to believe I'll never rebuild

[SepiaTonedLove]

It's one year since my ex met her, and nearly 8 months since I packed my bags and went nc with him and everyone that connected me to him. I'm living with my parents again after nearly 20 years, on antidepressants after a very close call, working in a job I don't understand and pining, absolutely pining, for the life I had before he fucked it all up. I still cry pretty much every day and, although I'm pushing hard to keep distracted and keep getting up every day, I feel like a car running on fumes that's about to cut out any minute now. How long is this going to take, or will it ever end?

You will get through this. You are strong and capable and worth so much more than any cheating man. And it sounds like you have a good supportive family?
What are you finding the hardest?

Hi, thank you for responding. That's a hard question to answer. The hardest part to deal with is probably the loss, the failure.. I'm really feeling it now, over Christmas 😔 my family are wonderful but I've already leant on them too much and I've certainly overstayed my welcome at my parent's house.

You will lovely. You don't get over a 20 year relationship in 12 months. be kind to yourself as this is a horrible time of year when all is not well in your life. You will get there, I promise and there's a whole new future awaiting you. Get over Christmas as best you can then use the New Year as a new start. All the very best to you.

You're grieving. It feels endless but it's not and you will gradually come out the other side of it.

What are your distractions?

You now have the freedom to do whatever YOU want !

Make a list and start doing some new things, go to some new places, meet new people

Take time to heal
Enjoy some of the simple things in life
Try to eat well
Try to exercise

Your ex is not living an unhappy life, so why should you !

It’s a new year soon so start making plans. It might have been some time since you left but my goodness leaving takes guts and strength and will drain you, so doNt beat yourself up but make some small goals fir the coming weeks.

"for the life I had before he fucked it all up"

You need to realise and accept that other people are not responsible for your happiness, OP.

If your Ex fell for someone else they have every right to move on and live their life how they wish. Sadly, even if that means hurting others along the way.

Sort your shit out. Stop living in the past. Get your life back. Crack on...

I’m so sorry. You are grieving. Some days will be bad, some better, some good. You will get through it, but it’ll be hard as you know.

You can do what you want now. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? I’m sending you so much positivity

I’m in the same boat. I don’t have any words of wisdom but you’re not alone

You showed great courage when you "ripped the plaster off" and made the complete, clean, break. No tolerance for condoning poor behaviour, setting yourself up for years of wondering when it will happening again.
Without wishing the pair of them ill, you can console yourself with the thought that the OW has launched on to her shiny new life knowing that she is with someone who can entertain the possibility of cheating.

Most people do survive losses like yours. Give it time.

Andysbestadventure. What a harsh post.

Op you will feel better. Christmas is tough when something like this had happened. If you feel your meds aren't helping with depression it's worth seeing a GP as they could increase dose/change meds but also why not make the new year a time for some resolutions. What do you want to achieve in 2020?

Don't pine for the life you had, you now know that wasn't what you though it was, at least at the end. You will inevitably remember it as being better than it was anyway, thats what rose tinted specs do.

I assume you have your health
You have a job
A family who have provided support and care for you
You have a great foundation which you can build upon

Some people don't have such a good second/third chance

I left my first marriage voluntarily. I still had moments of utter panic over the life I no longer had. Leaving the familiar is hard, but you now have the chance to build something very authentic and real for yourself. You can pursue your own happiness unburdened by a person who didn’t have your best interests at heart.

Andysbestadventure’s post is harsh but there is some truth at the heart of it. The best post-split advice I found came from Sarah Millican. She went through a divorce and said she wasn’t going to have her partner as her best friend in the future. She may have changed her mind, and I hope she’s happy because her Vienetta /breaking up joke was the first time I laughed after my split.

I’ve taken it to mean don’t allow one person to be the centre of your life. I got together with my ex as a teenager and after 20 years together they were intertwined in every aspect of my life and memories. There was no escape from it. Now I’m looking to build up different areas of my life that will still be there, untouched, if one part of it goes to shit. It’s humbling to end up back at your parents’ house as an adult but I’m trying to take it as a second chance and do better this time when I leave home.

I'm going to add that my 'next chance' has been 1000 times better than my previous lives
But I've put in effort to make changes
Ive lived on my own
I know what I want
I've been lucky too

When my 16-year marriage came to an abrupt end due to ow - I was shell shocked.
Best advice I had was
"you can't change the past but don't let the past ruin your future - that is in your hands"
Take charge of your future - you are stronger than you think.