To try and salvage this Santa related issue for 6yr old dd?

[ClownsandCowboys]

I've cocked up. All Santa presents were wrapped and in the loft. This morning, I was tired hungover and let dd go into the loft to fetch something. She loves the loft it's fully floored, not dangerous. I was with her.

She has now been questioning us as to why there are presents in the loft, why do they say "from Santa" on them etc. She's autistic and very good at spotting detail, and inquisitive.

I feel awful. Is there anything I can do to salvage this? I was thinking of re-wrapping them in different paper, but not sure it will work. Should I just fess up?

I know it's not the end of the world, but life is pretty hard for dd, stressful, anxiety inducing. She loves Christmas and the magic of Santa and the elves. She rally genuinely believes. I feel I've made life just a little bit more shit for her.

@Churchandstate
Not all people with ASD though. And as a PP said- when children begin to question is part of their critical thinking skills developing and it’s not our job as parents to prevent this.

@Isadora2007 of course she'll work it out. If she asked me now, I'd tell her the truth. The problem is that she still firmly believes and I don't think she wants to know.

I worked it out myself and I was fine. We've had an utterly shit year, she has a much harder time than most 7yr Olds, she's often suicidal from her ASD anxiety, because she finds life just too hard and overwhelming. Therefore if she wants this bit of magic I want to preserve it for her.

Isadora2007

I think people can decide quite a broad swathe of what is their job as parents for themselves.

Well you don't think Santa really gets round the whole world in one night, do you? When children get a bit bigger and old enough to understand how it all works, he starts dropping presents off for them a few days early and hiding them and then leaves a note like the postman telling you where he's hidden them.

Omg absolutely crying at nonce pie 😂😂😂😂 and nope, you're never living that one down 😁

OP my son is 9 and also ASD and his best friend has told him Father Christmas isn't real. Due to different relgious/cultural differences, his BF and family don't do the whole FC thing. I asked him what did be believe and he remembered a couple of years ago when I pointed out --the international space station-- Father Christmas on his sleigh on Christmas eve, so said he believes. It maybe his last year and when it's his time to know the turth, I will explain about Saint Nick and how the story of Father Christmas began etc. Hopefully he'll keep up the belief for his younger brother.

I can offer advise for future cockups

“What do you think?”

She will usually have a theory but is afraid for verbalise it as she might get it wrong.

She also most likely heard if you don’t believe Santa is real then he doesn’t bring you gifts. So her anxiety is going into overdrive thinking if those are from Santa and I don’t believe, he’s going to take them back! Good call saying they are from the grandparents.

@clownsandcowboys - I have autistic children too and I feel your pain.

I'm glad your daughter has accepted the grandma tag ploy. My in-laws always write their tags from Santa even though they're giving the children their presents and the children know they are from nana and grandad really. It's just a fun part of Xmas with family.

FWIW my eldest son I am sure (aged 9) does not believe in Santa. The whole thing makes him anxious beyond belief but he's hedging his bets whilst acting out his anxieties. Until he asks, I am not saying anything because if he wanted the truth he absolutely would ask for it.

Dd2 (7.5 also), wholeheartedly believes in father Xmas. She has already made plans to set to her sister's iPad to record him and hold onto her carrot for Rudolph so she knows when he comes - her logic being she will feel him eating the carrot in her hand.

Her twin brother this year had the magic of Christmas totally destroyed by a classmate. We got round it by explaining that st Nicholas was once a real person and he's now known as Father Christmas, Saint Nick, Santa Claus and other names across the world. That his spirit of gift giving has lived on across the centuries. Amazingly he accepted this without questioning further and whenever anyone tries to tell him Santa's not really, he counters with Saint Nicholas was a real person and we now call him a different name.

If you have Netflix there is a lovely film on there called Klaus which shows a lonely man and a postman becoming 'father Christmas'.

I have no advice but I’m howling at nonce pie

Obviously Santa does things the way he wants to and we’re not really supposed to understand why or how - it doesn’t always make sense - if we thought about it rationally how could he deliver presents to millions of children all over the world in one night? It’s magic, and magic doesn’t always make sense.

I think part of the whole Santa experience has to be working out that it's not real. It's often a child's first introduction to critical thinking. But I think once you start keeping the lie going at all costs, it becomes a bit unhealthy.

