I want to start again and leave husband with history of abusive behaviour

[Lifechangingtimesahead]

I've name changed for this. Sorry I'm posting in AIBU but need either a head shake or an idea that what I'm planning is a good idea.

It may be because we're almost at the start of a New Year, but having been very unhappy in my relationship for a while I feel like I'm needing to start to make some changes.

I'm fairly newly married but we almost didn't make it to the wedding, I'm not sure why we went through with it tbh. I don't think he's happy either. He certainly doesn't give me the impression he is. In the last year he's become even less approachable than ever before, he won't have a conversation with me about anything other than small talk, if I want to talk about work or family or anything he's just not interested. If I dare to step into an area that is even slightly contentious he raises his voice immediately, getting more and more aggressive. He's bruised me on two occasions in the last year, not really badly, but enough to make a bruise. Everything has to be his way of doing things or not at all.

I can see now the pattern of abusive behaviour but I'm in a very difficult situation as he's encouraged me to move to his area, move jobs to his area, sever ties with most of my friends (who still live where I used to live). I have no children which is the only good thing.

I've managed to squirrel away some money and I have the ability to get another good job back where I come from. My confidence is shot to pieces and I've relocated about 2.5 hours from my original place so it'll take organising if and when I get interviews.

Where do I start? Do I get the job first and then move? My family are not local either so I don't have any family or friends to stay with. I have to stick it out here until I can move jobs and home at the same time, is this a crazy idea?

I would get out. Can you move home?

Can you move in with parents while you get back on your feet?

I can't really advise on this but I couldn't 'read and run'.

Firstly, good on you for having the strength and courage to want to leave this man.

Can you contact Women's Aid? They can advise further and possibly house you in a refuge temporarily. They'd be able to help you and provide support while you try to move on to the next phase of your life.
Good luck x

Is there any chance you could move back to your old area and stay with a friend while you job hunt? Would your savings keep you for long enough do you think?

I can move but the job I was encouraged to take to be near him isn't a good payer so I couldn't support myself on my own here. If I move back I can get a better paid job and can support myself again.

Thank you, I'm not sure I have the strength and courage to leave yet. I'd be terrified of being on the streets if I moved first and then couldn't get a job. My savings won't last forever.

I would contact women's aid or another DV charity in your area for advice, they can help you put together a safety plan for while you're still there and help you with the emotional and practical preparations you need to make in order to leave! DV pretty much only gets worse so if he's 'just bruised' you twice this year (unacceptable anyway) you have no idea what he's capable of!

Christmas and New Year is a real leveller when you're not happy. I left my abusive ex husband NY 2010/11. I had the same fears as you about not being able to manage on my own. But 9 years on I'm thriving and in a much better paid job when I was when we were married. I think you know what you need to do but it's a bit scary leaving and being on your own. I would say sort your finances out if possible, and get out. I don't think you'll look back.

Best of luck.

Are your parents supportive? If you moved back to your hometown could you stay with them while you look for work?

You may find you friends are worried about you and will help. You need to act reasonably soon as violence tends to escalate.

You're on 100% YANBU, OP.
Leave. Make a new life for yourself. You've already identified that it's abusive.
Honestly. You will thank yourself for it in the future.
Give yourself the best Christmas present you can. I know it seems scary. But it's not. It's liberating. Even if it's tough financially initially.

OP, you are in a great position.

1. You know he is abusive.
2. You are traveling light.

Be so proud that you know who he is and are prepared to go.

Tell family and friends.
Contact Woman's Aid.
Bruises are abuse.
Apply to the jobs you know you have a chance to get.
Reach out to those that can support you.
Get your money together.

Reach out to the people who can support you.

💐

When I was in your situation another kind Mumsnet tee who had been through the same thing said leave and sort out the logistics later. When you are in an abusive relationship you can’t think properly because of the fear. It’s what they do to you.

Leave now. Women’s aid have a list of things that you need to take when you leave an abusive relationship and it is things like passport and marriage certificate. Get as much of that together as you can and just go. You can sort yourself out when you are in a safe place.

Please leave ASAP.

You need to go ASAP and do it without telling him first... you need to be safe and the only way to guarantee that is to leave. Go to your original area and walk into a police station and ask for help... from experience I know they'll help you. 'Just a few bruises' is just the beginning but sadly it won't be the end