To be hurt they haven’t said anything?

[VeeJayBee]

I had my first miscarriage on Thursday last week, it’s still going on. Thursday was one of the worst days of my life. My DH told his mother on Friday morning on the phone and I’ve seen her twice since then. Not once did she ask me if I’m ok or send me a little text to tell me she’s thinking of me or anything. We saw his brother and sister on Saturday too and mentioned it to them and neither his brother’s wife or his sister has contacted me either to see how I’m doing. His mother is usually very excitable and hyper and was her usual self when I saw her, no different. AIBU to feel hurt by their lack of compassion? My husband has no answer when I ask him why they’re like this and for context, they’re always putting out there how family is everything and we only need each other but i have mostly seen from them a lot of selfish behaviour over the years and feel they’re all very surface with each other, anything real is avoided. But surely her son and his wife losing their baby is cause for a little compassion?? Two days after my miscarriage started I was out buying her Christmas presents from her to my two year old! And she boasted she’s done no Christmas shopping because everyone’s done it for her (she’s retired, young, fit and healthy - goes to the gym every day). Help!

You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt. I very sorry for your loss ❤️ having had 2 miscarriages this year and feeling completely let down by family and friends almost ignoring what's happened and actively avoiding asking how me and my husband are, I understand how you feel.

I read something recently that people fear other people's grief so don't mention it for fear of upsetting you, but when you're grieving it's actually comforting for someone to talk about your loss. I've had really good support from women on these boards.

Hope you are able to take time to rest and look after yourself xxx

Aw. So sorry op. I was utterly devastated and confused after my miscarriage. I hope you find some peace soon. I found women ( in their late 60's /70's now) kind of devoid of sympathy around it. They didn't have such early tests and were pregnant so much younger than me. They couldn't relate. My mum, eventually seeing my distress was at least kind and urged me to go back to the docs, but even then I felt she was a little nonplussed. I presume your elders are younger than that now? So I don't know their deal but some people won't mention difficult subjects if you seem ok.

It’s not even asking about the mc it’s asking how you are, a hug/a kind word a hand on your arm just so you know you’re being thought of during a horrible upsetting time.
I do find it really hard to find the words sometimes but I wouldn’t just say nothing because it’s easier for me, especially if it was happening to someone close to me.

So sorry this has happened to you OP, take care of yourself and I hope your dh is too

I’m sorry OP.
Sometimes it’s hard to understand people and how they act. I can’t imagine not giving my DIL a gentle hug or asking how she was in such circumstances.

Were you very early in your pregnancy? Some people are very pragmatic surround early loss and don’t seem to think that the woman still ( obviously ) is devastated and needs support.

I’m so sorry for your loss, this also happened to me one Christmas though it was many years ago. I actually had a good friend dump me over it, she was actually quite compassionate in the immediate aftermath but got PG soon after and I think she saw me as bad luck or some rubbish. It really hurt me.

I actually wish I had said some stuff at the time but I didn’t. People are scared of grief.

Please rest though. Time will ease the pain but allow yourself to feel your feelings and don’t suppress them just to give allowances to others.