I fully agree with this. We didn't do the 'Santa is real' thing - we said he's just a character, but lots of people (including adults who ask if you're looking forward to Santa coming!) DO actually believe in him, and it's absolutely not our job to tell them that they are wrong to believe in him - same with any other belief or faith system.

However, I realise that most households do do Santa and I think there's a huge difference between telling tiny ones about Santa and then letting them eventually come to their natural conclusions and saying that no, it isn't real, but it's a nice magical story for little ones; or making up lie upon lie in an attempt to thwart and belittle their developing reasoning skills and insisting until you're blue in the face that he really does exist and the children should feel bad/guilty for questioning his existence. I'll be called crazy for this, but the latter is pretty much the dictionary definition of gaslighting.

if we thought about it rationally how could he deliver presents to millions of children all over the world in one night? It’s magic, and magic doesn’t always make sense.

To be fair, I often think that about the likes of Amazon, when they can deliver things to you almost before you've ordered them. I wonder if Santa pays tax at all....

Well you don't think Santa really gets round the whole world in one night, do you? When children get a bit bigger and old enough to understand how it all works, he starts dropping presents off for them a few days early and hiding them and then leaves a note like the postman telling you where he's hidden them.

He's like the CEO of any enormous global business. He relies on millions of people on minimum-wage to do all of the actual work whilst he puts his feet up and gets all of the credit. Same as Jeff Bezos is never actually the one who brings your packages to your door.

There are terrible fires in Australia and Santa has to go there first, so he has sent some elves to the very special children and they are hiding presents in case he is late. Sometimes parents get a note from an elf saying santa is late and where they have hidden the presents. Your letter hasn't arrived so you didn't know they were there.

Also in Australia Santa's slay is pulled by Kangaroos and they are finding the fires hard to deal with so might need more time.

In the morning you might have 'elf footprints' in the hall (glitter on the feet of a doll and 'walk' the doll down the hall).

FWIW my eldest son I am sure (aged 9) does not believe in Santa. The whole thing makes him anxious beyond belief but he's hedging his bets whilst acting out his anxieties. Until he asks, I am not saying anything because if he wanted the truth he absolutely would ask for it

This is a genuine question: why would you want him to lurk in the hinterland of uncertainty with all of its associated anxiety? Do parents not regularly discuss things that confuse or concern their children with them and try to understand how they think and feel about it?

We didn’t do Santa as being actually real - we played it almost like an interactive fairy tale, so we went through all the traditional motions but with a bit of a wink and a nod. The presents also weren’t actually from Santa, they were from mum and dad/whoever had got them. I think it was just unsaid that the stockings were from Santa.

I agree that it’s probably best not to actually lie once the child is actively questioning the whole thing. I had two very intelligent, inquisitive children and particularly my eldest was quite a clear, critical thinker from an early age. In every other respect I did my best to answer all questions in a clear, honest, frank, age-appropriate way. I would not have felt comfortable lying outright in response to a serious question from them.

I would just gently encourage her to make up her own mind about things - what do you think? What do you believe? Do you need/want to understand this or is it okay to just suspend your disbelief for a little longer?

when it's his time to know the turth, I will explain about Saint Nick and how the story of Father Christmas began etc

You're going to tell a pre-teen that father xmas chucked some coins to three needy prostitutes? Really?

Backboiler, this is correct. Children usually work it out with no trauma. It is ususlly a parent disaster. I dont think its clever to lie to children when they ask. You should tell them as much truth as you can without a massive disclosure but please dont compound the lies, its a really bad example to give children. They are resilient enough to know thy are still getting presents. Too much has been made of this santa story and it has worsened over the last 30 years, year on year. When a child asks a straight question they should be given a straight answer

EvenMoreFuriousVexarion well obviously I'll miss out the prostitute bit and just say people in need 🙄

There is also a time when it is appropriate to have a conversation about belief. Everyone is entitled to believe in something and it doesnt mean necessarily it is a truth but it is real and valid. Religion, life after death, tooth fairies, santa, It isnt wrong to believe, but might be different to someone elses belief ( so here is the infancy of tolerance in our society) I dont think its about truth and lies so much as if you want to believe in something there is a validity. It helps with bereavement wihout confusing their minds with saccharin fantasy

My DD started seeing the holes in the story from about 7 or 8 too. I agree that the gentle reveal to the truth is inevitable anyway and it's an important lesson in discerning fact and fantasy and why this is an acceptable 'untruth' we mostly join in with

My parents used to send their gifts to Santa in the post and he'd deliver them back to us, lol