Aibu to be getting creeped out by MIL

[Sillyscrabblegames]

I've posted before about my mil using me as a diary secretary and communicating through me with her son my dh and the kids. I've managed to wriggle out of that habit which I found really stifling by referring everything to dh and she has stopped chasing me now. But we have a new thing.

My mil is now writing me letters and messaging me every week about her issues. All the communication is with me, she makes zero effort to contact her son or grand children, and the content of these messages is about her outings and visits with other family members. So for example she will send me a long message or even a letter one day about an issue she has or an issue family members on dh side have, and then the next day another message or letter will follow explaining how a family member has resolved it for her and her feelings on this and how we don't need to get involved.

I really don't get what this is all about but I know it's weird and frankly it's annoying me. I feel like she is clumsily using me in some odd attention seeking behaviour. Am I missing something. Is this a secret mil thing I was unaware of.

[knowsmorethansnow]

I think she us trying to build a friendly relationship with you. It's not creepy.

[MiniGuinness]

My DH’s Nan used to tell me everything; things that did not concern me, or things I could do nothing about, and it was all a bit much.... until I realised she just needed to tell a neutral party, we actually became really close after a while because she could talk to me about anything.

[HoppingPavlova]

Do not reply. Just bin the letters without opening and delete the messages. I repeat do not reply. When you do meet up just change the subject to something neutral if she brings up any life dramas.

[itgetshardereveryday]

She just wants to have a relationship with you. You're married to her son ffs.

[WatchingTheMoon]

I don't understand what's creepy about sending messages about her life?

She's your family, not some random.

[Bluerussian]

MiniGuinness Tue 24-Dec-19 03:19:01
My DH’s Nan used to tell me everything; things that did not concern me, or things I could do nothing about, and it was all a bit much.... until I realised she just needed to tell a neutral party, we actually became really close after a while because she could talk to me about anything.
......
That's a very kind post, Mini and I hope the op reads it because it's insightful.

It's such a delicate situation really, if the op told her mother in law how she feels about the constant messaging etc, mum would probably be really hurt.

I've not been in that position but a long time ago a couple of people kept sending me emails - all sorts of stuff, poems, pictures as well as info about their family life, etc - one even constantly emailed me to ask if I'd received their last message because I hadn't responded(like -yesterday).

I found it all a bit much and told them to please stop emailing me so
often about nothing, I didn't actually use those words, tried to be tactful. They weren't even great friends, just acquaintances I'd met on a forum like this! I can assure you they were really hurt - one actually denied she did that and she was the worst offender. You can imagine I felt rotten about it.

What I'm saying in a long winded way is you really cannot do that to your mum in law. Just respond less often, she knows you're busy, but she must really think a lot of you.

[MiniGuinness]

Thank you Bluerussian took me years to realise what was happening because at first it felt really weird (especially in my ‘don’t talk’ family) but I am really honoured she trusted me to tell me stuff. I miss her.

[Caledoniahasmyheartforever]

I think it’s sad that you find this ‘creepy’, if your MIL is using say instant messaging to reach out to you. It seems she just wants a connection of some sort, it’s sweet really and could indicate loneliness.

I’m no contact with my MIL - she hates me with a passion (But she has hated every girlfriend and woman my dh ever brought home to meet her) jand she repeatedly tried to destroy my marriage (whilst being emotionally and psychologically abusive to my dh).

I would have loved it if MIL had not only accepted me but trusted me enough to give me the role of being her confidant!

[Saracen]

She likes you and wants to tell you things.

Just read the messages quickly to check if there is anything major going on which you need to respond to (for instance, you wouldn't want to risk overlooking a cancer diagnosis because it got lost amongst the other stuff).

For all the minor stuff you don't want to get involved with, send her a brief sympathetic acknowledgement just as you have been doing. You aren't being asked to listen in person or on the phone, so it isn't as if this is taking up a huge amount of your time. I think this is a case where you can make a big difference to a relative at very little trouble to yourself.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as if she has no one to talk to. It isn’t your problem so you shouldn’t make it yours. I think MiniGuiness has dealt with her nanil superbly and that would be the way forward for me.

[Bluerussian]

MiniGuiness
Thank you Bluerussian took me years to realise what was happening because at first it felt really weird (especially in my ‘don’t talk’ family) but I am really honoured she trusted me to tell me stuff. I miss her.
..........
Bless you to bits!
Hope U have a very happy Christmas and that the new year is good for you and yours.

