Is it more work to host or to visit?

[longdistanceclaraaa]

I have a five week old and an almost two year old. DH's parents and brother are coming for Christmas day and my mum and sisters are coming on boxing day.

DH's brother and parents then want to have us round on separate days during new year week. His brother lives half an hour away and his parents live an hour away. We would like to go to his brother's but not both. His parents will also be at his brother's. His parents are not happy as they would like us and their grandchildren to visit over the festive period.

My thoughts- while in general it's nice and preferable to both visit and be visited, in current circumstances where we still have a proper newborn (we're still at the early stage of health visitors etc) we're hosting them on Christmas day and willing to travel to see them at his brother's the following week, along with DH only having limited time off work, that we should otherwise be left to our own devices.

My family, by contrast, are very much live and let live and are happy with boxing day.

His parents are retired, mid-70s, in decent enough health for their age but at the same time tend to make a fuss about health e.g. a slight cold becomes a huge deal, whereas both my family and me tend to take illness a bit more in our stride. To be fair though, they generally seem happy to travel to us, but at the same time talk a lot about not seeing us as often as they would like but often having social engagements that mean they can't see us anyway- all of this is not directly relevant but providing it as background info.

Given my family's relaxed attitude to this kind of stuff, I'm not always sure if I'm too harsh on my in-laws or if they expect too much.

AIBU?

With a two year old I found visits to non child proofed houses exhausting. I obviously brought stuff to entertain them but both of mine would much rather roam the house banging into things and opening cupboards/potentially breaking things and needed to be hovered over every second. At home things were set up so they couldn't cause too much damage. Adding a newborn into the mix and the need to feed and all the paraphernalia you'd have to bring I think it's fine to have them visit you and leave it at that!

So you are seeing ils twice over christmas, including hosting them on christmas day? That's plenty!

Phew thanks. That's all exactly what I think, albeit I also hadn't considered all of the feeding stuff we'd have to take.
Thanks for the reality check.

My husband feels exactly the same as me FWIW

Much harder to visit.

Try doing both like I've managed to fuck myself over into doing. We are visiting BIL's for Xmas but somehow also hosting FIL and MIL at ours the day after (who will also be at BIL's!!!). So driving for an hour, overnight stay (shit sleep, have to pack all the friggin kids clothes, gifts etc etc) then back to ours not even 24 hours later.

Feck

You are hosting them on Christmas day, why do you have to visit to see them again so soon after ?
They are being very unreasonable.

I like hosting better. I don't make a difficult menu, just a really good type of meat that goes in the oven, baked potatoes and two types of veg , starter is a prawn cocktail (takes 2 minutes to assemble) and dessert is scooping ice cream out of a bucket without any posh stuff because that is what the kids like. Every time I don't like the conversation I can go do something in the kitchen. It's much more relaxed than having to visit and be fun and chatty the whole time.

I wouldn't be arsed doing either with a 5 week old and toddler to be honest and fair play to you for hosting on the 25th and 26th. After that anyone is very unreasonable to expect more and not give you both your own space.

Hosting is so much better. Better food. Better beds.

YADNBU! Visiting other people’s houses with toddlers can be difficult enough unless they are fully baby-proofed. Add in to that all the Christmas decorations that the children will inevitably want to touch you’ll spend all day worrying that they are going to break something.

You’re hosting them on Christmas Day so if it were me I wouldn’t even bother going to BILs but if you’re happy to do that then no problem. No way would I add in a third day with them at what is a busy time of year anyway and with limited time off you need time to relax too!
Plus I always find children need some ‘down time’ during the festive period or it’s all just too over exciting and over stimulating for them to cope with.

Is there any particular reason MIL really wants you to go? Has she perhaps got some decorations up she’s done especially for the children or something? Or do you normally visit her and maybe she’s struggling with not being the host of she’s always enjoyed making Christmas special for her children when they were small and this is a sort of realisation that those years are over perhaps? (Clutching at straws!)