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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really hurt

26 replies

C0mm0nsense · 23/12/2019 10:20

First time poster here and just need to know aibu and a bit OTT to feel so hurt?

I messaged a couple of school mum friends yesterday about arranging a get together soon. They were both up for it. Then one mentioned they were going for drinks last night if I fancied it. Nice offer so decided to pop along to see them both.

I arrive to find another two mums there, one saying it was a really lovely surprise to see me as she hadn’t expected to as hadn’t seen me on the WhatsApp group chat arranging meeting up but would have picked me up if she’d known (we live close and are friendly too).

For context both original mums (I’d messaged about a meet up) I’m very friendly with. One invited me over for coffee last week and our kids are close friends and have been for a several years now.

So I’m sitting there, everyone is being lovely, good banter but just feeling so incredibly hurt that I’ve not been included on a bigger whatsapp group (other people who couldn’t attend last night had obviously been invited too). Had I not text the first two mums yesterday, I’d have definitely not been invited.

From conversations they were having there was obviously a lot of banter on this WhatsApp group and I feel so alienated. No one mentioned adding me to the group going forward.

There’s been past group get togethers I’ve been invited to but I gather this is a fairly long term thread that I’m not involved in.

I know in the grand scheme of things I should probably get a grip but I’m sitting here this morning questioning what the hell is wrong with me that I’ve not been included. Although I may not sound it from this post, I’m usually a fairly easy going, laidback person and often told I’m really funny (including by several members of this group) who were crying with laughter at some of my silly comments last night. They’re all nice people and I don’t feel there’s anyone in the group has malice towards me so just can’t understand why I’m not part of the bigger picture.

As childish as it sounds, I’d like to be part of the WhatsApp group but obviously it’s going to sound a bit needy and desperate to ask to be added. What do I do and I am being ridiculous to feel so hurt at being excluded?

OP posts:

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 10:23

YANBU it is hurtful. On the other handI think some of these whatsapp groups appear somewhat randomly/organically. For example there may have been a child's party/sports event/other hobby you weren't in on and it evolved into a permanent whatsapp group -no one is really in charge so no one takes the initiative to invite people who have been left out. From the sound of it they do like you and are happy to see you so it's probably not deliberate.

ikeakia · 23/12/2019 10:24

I’d honestly have just said ‘What’s this group then? Sounds like I’m missing out!’ and seen if anyone said about adding me, if they all started shifting in their seats and changed the subject then I’d maybe wonder. It sounds like one of those things where everyone thinks someone else will do it and then no one does rather than you being deliberately missed out as they obviously enjoy your company.

Deedadada · 23/12/2019 10:25

I'd ask the person who invited you to join them for drinks if there is a reason you weren't added. I would be incredibly hurt too
I'm sure there's no malice intended but it would still hurt

puds11 · 23/12/2019 10:26

YANBU however I can tell you from experience the school mums WhatsApp group is a nightmare! I left mine only to be added in to another one they set up

Mishappening · 23/12/2019 10:27

Just say - had a great meet yesterday and I would love to join the whatsapp group.

That seems the obvious thing to do - are you frightened they might say No? I can see no reason why they should. Nothing ventured and all that.

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 10:29

Honestly? They’re school mum mates, not your sisters or childhood friends. If another mum from this group is the admin and you’re not one of her friends, that’s probably why you’re not ‘in’ the group in the way you expected?

TulipsTwoLips · 23/12/2019 10:30

I think you are being a little unreasonable. People form friendship bonds based on a very wide variety of things and you won't be included in all of them. And tbh that is ok.

Iwasneveragoddess · 23/12/2019 10:30

I would just say “Oi, where’s my invite to the WhatsApp group ladies?!”

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 10:31

Honestly? They’re school mum mates, not your sisters or childhood friends.

So? Because they're school gate mums doesn't mean they can't be friends. It always hurts to feel left out whether you happened to meet.

Didkdt · 23/12/2019 10:33

Just ask
Had a great time last night love to be added to the WA so I don't miss the next one

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 10:34

It always hurts to feel left out whether you happened to meet.

