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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas presents for in laws

44 replies

RecoveringChocaholic · 22/12/2019 07:25

DH announced yesterday that he expects me to pay for half the Christmas presents that he bought for his family (MIL, BIL & SIL X2, nieces and nephew). In all the 17 years we've been together we've always just sorted our own families. In the last few years I've bought and paid for in full presents for his two brothers wives and his godfathers wife. Although this year he did the SILs. His Argument is that they buy presents for me (bottle of gin, Toiletries etc) and also presents for our DC and therefore I should contribute equally financially. He spends hundreds on presents. Apparently I owe him £150. I wasn't consulted about the presents he bought.
He's not offered to pay for half of the presents I bought for my nephews and niece. (I don't think he realises that I have bought any). My family have all bought presents for our DC but not for us as we as a family generally only buy presents for the children. It's just the way we are.
Now I'm happy to do as we have done in previous years and pay for the presents for SILs. I've already bought and paid for the present for his godfathers wife. AIBU to refuse to pay him for the rest of the presents he bought for his side of the family? Or is he right that I should split this 50/50 as they do buy me a gift?

OP posts:
Original poster
RecoveringChocaholic · 22/12/2019 07:25

Don't know how to turn on voting...

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 22/12/2019 07:33

Your married, you've been together 17 years and you are both squabbling like this?

tobedtoMNandfart · 22/12/2019 07:34

You're

GaaaaarlicBread · 22/12/2019 07:36

Just pay half

bellajay · 22/12/2019 07:38

YABU - he doesn’t get to announce this a few days before Christmas. Tell him you’re happy to discuss a change in arrangements for next year but if you’re paying half, you get to have an input into what is bought.

Sunsetsunrise1527 · 22/12/2019 07:39

Agree. It's impossible to give you an answer without knowing who is the higher earner and how your finances are split such as who contributed to which items normally.

Tbh when we joined incomes we just accepted that all presents came out of the as they had previously been bought from the separate incomes. I will say ours works as I buy lots for my family (and vice versa) and am the higher earner so not spending his money, and he buys less for his family (and vice versa) as that's what they have always done.

bellajay · 22/12/2019 07:39

Sorry, meant to say YANBU!

Original poster
RecoveringChocaholic · 22/12/2019 07:43

Just to clarify, he's the higher earner by quite some margin. We keep our finances separate, always have done. We pay equally for all household bills, mortgage and anything concerning our DC.
I'm annoyed that he's just sprung this on me. If he wanted me to contribute equally he should have said at the start and I could have at least given him a budget. He knows I'm trying to save some money after just returning to work from mat leave and I don't have much left at the end of the month if anything. So an extra £150 makes a big difference to me.

OP posts:
Marnie76 · 22/12/2019 07:48

Does he pay you for looking after his children whilst you’re on mat leave?

Original poster
RecoveringChocaholic · 22/12/2019 07:52

@Marnie76 he did pay a larger share of the bills while I was 'off' but let's not get into that. It's a whole other can of worms Hmm

OP posts:
russiandwarf · 22/12/2019 07:52

He's being ridiculous given that you just returned from mat leave, he's the higher earner and he didn't ask you before he bought the presents. YANBU. I would tell him no given that you weren't consulted beforehand. Then tell him what your budget would have been and offset that against any gifts bought for your nephews, SIL or godparent's wife which should hopefully cancel out any money 'owed'. My DH is also the higher earner and buys expensive gifts for his family so I get where you're coming from!

LyraSilvertongueBelacqua · 22/12/2019 07:53

Definitely shouldn't be paying!

OceanSunFish · 22/12/2019 07:55

This doesn't seem fair to me. I realise all couples organise their finances differently, but if he expected you to pay half he should have asked in advance (especially given this has not happened in the past) and given you a chance to set a budget for them.

GreytExpectations · 22/12/2019 07:56

Can't believe you have been married 17 years and you don't contribute to any of your in laws gifts, even though they buy gifts for you. They are supposed to be family to you, plus its weird that you keep finances seperate and are married, maybe you should work on the trust issues you seem to have.

Poorolddaddypig · 22/12/2019 08:05

If he doesn’t contribute to your parents then I don’t see why you should pay for his. It can’t just go one way.

Vulpine · 22/12/2019 08:06

Just join your finances

Original poster
RecoveringChocaholic · 22/12/2019 08:07

@GreytExpectations separate finances have just always worked for us. We've never argued over money before. We've always been very open about it. Maybe you're right that I should have contributed to presents before now but it has never been a question before. I do split the bills with him if we take his parents out for lunch etc during the year, it's only ever been the Christmas presents he pays himself. Probably because his family tend to go a bit OTT.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/12/2019 08:08

Do you think he's overspent and needs the extra cash? He's out of order asking you to pay towards his families presents.

countdowntochristmas · 22/12/2019 08:10

17 years together and arguing over who's money Hmm

Awrite · 22/12/2019 08:11

You shouldn't contribute equally to household bills if you earn considerably less than your husband.

You are meant to be a partnership. He's taking the piss.

You've accepted being taken advantage of so now he's ramping it up. And you've just had a baby?

Atalune · 22/12/2019 08:16

Sounds like financial abuse.

You don’t pay the same if you earn considerably less. That’s crazy.

Separate finances clearly work for him!

If you’re splitting money which I think in a marriage is madness it should be a % based on income. So a 70/30 split for example.

Daisydoola · 22/12/2019 08:20

Oh fuck that. I don't understand why it's not just all family money.

After 17 years his and hers seems crazy. Just tell him no.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2019 08:21

I can't get my head round the separate finances bit. It's causing a problem now. Share your lives, your bed but not money to the extent this has happened and your arguing about who owes what. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 22/12/2019 08:21

I can't imagine bickering about money like this after 17 years together. What's brought this on, OP? Has he gotten himself in trouble with money? Does he have hidden debt? It seems odd that he's suddenly making an issue out of this after so many years.

Juliette20 · 22/12/2019 08:22

Can't believe you have been married 17 years and you don't contribute to any of your in laws gifts, even though they buy gifts for you

My DH buys all his family's gifts and I buy mine, which is about sharing the mental load as much as money - of course the gifts come from all of us on the tags, not just DH or me. Though sometimes I buy a present for SIL or MIL myself if I see something nice. We have a joint account for bills and our own accounts. We buy for DDs together.

Obviously it's wrong to suddenly ask for a contribution, especially when it isn't reciprocated! YANBU.

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