to feel like I should be better able to adult by now

[Sofabitch]

I'm 8 months in to a separation, pending divorce.

I'm not useless, I have a good job, I'm financially okay, actually earn more than my ex. So never thought i'd feel so vulnerable and crap.

But I was with him since 16, i'm now nearly 40 and I just feel like there are so many things I don't know how to deal with as I just left him to it for so long. last night there was a leak and I just sat and cried. I felt like such an incompetent adult. Finances are tighter with one income, the bills etc are still the same amount. I can afford them , so i don't want to moan, I know people are way worse off. But suddenly a job, that he would have just fixed, becomes expensive and stressful...and why they fuck did I let myself get to 40 being so shittly dependant upon another. I really feel like I can't moan or ask for help as the break up was my idea. So I'm convinced people are just looking at me like its my choice/fault, so I should just suck it up.

Please tell me i'm not the only one to feel like this.

You just have to get used to doing things alone, eventually it will come as second nature to you, you will sort things without thinking.
Everyone would get upset with a leak it's just extra stress good luck x

YouTube is your best friend for this kind of practical stuff and doing things yourself (or understanding what you need to employ someone to do) will boost your confidence. I've been exactly where you are so I speak from experience. There's a YouTube video about practically everything especially stuff like plumbing.

Good advice about you tube!

I think you just need to adjust. 8 months isn’t long considering how long you’ve been together. Give yourself time to get used to things & don’t beat yourself up.

I get how you feel OP. Sometimes when things go wrong you just want another person there to talk to about it or to he there to sort things out together. It doesn't mean you can't do it or you're not coping it's just "a problem shared is a problem halved" type of thing.

All I can suggest is making sure you know the basic essentials when something like a leak happens. How to turn off your water, gas electricity etc. Have a list of emergency contacts ie plumber, electrician, handy man etc. so you know where to go if you need a trades person. Hopefully a mini action plan to instantly call upon will take a little bit of the stress off.

You are doing just fine.

OP everyone feels like this and no, you weren't dependent on him for not knowing how to do x,y,z. We all fall into roles within relationships- he may have dealt with DIY while you did all the laundry for example so he'll have had stuff to learn too. As PPs have said YouTube is your friend here and the first time you do something you didn't know how to do all by yourself, your sense of achievement will be huge!

You Tube - as others have said. Neither me or dh are very practical, but you tube has taught us to fix some things ourselves. (Filling the boiler with water, mending the dishwasher, tiling behind the oven), we still get someone out to fix things more than we would if one of us were properly practical.

I hadn't even thought about you tube, but that makes sense.

Thanks, feeling a bit better now! probably just a crisis point, snd I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

goes to you tube how to sort my life out

If it helps. I'm on my own with my dd age 6. I changed the leaking shower on my own with the help of YouTube.
However when my dopey cat dropped a live frog at my feet as a present I was so over adulting. Dd was at her dads so I couldn't bribe her to take it outside. I wondered how much I'd be ridiculed if I asked a neighbour to get it. 🙄. It took me a while to get it outside 😂. The cat got called some names let me tell you. 😂

Ah that makes me feel better! a frog I could deal with.

I guess its these stupid high expectations we put upon ourselves to be goo at everything.

It takes time, I had a real wobble around 7 months after some disastrous dates. Literally days later I met my now partner and we are plotting a life together, never been happier, well not in 20 years.

But yourself a toolbox for Xmas and gradually add things that are useful like a variety of screwdrivers, hacksaw, joints for pipes etc. Nothing feels more empowering than fixing a pipe spewing water everywhere. I was lucky that my dad taught me the basics before I left home and I will be passing the skills on to my DC's. Good luck, you'll be fine.

One of the hardest things about going from a long term relationship to living as the only adult in a family is not having someone to talk to about the little things, decisions like renewing the house insurance are of no interest to anyone else. MN can be a good place for asking mundane stuff but other single friends often don't mind as long as you return the favour.

So hard to know what is normal. All my friends seem coupled up.

I borrowed a friends husband in the end! Just felt useless!

I have started a little tool kit! I need to go on a decorating mission.

YouTube is your friend. Everything, and I mean even the most obscure things are on there. Tutorials about how to do just about anything at all. And definitely get a small tool kit

This could have been written by me. Met my ex at 16, and he left when I was 42. Even now there are some days I do miss him, but it gets better and easier, I promise.
When my ex left, the boiler needed repressuring and I was in a state and just needed a bath. I had a massive meltdown, just like you. Then googled it. It worked. I had my bath.
3 years or so on, I am much stronger and more confident than I ever would have been if i’d stayed with him, and did things that I never would have thought i’d be capable of- buying and running my own home; including all the small DIY jobs that go with it. TBH probably do them better than he would! You’ll be surprised what you can do when you have to.

Like what? Car maintenance, DIY etc?

Save up and buy yourself a good drill set sometime- it really helps with puttIng furniture together/curtain rails up, etc and feels very empowering!