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AIBU?

Annoyed at not being introduced to my dad's long term girlfriend

17 replies

Yellow1c · 23/12/2019 16:02

My dad started dating someone new two weeks after my mother died. The way he introduced the fact he had a new girlfriend was "I have a new girlfriend and if you can't be happy for me then you're going to lose your dad as well" (it honestly seems ridiculous to even type that but it is genuinely word for word what he said to me). I was 23 when my mother died and my brother was 19.

There was a bit of bad blood between us, namely because I for around 3 months almost refused to speak to my dad after the aforementioned comment. During this time she suggested to my dad that I had emailed her colleagues (which I had not done). She has plenty to say about my brother and I and I've overseen messaging in which she spoke about us as if she knew all our personality flaws.

He did not introduce this woman to us for 3 years until, after much pestering (as I felt it was extremely unusual that we hadn't met her) he finally introduced us over a brief lunch (brief being around 90 minutes) about a year ago. He has not made any suggestions about us meeting again.

This weekend my dad casually dropped into conversation that my brother and him had stayed at her house and she had cooked the both of them dinner. I am extremely hurt by this as, surely if you are going to properly introduce your long term girlfriend to your children, you'd do that with them together? After all he said to me and after all I've put up with after my mum died, how can he have been so heartless as to have done that?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset with the way he's dealt with this?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

61 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
18%
You are NOT being unreasonable
82%
TheBouquets · 23/12/2019 16:30

You are not unreasonable to think that your dad meeting a new girl friend two weeks after the loss of your mum was a bit quick to say the .least.
It was definitely not pleasant to say if you don't like the situation you will lose your dad too. That would be enough to get anyone's back up.
To tell you of her existence but not make any introduction for three years is quite strange.
I would assume that you do not live in the same house as dad and brother otherwise you would have noticed that they stayed out all night at the girlfriend's house. That may be why dad treated you and brother differently due to one being in the household and the other not.
As a parent with adult children it is hard to know how to introduce a new person. Could dad just have been clumsy? Could the meal and overnight stay not really be planned and it just developed into that?

misspiggy19 · 23/12/2019 16:32

My dad started dating someone new two weeks after my mother died. The way he introduced the fact he had a new girlfriend was "I have a new girlfriend and if you can't be happy for me then you're going to lose your dad as well"

^Your dad is an arsehole.

misspiggy19 · 23/12/2019 16:32

I guarantee she was already on the scene whilst your mum was alive

XJerseyGirlX · 23/12/2019 16:33

I can see why your upset. Doesnt sound like he is very supportive of you as a father.

PettyContractor · 23/12/2019 16:39

I guarantee she was already on the scene whilst your mum was alive

Probably true, and oddly, if true it makes his behaviour (in preemptively defending the relationship) slightly less unreasonable.

Yellow1c · 23/12/2019 16:44

Thank you so much for backing me up. I find that any time I try to explain how I feel he says things like "you've really hurt me by saying that" or "how do you think that makes me feel?" and turns it round so that even although he has hurt me, I end up being the one who has to apologise. Its like my emotions never matter and i end up questioning whether I was even right to be upset in the first place.

Tomorrow him and my brother are coming around for Christmas and I'm going to have to put on a brave face and pretend like I'm not really upset by his actions. I have learned to just accept what he dishes out as confronting him just makes me feel worse.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 23/12/2019 21:31

Accept what he dishes out? Hell no where is it written in stone you have to tolerate him?

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/12/2019 21:57

Met someone 2w after mum died

Wow that’s quick and I say that after meeting a new partner 9mths after my husband died

Sounds like you dad was seeing her already - was your mums death sudden or lingering like cancer and maybe he had started to grieve

windycuntryside · 23/12/2019 22:02

He was already seeing her.
He is an arrogant man, manipulating conversations to make himself the injured party and divert negative attention away from himself.
I would find it very difficult to put up with this awful behavior.

windycuntryside · 23/12/2019 22:03

I’d distant myself from him. He sounds selfish

MyReadingChallenge · 23/12/2019 22:04

Sorry you are going through this. I lost my mum at a similar age and it’s hard enough to go through that as it is, without that extra dynamic. If she’s the sort of person to falsely accuse you of sending emails, she’s unlikely to be the sort of person you want in your life. Perhaps try to focus on fostering your relationship with your dad without her?

MyReadingChallenge · 23/12/2019 22:08

I understand why people are saying cut him out but I think for those that loose a parent young the other parent then represents so much- childhood, what’s left of the family etc. It is very hard to then chop that part away willingly even if dysfunctional.

WeGoHigher · 23/12/2019 22:12

I'm so sorry.

Your father really is dreadful. Your brother is his back-up now, right?

Are you the Christmas cook in this set-up? After this debacle of a festive meal, I'd be very clear about setting boundaries. They're your boundaries, not theirs.

Or cancel it. I'd understand.

Magpies2forJoy · 23/12/2019 22:16

Don't let him exclude you so that you are clamouring to be invited to her house now, like she's some sort of prize.

Your Dad hasn't shown much respect for your feelings. He sounds like he's going to date who he wants, announce it rather than run it by you. And now he's making you feel left out by inviting one child not the the other.

I would take a step right back from it.

Yellow1c · 24/12/2019 00:11

I really don't think he was seeing her before my mum died - not just because I cant believe he would do that but also because he was her sole caregiver and he literally didn't have the time to have done that. But to start something with someone new two weeks after she died - and to say what he did to me - I was so hurt. He denies now that he said it but i remember every second of the conversation...

He called me tonight and in that conversation I had to literally talk him through step by step why I was upset with what he did this weekend and he said he couldn't understand why I was so upset.

And yes. I'm Christmas cook. Whilst I know I should be able to lay down the law; I've tried this so many times and he really doesn't understand when he is being unreasonable, getting on my nerves or being a downright arse...

Those who are saying I should cut him out...honestly I wish I could sometimes. But he, apart from my brother, is literally the only close family I have and I feel I couldn't really do that. I don't know for sure, but I can't imagine my mum would've been thrilled if I just cut him out but I often feel my life would be easier if I did.

OP posts:
OhCumInMyFaceful · 24/12/2019 00:14

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. Flowers

Your dad sounds like a knob, and how dare the girlfriend make such comments about you.

StinkyWizleteets · 24/12/2019 00:28

Can you add laxative to their meal and just enjoy knowing what’s coming? (Joke for those who don’t read humour)

My dad is kind of similar. He’s an arsehole. I still love him but he’s a dick. None of what’s gone on is your fault. His and his gf’s guilt is not your fault so don’t let them make it your fault. My dad and his partner did this to me for years. I was 12 and they blamed me for their guilt at breaking up my wee family. You’re old enough to stand up for yourself don’t let them make their guilt
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