it after Xmas. Enjoy your day with him tomorrow.

My son is the same age as yours and while he has a routine that we’ve followed for months, ultimately he decides whether it puts him to sleep straight away or not and so you aren’t necessarily missing out on anything (except time to yourself in the evening which you deserve). Maybe you could try Lucy wolfe’s No cry sleep solution. I found it really helpful but again do not beat yourself up if you don’t do it perfectly! It’s just useful for some ideas on how to start a routine that ultimately needs to suit you and your son. The best thing I ever read on Mumsnet was - don’t forget that no one has written a book on how you should specifically bring up your own son - ie we are all so different. Good luck, I think you’re doing brilliantly xx

Neither of my 2 have been in a proper routine until they needed to be for Nursery at 4. With DS1 I worried about it but with DS2 I'm much more relaxed. I wouldn't worry unless there are parts of your day that you want to change? Work on those first?
With the sleep, neither of mine went to bed till 9 when they were that age. DS2 was always 9pm till 7am. He started Nursery in September and now goes down about 8ish. You are not a shit mom, there is no one 'right' way to do things, just what works for you and your DS.

You are definitely not a shit mum. By this time next year you will most likely have him in a great routine.

With my ds we just brought bedtime forward gradually 20 mins at a time. So if his current bedtime is 10 then go for 9.40 for a couple.of nights, 9.20 after that etc. It won't be plain sailing but it should work over the course of a few weeks.

If he naps in the day I suggest leaving 4/5 hrs after nap before bed. If you need to wake him up then do it.

Go with the standard routine of bath, story, milk, bed. Do the same every night.at first hemay not take to it but if you keep repeating it he will come to expect it. I would say don't worry too much about feeding to sleep, my 3 all did this and grew out of it before they were two.

You're not a shit mum. You've done the right thing for your son. Can you just go to other it for w couple of days and get through Christmas and then sort out routine?

Bloody hell OP this time last year you were in an abusive relationship and now you're just worried your DS has no routine - you've done an amazing job!

It sounds like he does have a routine of sorts if you know he gets tired some time after 10. OK obviously that's a bit late but you can easily shift things back slowly (say half an hour a day). Make sure he's up a little earlier each morning (painful at first). Experiment with how long after waking he needs a nap and again experiment with how long after his nap he'll fall asleep for the night. Do a good bedtime routine - bath, story, cuddles etc. Mainly just give it time it'll happen!

I'd also second the advice of not even worrying until after Christmas. My two have had ridiculously late bedtimes all over Christmas every year since birth - things are always messed up around this time so it's not even worth bothering until things get back to normal.

I dont think you need to bath every night.

You definitely don't need to bath a baby more than once or twice a week but it's still a good way to get into a routine and can help them feel sleepy. Most toddlers love it too and it's great for development to play with water.

Personally I'm really glad I didn't develop the expectation of a bath every night. Was certainly great to do in the daytime and splash and have fun but I didnt want it to become a part of a routine I was tied to!

I only really read about it bejng a thing when my baby was a bit older anyway so thankfully never had it as an expectation. (Was it Gina Ford who made it "a thing?.")

We did stories and cuddles at bedtime but followed my babies really initially and didnt have any set routine. They fell into one as fited our rhythm though, eg second child.slept on walk back from school. Id always take a baby to bed with me when I went and was tired.

Do i just want ti reassure you!! Maybe your current routine is a 10pm bedtime and a late start. Thats fine if it fits your current lifestyle and the child gets enough sleep in total!!

Please dont be in tears over it. It sounds like your beautiful baby and you have fallen into your own pattern!

You sound like a really brave mum OP, definitely not a shit mum. You got him out of a bad situation and are making a life for both of you now. That's by far the most important thing. Routines can be made very quickly. As another poster suggested the Lucy Wolfe books are very good and can help you.

DD did not go to bed til we did. That gave us the longest undisturbed sleep.

My baby is similar age and exactly the same. Bedtime is around 10pm and she feeds to sleep, she sleeps till around 9am (but wakes up 2-6 times for feeds... I've just gotten used to it...). She has one or two naps during the day, whenever it suits, in the car, in the pram, after a feed at home.... I plan to go back to work soon so I think we'll naturally fall in a slightly different routine as she'll need to get up earlier. Plus once I stop the breastfeeding she'll hopefully start sleeping through. But meh, no one will ask her what her routine was at age one and judge her because of it when she's eighteen, so just go with whatever works for you.

Look at what time you need to be up to cope with work and move towards it in quarter hours. It will be fine. No need to stress as you've done far more than sort a routine out already.

Please do not put too much pressure on yourself.

My 13mo has a good daytime routine but nighttime is not great. They go through phases so a perfect routine doesn't exist.

The pen and paper idea is a good one.

We don't bath our DS more than 2-3 times a week.

I liked routine when mine were small.

However, not having one does not make you a shit parent.

You’ve come through a lot. Be kind to yourself. And have a great Christmas.