AIBU to really want to go back to work?

[kevintheorangecarrot]

I went back to work when my DS was 7 months as I enjoy working and it also keeps my depression at bay. If I am at home all day every day, I start to lose the will to live and fall into deep depression. My family and I have moved away so I had to hand in my notice and we both decided that I should try being a SAHM for a while.

However, after 2 weeks I was already starting to get into depression (feeling very low and worthless) and being at the end of my tether with DS by losing my patience with him, shouting at him and telling him to pack it in because nothing I ever did was good enough. When we go out in public, he plays up and starts shouting and hitting me. I can't be fucking doing with it. I love him so much but I cannot cope with being at home with him 24/7.

I feel like the worse mum on the planet because everyone I know says they love being a SAHM... how?! If it continues any longer, I'd be needing plenty of Prozac. Thankfully I have been accepted for a new job to start next month and I just feel so much happier and more positive.

Thank you to those wishing me luck! I am very nervous but excited. Before, I was feeling really low but when I got the call to say I've been accepted and given a start date, I just feel a lot more brighter and happier in myself. I just really hope it will be OK. I am going to do my best ((fingers x'd))

yanbu and I was the same. being a sahp would have driven me completely potty. there must be a different way to balance things. get yourself a job that can fit in with other needs asap.

it is ok to be making a loss for a couple of years when you balance the salary with childcare costs - it's a small price to pay for your mental health and the stability of family life from not being in an intolerable situation, plus the added benefit that your long term earning potential and pension status would then be less badly affected so it pays off in the long run.

and it's not too long before the free nursery hours kick in and your finances improve.

I lasted 3 months as a SAHM before I got a job.

Another one here who loves working. I love the structure and enjoy my work and the kids benefit because I am happy. I also love the extra cash and the fact I’m paying into a pension to safeguard our future.

I went back at four and five monthes respectively. Felt 1000 times better getting that 'break'. It saved my sanity and my pension. Now teens, no regrets for a second.

I've just done two years as a sahm and I am itching now to get back to work. Unfortunately childcare is a nightmare to find where I live and ridiculously expensive so that's also a factor in our decision to have me stay at home. I am starting to stare enviously at people wearing nice smart work clothes. There is no right or wrong way OP you do whatever suits you and your family.

I’ve been on both sides of this. Went back to work when my eldest was 4 months old as I couldn’t stand being at home and then ten years later stopped work so I could be a sahm with my youngest and loved it! It’s amazing how your outlook and everything can change over time. You just have to do whatever makes you happy.

Don't feel guilty & good luck in the new job. I find working gives me structure & routine which I like. I also find my headspace is clearer on the days I work so I'm better at organising & sorting things.

I worked part time when mine were little. Still do. I loved that for a few days a week I could put smart clothes on, walk out the door and switch off from the responsibility... Plus it was good for my confidence. Although it was hard work sometimes when you've been up with baby since 3.45!

I've 3 kids, currently on my 3rd maternity leave. With each kid, I've hated the ML more & more. It's absolutely mind numbing and I get so low which is the opposite of my usual. I adore my kids but find it so challenging to be as patient as they deserve.

I don't go back until Sept 2020 but I'm really wondering if I'll last til then.
My older two are in school and crèche for a few hours which is my only saving grace.

My crèche fees, when I go back will mean that I take home a few hundred a month only but I don't care - I've got to work or I'll go absolutely daft.

YANBU I was EXACTLY the same as you and needed work to keep my sanity. Did not end the depression but I feel a sense of calm when I'm sat at the office, making me a nicer parent (sometimes!) when I am with the children. Had an amazing childminder for first 3 1/2 years, really second mum to my oldest, so DCs benefitted enormously from me being back at work. Slightly regret DD2 having to go to nursery at 18 months (childminder stopped due to own circumstances) but still preferable to being with a deep in PND mummy all day every day. Don't assume PND magically lifts after a year (myth), talk to your doctor, don't leave it untreated as it can continue for a long time.

OP, I found mat leave a very isolating time and the loneliness really bought my depression on.

