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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at mother?

27 replies

FedUp788 · 23/12/2019 08:06

So my mother has always been notoriously lazy when she comes to visit us. Even though my parents stay for 2/3 weeks she will never do anything to help me around the house. So no helping to make dinner, washing up, even making a cup of coffee! Me, my husband or dad do everything. Now I'm pregnant and have really bad morning sickness (plus a toddler). My mum made a big deal about whether they should come for Christmas and if it was going to be too much work for me. I said it would be fine as long as everyone pitched in to help out. They arrived this afternoon and so far she has done nothing, as per usual. Even tonight when my husband was cooking dinner and the toddler started crying, he went upstairs to her and my mum watched my drag myself off the sofa (where I'd been lying under a blanket because I'm exhausted) to finish dinner. The thing is she is never going to change, because she's always been like this. Basically I just want to know if anyone else's mother is the same, because all I ever read about is women being best friends with their mums!

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 23/12/2019 08:11

Do you not tell her you need help? Ask her to do something? Some people don’t “do” hints.

strawberry2017 · 23/12/2019 08:12

Call her out on it and stop enabling her to be so lazy! It's not a holiday where she gets waiter service.

Ceejly · 23/12/2019 08:13

My gran became like this after a stroke. Lost all pith. Has she has any health problems?

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 08:14

Stop inviting her
Ask her to do something specific
Use your words op!

Original poster
FedUp788 · 23/12/2019 08:15

I do occasionally ask her for help, but it always involves a lot of her huffing and puffing, dragging herself off the sofa and saying she doesn't know where anything is. Maybe I am being unreasonable, and this is just how mother's are, but even if I go to a friend's house for dinner I always help with the washing up and if I was staying for 3 weeks I would definitely at least offer to cook dinner once or twice!

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUp788 · 23/12/2019 08:17

No, not at all. She's a healthy, in her mid-60s and regularly goes running!

OP posts:
FairytaleofBykerGrove · 23/12/2019 08:19

YABU to let her sit around and do nothing. Tell her what to do and ignore the huffing or remind her that she was welcome as long as she pitched in.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/12/2019 08:25

Why do you not just ask her to do stuff? “I’ll sort the toddler, can you finish dinner please?” Then just walk out the room so you can’t see her huffing

If she doesn’t pitch in then say “we agreed to host Christmas if everyone pitched in so I do really need your help. Please can you go and wash up / make some tea / set the table”. Repeat and repeat.

Saddler · 23/12/2019 08:33

Sounds bone idle, get her told

RuggerHug · 23/12/2019 08:37

She knows there the sink is so she's on wash up for the entire visit.

pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 08:40

She sounds awful. But you know ways she like. I would have agreed with her it would be too much work.

MitziK · 23/12/2019 08:47

What does your Dad do on these stays?

If he's sitting there at the same time, then he needs to be told to get off his arse as well.

MitziK · 23/12/2019 08:50

Ah, sorry, I've just seen he helps. I'm not quite awake properly yet.

Something like 'Dad's been helping, it's your turn now'.

Damntheman · 23/12/2019 08:50

My 74 year old mother would never do this. She clears up after dinner (I don't usually let her cook in my house), she entertains my kids so I can do things in peace, she took my babies when they were small so I could sleep.

Your mum is being a dick. Start calling her out on it. "Go take over dinner please mum while DH is dealing with DC."

sprite25 · 23/12/2019 08:53

She does sound like she's treating it as a holiday where she gets waited on but I have to agree with PP that your enabling her to be this way, tell her you'll no longer be hosting as its too much on your end as she never helps out without huffing and making a show.

Purplewithred · 23/12/2019 08:58

This is just her, she’s being selfish and lazy. Does your dad do everything at home? Just keep reminding her the deal was that everyone chipped in, and if she doesn’t step up tell her she needs to go home early because you’re not well enough to run round after her. And don’t offer her anything.

Kko1986 · 23/12/2019 08:58

You dont need to be looking after her, you told them before they came you would need help if they dont like it they should to home

Tooner · 23/12/2019 08:59

Surely you can just ask her to do stuff and ignore the huffing and puffing. I would be telling her your house isn't a bloody hotel and she needs to pitch in

Cockadoodledooo · 23/12/2019 09:27

Do you ask her directly for help, or do you do that passive aggressive hinting thing? Because I hate that, and will wait to be asked directly in that case.
When visiting anyone I'll ask before meal prep etc occurs if they need help, but I'm afraid I will take them at their word if they say no and won't ask again (unless they're obviously struggling maybe).

Do you pitch in or get waited on when you go to hers? You say your dad helps at yours, does he do so at home or is it all on your mum? If so I'd understand if she wanted a break tbh.

pippistrelle · 23/12/2019 09:35

If that's how she's always been, then she's unlikely to change now. Essentially, you can like it or lump it. Either way, I wouldn't be inviting her to stay for three weeks. And it's okay to tell her why.

Original poster
FedUp788 · 23/12/2019 10:05

Tbh, I just kind of get on with things as that's how it's always been. Before I had a child I didn't mind as much, but now I just find I'm really struggling. If she offers help (v v rarely) I will always say yes and tell her how grateful I am. At home my dad does most of the cooking/washing up/making coffees, but she does the cleaning. The irony is that if we go to her house me and my sister do pretty much everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUp788 · 23/12/2019 10:08

Thanks for all of your messages. I guess I just needed a little rant. Tbh, I know we as a family have let this happen over the years because we never stand up to her because it always ends in too many tears and tantrums (her saying we think she's a terrible mother/threatening never to visit us again etc). So I guess I'll just have to stick it out. I just pray that I remember this when my DD grows up and I don't make her feel the same way!

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 23/12/2019 10:15

You sound quite naive about her behaviour to be honest.

Tears and tantrums if you ask her to help? So you have let her get away with it for years.

As you said, now you have a child and are pregnant, you are noticing it more. Perhaps this could be the push you need to stop her getting away with stuff.

Ask her to help. Take no notice of huffing and puffing. Tell it to her straight - "I am exhausted, DH is busy, Dad washing up all the lunch stuff, so could you please help by washing up the supper stuff". Etc.

Fight back! And get your sister on side too.

selmabear · 23/12/2019 10:30

OP you need to start putting your foot down and tell her. Don't ask her to do things, bloody tell her. "I've cooked
Dinner you can wash the dishes," "Pick up after yourself please." If she complains she doesn't know where anything is then take her on a tour of the house. Show her where you keep the laundry bits, show her how to use the washing machine so she can wash and dry her own clothes. Show her where all the pots and pans are so she can start on dinner. She's there for weeks not days, remind her you're her maid.

Ceejly · 24/12/2019 07:13

Hope things are going better sith your mum OP.