AIBU to wonder why so many women martyr themselves at Christmas?

[HappyHarlot]

All the things they MUST do or Christmas is ruined!

The children won't remember half of it. The women won't have the time or energy to actually enjoy the experience.

Why don't they delegate?

Christmas is the same date every year so plan accordingly and avoid the last minute stress.

Are they just drama llamas or am I just not getting it?

Because we live in a patriarchal society where women are fed messages from early childhood about how you must provide a certain type of Christmas in order to be considered a good wife and mother.

Sadly it's a case where most men have been raised to think Christmas is a woman's job/just happens, and have an amazing ability to play dumb this time of year. Even 'delegating' can be stressful job, when you've finished explaining what needs doing down to every tiny detail you're better off doing it yourself.

Yes delegating is also hard work.
And much of the ‘wifework’ would be missed by the children and mums don’t want to disappoint their dc.

I agree, to an extent, so many women go on and on about ‘the magic of Christmas’ and planning every single detail, much of which is over rated commercialism. People need to relax, enjoy time with family and friends without the stressing of over elaborate meals and excessive present giving. Christmas has never stressed me (& I work in retail so I get little time off & get to see how stressed everyone else is ).

Totally agree.

This year I'm not doing much as it's all bloody thankless anyway - we're having preprepared starter, roast ham, mash and veg for main and a bought dessert!

Sadly it's a case where most men have been raised to think Christmas is a woman's job/just happens, and have an amazing ability to play dumb this time of year.

^

This.

Even a low-key Christmas involves wrapping gifts, shopping for stuff and organising. It doesn't just happen. I'd put it in the same category as wirework.

Each year as I get older I do less!
I used to spring clean - now clean bathrooms and run dyson round
Less decorations each year
Dinner is not much different from usual roast and this year we are eating out
The only thing I really try hard with is to buy thoughtful gifts but only for a very close few

But what exactly do you mean when you say you don’t want to ‘disappoint’ your DC ? Some of the threads on here about what is planned for children are totally OTT ... surely DC are only disappointed when their expectations are set too high?

I don't agree it's the patriarchal society. I think it's women putting a lot of pressure on other women. 'Parenting' (when did we start using that work?) has for some reason become competitive and the women seem to be driving this.

It depends, DH buys everything for his side of the family, I buy for mine and most of DS's stuff, but he would go shopping with me if I wanted but I tend to go with friends; he wraps everything as my wrapping is rubbish and I hate doing it! We have our big meal on Christmas Eve so no one is in the kitchen all day on Christmas, and it means the family can all be together but then spend Christmas actual relaxing at home. I grew up in a household doing it this way and it works for us. I have friends though who have refused to do anything and none of it has been done, so I agree it's a problem.

It’s multifactorial. Some of it is pressure to live up to the impossible family Christmases portrayed in tv adverts, some is competitive parenting, but some is just people who had miserable or abusive childhoods and grim Christmases when they were children, and are now overcompensating to make sure their own DC have a fabulous time.

Because the kids would t have any gifts and nor would his parents or our friends' children unless I do it. Same way as our guests wouldn't be fed/ watered unless I planned and shopped and cooked
It's shit

Social media and Christmas magazines perpetuate a myth that the house is like a showroom, the tree is bedecked stylishly and women must waft around, like Nigella, offering canapés and crudités. Prosecco should flow as if there’s no tomorrow and presents should be wrapped in tartan and lavished with sumptuous ribbon.
It angers me that there are so many magazines devoted to this slavish habit that makes so many people feel like they’ve failed at Christmas .
It’s important to spend time with those you love, be it at a contact centre, dementia care home , hospice or at home.
I’ve no idea why women martyr themselves with trite like getting their hair done ( previous silly thread ) cleaning bathrooms and writing cards. ( don’t bother, most folk will abandon that malarkey soon enough.)
Focus on your immediate family.
My children ( now in twenties) remember the games and food and being at home and festive films.
Christmas martyrdom is bonkers. It’s just a glorified roast dinner with a few gifts.

I simplified wrapping this year by using gift bags presents in tape top together write on tag simple, cash to grandchildren sorted Christmas day dinner glorified roast beef dinner, easy starters and bought dessert, boxing day cold meats posh cheese and salad stuff, I don't send cards just a huge general happy Christmas on facebook have learnt over the years not to make Christmas hader than it needs to be

Our DC are older now, so the 'magic' of Christmas is not the same. It's now about time spent together with family (some of whom are not getting any younger) and friends.

I've worked in retail and now work in the NHS so have to be organised as it is so busy at work. My DH has always done his share too because if he didn't, it wouldn't get done.

We have all been brainwashed by films, adverts and television programs into this romantic idea of what Christmas is.

We try to recreate that with our own families.

Except my husband is off somewhere watching Die Hard and Star Wars. He doesn't see or take note of the finer details of these messages!

So I'm plugging away trying to make sure no one has anything to argue or be grumpy about on Christmas Day. And my husband is trying his best to keep me happy by following instructions but not having (or not caring to have!) that connection as to what it's all for.

That's how it feels to me anyway.

Also I read an article once about 'the glorification of busy' - I recognise some of that in some people I'm talking to at the moment. So you are a successful wife/mother/person if you are busy. But maybe people aren't as busy as they would have us believe?

It's the 'perfect' myth that we are sold & surrounded by. The best thing about getting older was I realised I'm not perfect & life isn't perfect so I'm not aiming for that any more, it's self defeating. Do what makes you happy not what you think is an imaginary Nirvana of perfection.

I’m a lone parent so if I don’t do it it won’t get done at all. But I agree that this is one of those numerous things that an awful lot of men think will simply happen.

The solution probably is delegation but that’s also a ballache.

I don't get it - how hard us it to buy a few presents, decorate the house and cook a roast dinner? I work, am a single mother, yet manage to get the tree up, decorate the outside of the house, buy presents, do all the cards, and have about ten of us for dinner. Yes it's work but plan it well and it's hardly a trail.
I think for alot if people it's the interrelationships that are the issue, not the actual logistics of the day.

I agree that some of it is the Patriarchy raising its head, men just don't do Christmas detail. Look at the volume of threads about useless husbands and partners of the male variety .

Then there's the joyous social media, before that there was magazines and tv programmes , about how Christmas should look.

And then we have women loving to compete against other women (due in part to number 1) and it just become my mother martyrdom.

Definitely! I don't understand why people make it so stressful and then moan about it! Order a few presents off Amazon, don't cook anything more fancy than a standard roast. The house needs cleaning as much as you do every week anyway. If you have a man around, expect them to do half of the jobs. Piece of piss.

What about all the dc’s Christmas discos, brownies trip to the panto, school nativity, carols in church, school Christmas fair etc. This is all the extra stuff. Ordering presents and cooking dinner is a very small part. For many there’s more cleaning because they have relatives to stay so it’s not just a whip round with the hoover.
We have a low-key Christmas and I’m no martyr, but there are a lot of disingenuous posts here pretending that there’s hardly s a my extra work associated with Christmas and anyone who thinks there is is somehow doing it wrong.

Because every single day I'm paddling upstream trying to juggle everything that it doesn't take much more to make the stream vertical.
It's all well and good saying delegate but what if there is no one to share the load, or worse someone that makes the load harder.

I've been thinking about this myself. I'm due Boxing Day so I'm not really 'doing' Christmas this year, mostly just presents for the kids in my family.
Everyone has been lovely and understanding and don't expect me to do anything but I still feel guilty and like I'm not doing enough.
I think a lot of it is socialisation. So many of us saw our mums whizzing around trying to make sure everyone had a lovely Christmas and now we think it's our job.