DH & alcohol

[Magicstars]

Apologies in advance, I think this will be long.
DH & I have been together around 15years. 2 small kids. When we met we were students & both out drinking & partying a lot. We got married fairly young- mid twenties. As we’ve grown up & had kids I’ve changed a lot. Being healthy is important to me & I limit what I eat & drink, kids & home life come first.
DH will at times go out on all night/ weekend long benders. He drinks pretty much every night & uses alcohol to self-medicate/ harm for trauma in his childhood. He is taking meds & sees a counsellor which help but the drinking remains a major issue for us. I hate seeing him in such a state & I am anxious now that the kids are getting bigger, of what they will make & learn if his relationship with alcohol.
He has gained a lot of weight, much of it from booze (around 4 stone) & I’m no longer attracted to him yet wants sex a lot.
He calls me punitive. Says he’ll never change & if he kills himself early from drinking, then so be it. No real regard for the impact his actions have on his children or me. We’ve been through this cycle for years. I have lost hope of him ever changing. Is it ‘ok’ for a middle aged parent to stay up drinking all night? He has a crazy bender approx once every six months. Am I overreacting? Our youngest has a health issue & needs regular A&E visits & overnight stays. DH does not moderate his drinking behaviour in order to care for him. It’s always left to me to take responsibility & I feel unable to relax & leave him in charge.
If I decide to leave him then we’d lose our family home, be broke, kids lives turned upside down.
I don’t know what to do, should I just ‘lighten up’ as he tells me to?
Thanks for reading.

...should say Aibu to think that his drinking is excessive & selfish for a parent?

He is not a good parent or a good husband. He has told you that drinking is his number one priority.

I don't think it is fair on your children to have to live with the fear of what he'll do next, or to have their mother going through this constant stress and worry. He is imposing this on all of you. You have the right to choose a different life for you and the children. The first step is probably to seek support for yourself.

So sorry he is putting you through this.

Sorry you’re going through this, of course YANBU but he is clearly an alcoholic. You should seek support for yourself- Al-Anon would be a good first step as would solo counselling if that’s affordable.

Leave the c*nt. He is a shit partner and a shit father.

I guess you need to weigh up what you (and the children) want and can live with.
I separated from my DH because he wasn’t dealing with his problems and, for me, it wasn’t bearable. For us, it was the kick up the bum he needed (his words) to realise what he was doing (or not doing!) wasn’t worth losing his family. He put in the work, made changes and we got back together.
I spent 18 months weighing up.

Thank you all for your responses & advice. Happy for your good outcome gatehouse. It’s reassuring to know I am not overreacting, as he tells me I am & that basically it’s not my business/ problem if he is a piss head.
I will go to al anon & move forward from there.
I didn’t realise the extent of his problems earlier in life due to us going out partying together. I honestly believed that having a secure family life & children would offer him the stability he needed.

It's up to you to decide what you can and can't live with, of course. You don't mention whether or not your H becomes aggressive when he's drunk (and if he does, then it's much more reasonable for you to want to end the marriage.)
However, a couple of 'big nights' or weekends per year is not, actually, that excessive. You mention your commitment to 'healthy' living, and I wonder if you go on (and on and on) at your H about the virtues of an abstinent, controlled lifestyle - people who think that growing up means you can never have fun or be silly again can actually be quite hard to live with. He could also, not entirely unreasonably, feel that when you met and married, the two of you enjoyed a party lifestyle together and now you are 'boring' and a nag who has no interest in leisure or enjoyment, and who insists that life is all about chores and responsibilities.
Yes, of course people can enjoy themselves without getting drunk, and this man probably does drink too much, but you are coming across as a bit punitive and controlling, and it's clearly not working for either of you.

He is an alcoholic, it is not your fault or your children's fault. The only person who can do anything about it is him.

The children will be affected by living with an unapologetic drunk, more so every year that passes. You may need to cut your losses.

