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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would feel about this

16 replies

Armadilloboss · 23/12/2019 21:50

Apologies in advance for the intimate detail. DH is a lovely man. He would never intentionally hurt me. But the other night he had had quite a bit to drink. I was in bed and he came to bed a few hours after me and woke me up to have sex.
He was fairly rough with me (which is out of character for him) and when I said ow he told me to shut up.
I have brought it up the next day and he is really upset with himself and very apologetic. But I am still feeling quite strange about it.
What would you think if you were in my position?

OP posts:

Thestrangestthing · 23/12/2019 21:52

If dp told me to shut up in bed when I told him he was hurting me, I would probably whack him over the head with the nearest large object, and pack his bags.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 21:54

I would think I need to leave him because I'm not physically safe with him. Take this really seriously. He is not a lovely man and he has physically hurt you.

windycuntryside · 23/12/2019 21:55

Sounds like you need and want to talk it over with him more? He should respect that. It’s really difficult to gauge but you know what your limits are and it sounds like he ignored the norm. Alcohol is not an excuse IMO. He owes you an explanation, reassurance and acceptance that you are feeling hurt by his actions. A

Milsplus3 · 23/12/2019 21:56

I wouldn’t be happy with this. If he can behave like that after a drink I wouldn’t like to think what it could lead to. If you let him get away with it he’ll think he can do it again and again if he chooses to. It’s your choice what you do from here but I would be making it known I’m disgusted by his actions and consider leaving him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2019 21:58

He would never intentionally hurt me

But yet he did. The alcohol is no excuse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2019 22:14

I assume he will never drink again. Because him hurting you and telling you to shut up when you object is really really scary. And only a very extreme self-inventory and change would be enough to preserve the chance of a relationship.

Are you absolutely sure there haven't been any red flags you've been ignoring?

WaggleWiggle · 23/12/2019 22:16

Did he carry on doing the exact same thing that was hurting after you said it or stop immediately?

If he understood that it hurt you and dismissed that by telling you to shut up and just carrying on them I’d find it unforgivable, tbh.

I could be - and hope I am - a million billion miles off the truth for your situation but it’s not unknown for women to have no idea that their partners have violent side and that’s what would worry me here: that being drunk meant he had less control over the side of himself that he doesn’t let you see.

Original poster

Armadilloboss · 23/12/2019 22:19

@mrsterrypratchett no, no red flags at all. We’ve been together 10 years and he’s never so much as raised his voice to me.
It was a shame because we had had such a nice day and evening, he just took the drinking too far. He’s been a write off yesterday and today.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 23/12/2019 22:43

Sweetheart, he did hurt you. And when you told him to stop, he didn't. That is not okay.

He needs to know how serious this is, and I think you need to take it seriously too. What you do next depends: does he often get drunk, for example? How can he make sure that he doesn't act like this again? Don't let this be the first step in a slippery slope to a very different kind of relationship.

Khione · 23/12/2019 22:44

he just took the drinking too far. He’s been a write off yesterday and today.

And whilst he was doing this I suspect he was watching rough porn - and came to bed feeling deprived and wanting some

Hope I'm wrong

SaveTheTreesPlease · 23/12/2019 23:15

I’m sorry OP Unfortunately there’s always a first time for abusive behaviour, even after 10 years. Personally I’d stay with a friend/family for a few days, both to give myself space to think and to let him know how serious this was. Is this an option for you?

SaveTheTreesPlease · 23/12/2019 23:17

And as Khione says, violent porn would be my first suspicion too. Grim.

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 23/12/2019 23:45

I'd struggle to get past that knowing that was in him tbh.

lisag1969 · 24/12/2019 00:04

Make sure you tell him to limit his drinking and you never what to experience that behaviour again. X

Raspberrytruffle · 24/12/2019 00:22

If my dh hurt me dtd and then told me to shut up he would be out sleeping on the sofa so fast, I'd certainly not let him continue having sex with me especially someone that is willing to hurt me and have zero respect. I'm sick of men blaming the drink what a load of bollocks drink merely let's the real person out.

TheSandman · 24/12/2019 01:49

drink merely let's the real person out.

In no way wanting to condone the OP husband's behaviour but saying drink lets the real person out is just plain wrong. Alcohol lowers inhibitions that's true, but it also clouds the judgement. Drink makes people do stupid things. It makes you stupid. People make stupid mistakes when drunk. They are incapable of rational thought. Incapable of doing skilled work. Would you let a surgeon operate on you if they were drunk. Or get in a plane with a pissed pilot? The real them holding the scalpel or at the control stick? Of course you wouldn't (unless you were pissed too).

I am an alcoholic. Saying drink lets 'the real me out' is saying that I CAN only really be me when I'm drunk. Saying that people are only 'real' when they're pissed is just plain daft.

The OP's husband behaved like a drunk person. Wrongly. Stupidly.

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