Why was I not invited?

[Greggers2017]

Partner and 3 of his mates have been out day drinking in another city today then back to the pub in the village they grew up together. One of the friends now lives abroad, so they only see each other about 4 times a year. I didn't have a problem with this due to that factor.

Only to find out about an hour ago that one of their partners is also there.
Why wasn't I asked if I wanted to go? I am always looking after the kids very rarely go out, but I didn't mind at all today due to these all being special, life long friends. I want to go and have fun, my partner knows this but still didn't think to invite me for a drink.
AIBU to be pissed off that I wasn't asked?

If she's been hanging around all day then she probably was impossible to get rid of for the evening. If that was the criteria to be invited or able to join them this evening then I'd say you had it lucky

It really is more likely that this woman is a whiny Klingon who muscled her way in to the old pals reunion, than that your own partner deliberately left you out of it. Some people simply won't let a partner out of their sight, and it tends to screw up friendship groups as no one else wants the partner there but no one quite wants to say to the under-the-thumb friend: must you keep bringing this muppet everywhere?
(And no, the partner will never be a lovely new friend to the rest of the group, because someone who muscles in on everything as they can't be apart from their sweetheart is childish, controlling and generally shitty company.)

Maybe he didnt know she would be there until she turned up. I presume by then it would have been difficult for you to go

Don't assume the worst. She probably wasn't invited either and your dh found himself in an awkward situation. I doubt four best friends on a rare evening out together would really want a partner there.

It really is more likely that this woman is a whiny Klingon who muscled her way in to the old pals reunion, than that your own partner deliberately left you out of it.

Yep. I doubt very much that your partner expected her to be there. I imagine that he and the other two are pretty pissed off.

She’s keeping an eye on them probably - at least you won’t have to be around a load of pissed up men. No thanks.
Arrange baby sitting and book a restaurant and cinema and both go out - doesn’t have to be up to him to arrange.

I agree with other posters, she most likely wasn't specifically invited and is probably there on 'sufferance'. She either invited herself or they're one of 'those couples' who are joined at the hip and do nothing without the other and the rest of the guys just accept her presence. Personally, I can think of 1000 I'd rather do than tag along with my DH and his friends on a 'day out'.

Are all the children his? Since you call him DP I assume you aren't married, but do you actually live together? Both of these things can massively change the dynamics (and the opinions) in your situation.

She probably invited herself and none of them really want her there.

Two of the kids are nine, one his and one together abd yes we live together.

There's different issues here.

It's perfectly OK for him to want to go out with his mates without you as having his partner there changes the experience for him. He had to make sure you're OK, you're having fun, you're not excluded by alll the old stories and short hands and jokes etc. Do you know how he feels about thegf being there?

It's fine not to share finances, we don't and we have three kids together however the split is worked so that we both have spare money. Have you altered what you pay for given how little money you're receiving from SMP? Is he paying shares of any child are costs esp once you're back at work?

Make plans with friends and go out. Coffee, movie, dinner, whatever. It doesn't have to be an all day drinking session. But make sure it isn't always you stuck at home with 4 kids, resentful becaise he isn't taking you out. You're entitled to a life too.

If you have access to childcare, tell him you want to go out on X night to Y. Yes it would be lovely if he surprised you and sorted it all etc but if thst isn't going to happen, it doesn't mean you have to sit at home like poor Cinderella be ause no one has asked you to the ball

Why are you asking complete strangers and not your dp?

Thank you for your replies. We have spoken this morning about it. He was pissed off gus mate brought his girlfriend as it completely changed the dynamics. It wasn't a couples night which they do sometimes and the others were annoyed.

We are going out New Year's Eve together now as my parents are having the kids.

The reason I posted on here was to vent as I was fed up and wanted to get opinions before I messaged DP.

We were right! Most of us anyway.

I'm glad you talked it out. That's the most important thing. And that you've made plans for NY. But with 4 DC I think you need to try and get a little time with your own friends too.

And it's as we thought. Aren't you glad you aren't 'that one' who always has to tag along? I'm glad I'm not.

Apparently she dropped them off at the pub and her partner asked her if she wanted to stay in front of the other 3 note really giving them a choice to say anything.

@Greggers2017 maybe she tagged along last minute and her partner couldn't bring himself to say no?

She drove them and he asked her in front of the others without asking if they were ok with it: kind of put them on the spot a bit x

DH had a friend whose wife was like that. She would already declared that he wasn't going without her and would have told him to ask her in front of the friends. She was something. Never let her DH out of her sight. Not because she didn't trust his fidelity. She didn't want him alone with his mates because she knew they'd all be telling him to leave her and her emotionally abusive ways. She would have been right, they would have.

She eventually isolated him from everyone who loved him. As far as she's concerned it's 'mission accomplished'.

He's behaving like a child and treating you like a parent i.e. he's out with his mates and the parent/responsible adult will do the responsible things at home. Is he generally like this? If not then deep breath and press on. If so then he doesn't sound like the right kind of bloke to me

Apparently she dropped them off at the pub and her partner asked her if she wanted to stay in front of the other 3 note really giving them a choice to say anything.

Sounds like he's treating her like an equal partner in his life 👍

@CarolinaPink he didn't do much wrong at all. He was on a day out drinking with his mates, one who lived abroad. He only comes back a couple of times a year. It was a boys day out. The annoying thing was he partner inviting her without asking the others.
It has nothing to do with her being an equal partner in life. They can go out together at any time.

All the other mates have been saying how pissed off they were that she was there as it completely changed the dynamics of the evening x

@YouretheChristmasCarcass that's exactly the same scenario in this case. They were all set to go on the train and she insisted on taking them on her car, which is how it all started 🙄

Did you not say in your original post that you would have gone if he'd asked you.

Perhaps he enjoys her company to his other mates.

Sounds like he's treating her like an equal partner in his life

Far from it, he is inviting a gf to a boys reunion, changing the dynamic and pissing off his friends. Either one of the couple is controlling or the pair of them are so self obsessed they have no idea about reading normal social cues. She wasn't wanted there, it was not a couples day out.