I have and have had alcoholics in my family. It is so shit and ruins their mental health. They self medicate with alcohol which makes them worse, so they drink more, which makes then worse...you get the picture. All three of the alcoholics in my family were suicidal at one point and I've been reading up about it and how common this is among alcoholics. It's an awful addiction and I feel so sorry for anyone affected by it l, but yanbu. This is too much. Really hope AA helps. It is great.

In my view the equation with booze is very simple. If your partner’s drinking is intolerable or upsetting to you then it’s a problem.

People tie themselves up in knots trying to work out whether or not their partner is an alcoholic. It doesn’t matter. It upsets you are ruins your family life and security, therefore you shouldn’t have to put up with it. He knows it makes you unhappy and still chooses to prioritise drinking over his family.

As the child of an alcoholic and as someone who was married to one, I can tell you categorically that your children will be damaged if you stay with him.

I appreciate it isn’t going to be easy, financially or emotionally. But you know what you have to do.

Please get help getting through it. Speak to Al-Anon. It was designed to support people like you. Good luck.

Thanks reanimated. This is what I don’t know- maybe I am unreasonable? I come from a very ‘dry’ & sensible family background and I am not used to Alcohol being an important part of life. I am mindful of being over stressy & this is why I really value a range of perspectives.
DH does only really goes overboard maybe 4 times on average a year. The rest of the time he drinks, but in what is probably a fairly ‘normal’ way. I drink too- but I’m generally able to be moderate & I don’t enjoy being drunk. DH loves to go out partying, meeting randoms & getting absolutely wasted. He doesn’t do this anything like as often as he wants to though. He is never violent. He becomes so drunk that he is unable even to move or speak. He is like a completely different person. Being sick in our home, falling asleep on the loo, getting refused entry to clubs, generally embarrassing himself in front of friends & colleagues.
Most of the time he’s ok- holds down a responsible job, pays the bills, etc...
he insists it’s me with the problem, although he does acknowledge his dependence on booze, he doesn’t see why it upsets me.

Hey I wouldn't want that in my life. It's not fair on you or your children.
If you do give him an ultimatum make sure you stick to it. Good luck

He becomes so drunk that he is unable even to move or speak. He is like a completely different person. Being sick in our home, falling asleep on the loo, getting refused entry to clubs, generally embarrassing himself in front of friends & colleagues.

This really isn't acceptable four times a year imo. I think maybe a one off, where you drink on an empty stomach and end up in this state sort of by accident and then never do it again is understandable. But if he does this four times a year, I personally do find that too much. It's so bad for your heart as well. It's a genuine risk when people get blotto drunk, as they get older. I really think four times a year is actually a bit risky.

If anyone thinks that is OTT, I can tell you that I know someone who died in their fifties as a result of alcohol abuse damaging their heart.

I read in Woman's Health a while ago, that a couple of units in a sitting can actually protect your heart, but anything over that can be damaging to it.

Another thing to look at is: how is his behaviour generally? Does he do anything like his share of domestic work, does he interact with or look after the DC? Is he pleasant company when either a) he isn't drunk or b) you are not discussing his drinking?
If he's no fun to live with , creates more work for you instead of working with you to keep the household running pleasantly and, in fact, contributes nothing but his wage packet, that would be a reason to bin him whether he drinks alcohol or not.

I totally agree about the health issues. Now In my mid thirties I’ve become conscious of the need to eat well, exercise a bit etc... I’m not massively healthy, but I do want to be around for the dc as long as possible. The strange thing is that he lost family members at a young age & is traumatised, but this doesn’t motivate him to be healthy. If anything he is in self destruct mode & sort of expects to die young. I don’t understand it. There have been weekends where he doesn’t sleep at all, just drinks (inc spirits) continually. He doesn’t take care of himself in other ways either. He relies on me to provide healthy meals etc, goes to bed late.
I found my parents’ lives too dull & depressing when I was younger & sought someone who I thought would make life fun & interesting. I got that, but much of it has also caused stress & heartache, as well as worry for the future.

He is ok at home but I do the bulk of the house work. He works more hours than me so i don’t mind that too much (would prefer it to be more equal). I def carry the Mental load though, esp in relation to dc’s health condition.