[Prevegen4U]

If anything is creepy it's many of the comments here. Example;

Block her.
Bin the letters.
Forward them to your husband.
Don't respond.

It is not "constant" messaging. The OP said her mother-in-law writes or messages every week - not every day, throughout the day. The poor woman must have mistakenly mistook the OP as someone she could confide in and be friends with.

[Dutch1e]

I would be a bit uncomfortable hearing about her relationship with her daughter, unless whatever she's chatting about is general family knowledge.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

Only you can tell if it still feels peculiar and more then loneliness. I think as you get older finding people who can really listen gets harder. If once you’ve allowed for kind explanations and you’re still finding it ‘peculiar’, it could be worth a GP view on early stage dementia??basing this solely on your use of the word ‘peculiar’.

[JolieOBrien]

@Sillyscrabblegames

She sounds like she is trying to be friendly to me. Do you dislike her for some reason?

[blackcat86]

It is attention seeking behaviour but seems to be considered quite normal for some and almost a necessity for women in MILs family. None of the women in DHs family work (except me) and spend their days bickering and bitching about each other about things that I really dont see as an issue. Just be careful to remain neutral as she may pass on things you've said to involve you. MIL would tell me intimate details of her DNs marriage problems and how her SIL was trying to get involved. I could say something innocuous about how SIL should probably leave DN and he DH to it and this would immediately be said back to SIL and DN as well "blackcat said". I dont think it was malicious as much as her wanting me to be part of the group so to speak but it made me really uncomfortable and perpetuated the issues. Me and DH made a decision to pull back a bit on socialising with PIL and both parties have developed friendship of their own

[Waterlily126]

It sounds to me like 1) she is a bit lonely 2) she has enough time to write these messages and 3) yes it could be a sign of slight mental health issues or early dementia. Or not. She could be simply trying to be friendly! Don't be unkind, don't block her but just let her know that you don't always have time to reply. Does she live far away?

[ElbasAbsentPenis]

She sounds unhinged.

[ElbasAbsentPenis]

MN is so funny sometimes: people are told to LTB because of an insufficiently thoughtful Mother’s Day gift, but with genuinely odd and uncomfortable-making behaviour like this half the posters believe OP should indulge it because the MIL might be lonely. Manipulative people are often lonely!

[Babybel90]

Op I agree with you, it is odd, especially the letters and it sounds like she’s trying to drag you into things that don’t concern you. I don’t think there’s a way to stop it without hurting her feelings though so I’d probably just ignore and hope it tails off.

[WatchingTheMoon]

"MN is so funny sometimes: people are told to LTB because of an insufficiently thoughtful Mother’s Day gift, but with genuinely odd and uncomfortable-making behaviour like this half the posters believe OP should indulge it because the MIL might be lonely. Manipulative people are often lonely!"

Yes, it's almost as though there are different people with a range of opinions on here.

[beautifulstranger101]

Yeah, its weird as heck.
I'd jus ignore them, if you reply even a little, she will take that as encouragement to carry on.
Its very hard to have a conversation with yourself so just ignore every single one.

[TheVanguardSix]

I get where you're coming from, OP. To be honest, I wouldn't like this. It has the potential to become very draining. And that's the issue you have: This could turn into a rather draining relationship. And this is your MIL so you want to have a good relationship without feeling weighed down by what could become her relentless neediness. It's nice that she's reaching out to you and obviously, she thinks a great deal of you. That's so lovely. But you'll need to gently draw lines in the sand so that you're not inundated by every little minuscule issue in her life. My worry is that she might be a drama chaser and that this is her way of slowly bringing you into her fold. Is she a rather demanding person? Maybe she's lonely because everyone has put up a fence to protect themselves. What's your DH, her son, make of it all? And what's his relationship with her like?
Just don't reply to all messages/letters and to the ones you do reply to, don't reply too quickly. Keep it warm and friendly, but brief. Arm' s distance.

[rookiemere]

I'd hate it. It sounds like she has few friends, I do wonder why. What age is she ? I'd advise a kind approach if she's 80, not so much if she's 60.

[IdiotInDisguise]

She is only treating you as if you were close family.