To send food?

[Beansprout30]

A friend has just lost a very close family member and I want to do something to help, she has young kids and I’m worried she will have a lot to deal with especially this time of year, Wibu to send her a grocery order?! Stupid idea or do you think it would be a help? I’m thinking ready meals and easy to make foods?

Yeah I think it's a kind thing to do. I might ask her first though or ask if there's something you could do to help? Maybe a whole grocery order might be a bit too much, you could cook her a lasagne or something?

It’s a lovely gesture. I’m from a catholic family and after a death, when the body is brought home, it’s not usual for neighbours and friends to cook large batches of things for the family. Particularly when the kitchen of the house can’t be used. It’s a lovely community effort

Maybe not lasagne. Recently bereaved friend said every woman in a five mile vicinity delivered lasagne, well-meant but it all got a bit much.

Lasagne type thing would be better. Someone left me an amazing veg lasagne on the doorstep when I’d had a miscarriage and it was the best.

A whole shop could be a hassle.

Lovely thought. Maybe some biscuits, treats for the kids, a few ready meals.

I think it’s a lovely idea but I wouldn’t send a whole grocery shop. I would ask what she would find most helpful.

I would send a COOK order of nice frozen ready meals. Pick half a dozen things you think she'll like and she can then eat them whenever she needs food that takes absolutely zero effort.

Lovely idea. The only issue would be if she can't store it in the fridge or freezer. Very kind thought though x

It would definitely make things easier for her. You sound like a lovely friend. In our Muslim families, after a death friends always send meals for the first three days. It just takes some of the pressure off the grieving family.

From personal experience: wait a month or two, that's when the initial support dropped off and people expected me to be able to cope, yet this was when the shock had given way to the deep grip of grief - I had dealt with the immediate arrangements because I had to, after that was when I really needed help. Also you might want to ask first (dietary requirements /likes and dislikes).

And a couple of unsolicited tips -
Don't say "let me know if there is anything I can do" that puts the onus (and pressure) on your friend to ask {and it only took 2 "it's not convenient"s for me to quit asking anyone, too many people said it only because they thought they should}, Instead offer something more specific, if you're local you can say you're going grocery shopping on Tues, would they like to join /do they want anything picking up? You're in town for an appointment would they like to join you for coffee?

If you're further away, you could offer for them to stay at yours for a weekend, a spa day together, or a Haven caravan for a short break away from everything. Make the offer specific (the Xth, Yst or Znd of month) so they know it's a genuine offer.
Don't be upset/offended if they refuse though, it took me about 18 months to be willing to leave the house for anything other than what was immediately necessary. Keep asking, it's nice to know you're still welcome/wanted.

Don't ask "are you OK?" or "how are you feeling?" - I have a scar from actually biting my bottom lip to stop myself from screaming "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M FEELING?" how I was feeling was overwhelming, and while I knew the question was from genuine concern, it felt like they were stabbing me every time I was asked the question
Try something like "how's today going?"
One friend text me a photo of a dinosaur (in-joke) every single day: drawn on a post-it in pencil, in condensation on a mirror, in the frost on a car windscreen, a toy in the shop - it was a no-pressure way of letting me know she was thinking of me, and it made me smile, just a little, when not much else did. I had a photobook printed of those pictures and I treasure it more than I can really explain

If your friend does talk about their loved one, let them, even if it seems to be upsetting them, they may need to 'bleed off' the grief

Umm that's a bit of an essay, sorry

If you are nearby the best and most helpful thing would probably be to take the kids out for a bit, or to offer to help with tidying or sorting paperwork.

Fros has great advice. When I was knocked sideways by two very very very close family bereavements, members of a FB group I'm on ordered me a batch of ready made meals that were in accordance with my dietary needs. I wouldn't have consumed anything remotely healthy were it not for them.

This was a surprise, but a great help. I can't even remember if this was before or after the funeral.

Giving specific offers is essential. It's too much for a person deep in the shock of fresh grief to make use of vague promises of 'anything I can do to help, just tell me.

OP, thanks for your thoughtfulness.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’ve messaged her and can tell by her reply she is understandably, not good, I will keep checking in on her