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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect a card

56 replies

Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 22:09

Ok new to this so apologies.
My best friend and I for years have done presents, for OH’s as well. This year we said no as it’s getting too much. I agreed as I have had the worst year. Anyway not bothered about presents but I did send (hand delivered) them a really nice card and then the other week they mentioned in a conversation they have never had a real Christmas tree, ever. Well I knew they had one up (false) but know the have a conservatory they use all year, so sent them a smallish (real plotted) one with lights and flowers plus chocolates, they were over the moon. I said I don’t want anything back it was from OH and I for them to experience the smell etc. Well Christmas Eve and I’ve not had a card, they even said yesterday oh yes sorry about that. They knew less than a week ago OH was in car accident, not his fault and not hurt, still traumatic. Aibu to expect a card from a best friend?

OP posts:
muddypuddles12 · 24/12/2019 22:51

maybe I am unrealistic to expect one or thought they were a friend.

Do you really consider someone to not be a good friend just because they forget to send a card?!

I'm screwed then because I consistently forget!

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 22:53

congratulations this was my first post, thanks to the very few who did support me though. Happy Christmas to you all. Night

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 24/12/2019 22:57

You sound like a sarcastic moany minnie tbh. Night! Hmm

iano · 24/12/2019 22:59

Haha! Are you my bestie?! She sent me a card but I didn't send one back. She seemed 100% fine about it on the phone when I rang to thank her.
I think if cards matter to you, then you need to say that. Many people are cutting down on cards due to the environmental impact. I don't do them for that reason. If I know the person very much appreciates a card and maybe keeps it I might send one...

incognitomum · 24/12/2019 23:03

Why post in aibu if you don't want people's opinions?

I didn't send one of my best friends a card she sent me one. Another further away sends one every year and i rarely do. They still love me Xmas Smile

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 23:12

I actually wanted a genuine opinion of anyone who has had a very good friend or someone who would feel a bit peeved by a best and I mean best friend who didn’t send a card, yes they have had a bad year and they know I have had the worst year of my life, but it doesn’t matter because you all have or lead much better lives than I.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 24/12/2019 23:17

I have a best friend - since we were 8. She is like a sister. I cannot tell you whether I have had a card from her or not. And I couldn’t tell you what it looks like if I have. You are so unreasonable.

Devonishome1 · 24/12/2019 23:17

I think I would feel abit miffed that they hadn’t sent me a card.

ChoccyJules · 24/12/2019 23:19

If someone is a really good friend then I wouldn’t care if I got a card from them or not because I already know they are a close friend.

BellyButton85 · 24/12/2019 23:23

I hate bloody Christmas cards except my special ones from my husband and kids. I bin them without even opening them from anyone else. I give a tenner to charity instead of Christmas cards

EBearhug · 24/12/2019 23:25

I would feel miffed if they sent everyone but me a card. I wouldn't be at all bothered if they haven't sent anyone cards. I don't send people cards if I will see them in person in the run-up to Christmas. I didn’t get round to sending any last year.

I am not feeling bad about the people who sent me cards which I didn't reciprocate with, either. What really counts is if they're there for you when you need it, not cards.

Wolfiefan · 24/12/2019 23:28

You lost me at the point at which you stopped putting full stops to mark the end of sentences.
Sending a poxy card doesn’t show how much you value a friendship or really love someone.
Sounds like you just want a sulk. Have at it.

iano · 24/12/2019 23:30

In answer to your question: I think it's nice my bestie sent me one but in all honesty wouldn't notice or care if she hadn't.
I think it's hard to accept others don't 'measure' friendship the same way as we do. This is clearly important to you. Your bestie may not know that and may have inadvertently upset you. Hope that helps

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 23:36

They are a very special friend, this year they admitted something to me that I would not wish on my worse enemy and helped them through it when they couldn’t tell their spouse, but I’ve also had a very dose bereavement and it nearly brought me to my knees but I have someone at home who’s also very poorly as well, so it’s not easy.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/12/2019 23:37

I don’t understand. A card won’t make all that better. Confused

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 23:38

I admit I didn’t say all this in OP but I didn’t know I was going to be so bad, apologies in future I will give more background

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 24/12/2019 23:48

For the full stop lady, apologies I am admittedly very bad at grammar, Though I am not too good at maths either apparently said the engineer

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/12/2019 23:55

Are you on glue or just drunk?
Your posts have ceased to make any sense.

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 25/12/2019 00:09

Wolfiefan
no fortunately life, but as you seem to know a lot about it, are you?

OP posts:
NoCleanClothes · 25/12/2019 00:10

It would never occur to me that a card would be that important to anyone to be honest. What you did as a lovely gesture and I'd hope they'd repay that by being good friends; being there for you, doing something nice for you one day etc.

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 25/12/2019 00:15

Nocleanclorhes
Thank you I was asking for a reasonable response and you did,

OP posts:
1066vegan · 25/12/2019 00:30

I guess, from your last update, that by a "reasonable response" you mean somebody who totally agrees with you.

Fwiw, I think it's a shame that they didn't send you a card if they have sent cards to other people. That would be hurtful.

But I don't think you should have given them the tree when you had agreed that you weren't doing presents. I know you were trying to be kind and do a thoughtful thing, and I understand that you weren't giving to receive, but you completely failed to see things from their point of view.

I've been on the other end of this a couple of times. It makes the recipient feel very awkward and uncomfortable to be given a present when it's been agreed not to do presents, they've stuck to their side and they don't have anything to give in return. For the giver to say that they didn't want anything in return doesn't help.

Original poster
Lazyafternoons · 25/12/2019 00:38

1066vegan

Fair point thank you, I realise that now and will not be repeating, I do appreciate your advice, thank you.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 25/12/2019 00:56

Your post was basically 'AIBU to be upset by this?'

People said you were then you said you only want to hear from people that agree with you. What's the point in that?

If she'd have just sent a generic card, would you have still been annoyed?

DuchessofWoke · 25/12/2019 02:16

I think your gift was patronising and rather Lady Bountiful. “Just wanted you to experience the smell of the real thing”!

I would feel hugely condescended to. Not everyone who has an artificial tree does it because they can’t afford the real thing.

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