I don’t think I would be very hurt if two casual friends happened to be part of a group of other friends and didn’t include me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BloggersBlog · 23/12/2019 10:36

Yanbu but it's easy to overlook who is in the group and who isn't if it's a busy one, or the admin thinks you're in and you're not. Just ask to be added

Original poster

C0mm0nsense · 23/12/2019 10:39

Thanks for all your kind and honest messages. I appreciate I won’t be part of every group and that’s fine, it’s just this is my group of mum friends. Perhaps the person who has set it up I’m not so friendly with (obviously don’t know who that is) so makes sense.

I suppose I’m now just thinking what else am I going to miss out on in future and feel a bit awkward asking to be part of the group, like I’ll seem a bit needy. As I say, they’re a nice group of girls, were all warm and inviting towards me last night but just now left feeling a bit

OP posts:

BlastEndedSkrewt · 23/12/2019 10:42

Maybe it's a simple error - a group of my friends were organising as Christmas meet up a couple of weeks ago & mentioned we should invite one of our friends - everybody thought somebody else was inviting her & it was only the day before when someone asked on the group if she was coming we realised that no-one had actually asked her

BlueCornsihPixie · 23/12/2019 10:42

You have no idea how the WhatsApp group started. It could have been a completely different mum you aren't friends with started it to talk about her son's hockey team or whatever. Something completely irrelevant to you that happens to include women you are friends with

When I was in uni a girl got really upset she had been excluded from a Facebook group we had started to talk about a birthday present for her!

It wasn't necessarily the mum's you are friends with who started it. The friends you met up with obviously didn't see any reason why you have been excluded otherwise they wouldn't have invited you.

I would send a message to whoever you are closest too from last night and explain you were a bit hurt, and asking what it was all about.

Iwasneveragoddess · 23/12/2019 10:43

Op if you are a bit shy maybe that comes across as reserved or stand offish and they were unsure if you wanted to be included?

diddl · 23/12/2019 10:44

When you meet up with the couple you invited out soon ask about it then?

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 10:45

If the admin is someone you’re not friends with, OP, I’d say that explains it pretty well. Honestly, don’t let this get you down.

redsquirrl · 23/12/2019 10:45

It does feel hurtful but from the reactions of people there it seemed like a lot of them probably thought you were in the group. I would just ask someone to add you, you might need to find out who the admin person is if they haven't made everyone admin.

If they won't add you then that's a whole different ball game.

redsquirrl · 23/12/2019 10:47

"I really enjoyed last night, can you add me to the WhatsApp group?" Is fine, that doesn't sound needy.

Palavah · 23/12/2019 10:47

How would the most balanced and self-confident person you know approach this?

I think it's absolutely fine to say - ooh you'd best add me to the group then and I'll look forward to the next meet up. If you feel needy about it it will sound needy.

I'm saying this as someone who has been there - it's tough, and doesn't feel nice.

churchandstate · 23/12/2019 10:48

I’d just say I had a nice time, any chance you could add me to the group?

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2019 10:48

You should have just asked last night to be added. Ask now. I’m sure it’s not deliberate just one of those things that has evolved. They may even think you are on it. People are busy. I inadvertently caused offence once. All girls’ mums from dds primary class except 1 on a group WhatsApp another mum set up. Maybe if I’d set it up I’d have known but I just assumed all on. Put Invite to party on there, girl who wasn’t invited started sending dd nasty messages. I genuinely didn’t exclude her on purpose.

Proudownerofplants · 23/12/2019 10:50

Sounds as though the lady you spoke to assumed you were on the group so it doesn't seem like a deliberate omission.

Probably quite an organic group that has formed as and when someone has had a child- related question and has only incidentally ended up used more socially.

I would ask jokingly when you next see them if you can join. Bit weird if they refuse then or 'keep forgetting' but I wouldn't be terribly hurt for now. Sounded as though you all genuinely got on fine and had a nice time in person.

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2019 10:50

It’s not needy, just ask op. These things form organically, there are slightly different people on my several Nursery whatsapp groups just because they started from a conversation and they were the people around or similar and nobody thought to change it.

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