As a child of a man like this, LTB
My mum tried to shelter my siblings and I when we were younger, but as we got older that was pretty much impossible
He blamed mum for "turning his own kids against him." And drank more to drown his sorrows. He objected to anything that impacted on his drinking - so anything that took time, or cost money. It gradually got worse, even when he finally agreed to cut down on the drinking (not because he had a problem of course, but because it was upsetting her so much) and failed, and agreed and failed again and again.

When mum finally kicked him out, we were better off financially, on her lower wage alone, than when he had been literally pissing it all away. We were better off emotionally because we were no longer walking on eggshells not able to say anything that remotely hinted that his drinking was an issue which he would then use as an excuse to drink and blame us for it. We were better off as a family because we all cared for and helped each other, instead of all of us being drained trying to help a man who cared only about the next drink (and the one after that). I'm not saying it was easy, but it was so much better.

I have multiple memories of one sibling half carrying him home from the pub (because it was siblings fault if he fell in a ditch and died on the way home), being woken up in the early hours to cook him a couple of bacon butties (because he was too drunk to cook and if I didn't it would be my fault if he burned the house down) then leaving him collapsed on the stairs because he was too drunk to make it up the stairs and refused to just sleep on the sofa (because he was feeling amorous and wanted to pester mum even though he was too drunk to actually do anything, and that would also be her fault) and caring more about getting something under him to protect the stairs (as it was highly likely he'd piss himself) than about making sure he was still breathing, and knowing it was important to get a blanket on him, not because anyone worried he'd get cold, but because it slightly lowered the likelihood that he'd piss himself.

Your DP has told you that drinking is more important to him than you and the kids, don't you all deserve better?

If anything he is in self destruct mode & sort of expects to die young. I don’t understand it. There have been weekends where he doesn’t sleep at all, just drinks (inc spirits) continually

Ok...this would have been worrying to me as a student with a lot of friends who seemed to drink quite a bit. This really is worrying op. I think you need to make a clear ultimatum that he needs to seek help for his MH and alcohol abuse or you will have to leave. I really don't think this is normal, even on the heavy side of normal, drinking.

Fros . I am also the daughter of a serious alcoholic. It is grim.

Sounds like you'll stay with him, till one of you dies eventually.

its written in stone that he'll pull you and your kids down with him and all of your lives will be shit till he dies, all because you couldn't leave him.

good luck for the future, you definitely need oceans of it.

It really isn't normal to live like that.

You need to contact Al-Anon, as you've lived so long with this you can't see clearly.

It's horrible for your children and it's no marriage/life for you.

Make 2020 the year you make plans to leave him. He's made his choice, now make yours.

I can’t imagine staying with him & watching him drink himself to death & forcing that on to our children. I don’t know why I’ve stuck around for so long. A warped sense of obligation/ guilt/ hope that he will see what he’s sacrificing & change. We were once great together but now we are awful a lot of the time.
Sometimes I dream that I leave him & I feel such a Weight off my shoulders.
I have to see Christmas through for the DC & I will definitely be making significant changes from there. I don’t yet know how I will do this. At the moment it’s incredibly daunting & sad, but i do know it’s right.

Bells Thanks, I didn't mean to rant quite so much

Magic I should also add that my sibs and I all have/had unhappy relationships with alcohol:
We were all young drinkers
One followed dad into the bottle and currently bemoans the breakdown of their family and limited contact with their own kids, but if you ever mention the similarities will go NC
Another only drinks when on holiday, but the binges are excessive and debt-causing expensive
I used to drink a couple of double whatever-spirit-i-had-available as soon as I got in from work - as I swore it was the only way to relax after work (I've weaned myself off, and never allow myself to have more than 4 units in total - and then no more than twice a year)
The youngest claims to be teetotal, hates alcohol, yet works behind the bar and dates men just like dear old dad.

Thank you for your honesty fros & others. I needed to hear this.
I absolutely refuse to put my dc through this. I think they are still young enough to be blissfully unaware of their dad’s alcoholism. I will not let him hurt them, whatever sacrifices I have to make.

MagicStars.. in your shoes I left. And yes we did lose the family home, but what we gained was so much more.