Best advice I was given was from SIL who said 'get out of the house every day'. She was spot on. I found out when all the Mum and baby groups were happening on my side of town and went to one pretty much every single day for 4 months. Made 1 or 2 good Mummy friends that way. Just having someone to talk to made the world of difference.....

Sounds like you have a toddler now? They are incredibly hard work. I really enjoyed being at home with a baby on mat leave, once the newborn haze had lifted a bit, but toddlers are so much harder mentally and physically imho.

And there's no reason why the new job shouldn't be ok. It's a setup that works very well for many women.

Absolutely fine for you to go back! Much better than you being depressed and DS being shouted at. Working can make you a better parent- as long as it makes you happier and kinder to DS when you're with him, then go for it.

OP - if you were having babies 30 years ago you’d be going back to work after about 3 months off. I and all my mum friends who returned to work did that, so it was very normal and the only alternative was giving up work completely.

Now, I’m not saying you should necessarily do that; personally I think 3 months was physically very hard particularly when bf, but I feel it’s almost swung the other way and women can feel pressure to take a whole year off which is a long time. Do what works for you. I reckon if I was giving birth now, about 6 months would be right for me. And I say that as someone who was fortunate not to suffer from PND and neither did I find being home on ML boring or particularly stressful. I enjoyed it but that doesn’t mean I wanted to be home full time. I wanted to continue having parts to my life that existed pre children.

Kids are grown up now, all fine and my career and pension are in good shape too. There is nothing ‘better’ about being a SAHM, it’s an equally valid choice that’s all. Do what works for your family.

it's ok not to love, or even like, being a SAHP, I loathed it but stuck it out for various reasons for the 3 years I was allowed with #1 (which overlapped with 18 months for #2) and was so relieved to get a job after that.

We're all different and we all (try to) do the best for our own family and circumstances. Your choices are valid and they are yours, as a family, to make.

I also think it’s very important that women don’t feel obliged to ‘explain’ why they want to work. I realise the OP doesn’t feel happy at home full time, but there are hundreds of thousands of women who aren’t remotely unhappy at home but still choose to work. I never got bored at home and no doubt I (and many of my friends) could have been SAHM. Sometimes it’s a choice between two good opportunities, not one that’s ‘good’ and one that’s ‘bad’

I went back to work after ten months of adoption leave, even though I ‘only’ went back four days a week it was definitely the best decision, it also saved the teeny tiny bit of sanity I still had.

I could never have been a SAHM. I took 16 weeks maternity & went back to work FT. I was a much better mother & person because of it.

I found during May leave that I really need adult company in the daytime. I did loads - buggy Bootcamp, baby swimming, library sessions and just meeting up with people for a walk or bike ride or at the park or just hanging out at one of our houses.

I Honestly could not sahp unless I lived in a commune. I certainly couldn’t do it in an area I was new to. You’re not unusual OP.

I’m going back to work in 2 weeks when my dd will be 5 months because I cannot cope being a sahp and I’m losing my mind

I feel absolutely awful and guilty but I have crippling depression and being stuck at home all the time is very isolating and making it ten times worse. Especially with a baby a toddler and a 7 year old added for good measure.

I take my hat off to all sahps I really do!

Happy mum = happy baby x

YANBU does not even cover it. 6 months mat leave drove me mad with DS. Now expecting DD and already taking 17 weeks which contain Keep in Touch Days. SAHM is as much out of the question for me as is me deciding to relocate to Mars. I couldn’t imagine anything worse for me and who I am. So totally totally YANBU.

YANBU. I’m currently on my second maternity leave and he’s 4 and a half months. I’ve booked nursery for March and I’m starting to look for new work in the New Year. With my first I took 10 months because I felt like I had to and lots of others around me were but I hated it. I cannot wait to get back. I just don’t want to talk about or be around babies all day. Some will judge you, I certainly have been (“What, only 6 months? But he’s so small still.”)

I was practically skipping for joy going to the train station on my first day back.

Good luck with your new job. I’m jealous!