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Original poster

Feeling torn between families every Christmas

26 replies

Alicia870 · 21/12/2019 21:37

Is it just me or is Christmas just really stressful deciding where to spend it and who with and it always feels as though you're letting someone down?

We've usually take it in turns to go to my parents for Christmas Day and then dh's parents the following year. That then means spending Boxing Day with the Other set of parents. It basically means living out of a bag and spending a lot of time in the car. Now we have a one year old and tbh I just can't be bothered with it anymore!! Decided we are doing Christmas dinner in our house and anyone can come to us. Now of course neither set of parents want to come here and I'm being made to feel selfish and guilty for just wanting to spend the day indoors without driving for ages and upsetting dad routine.
How do other people work this? Can't seem to find any way to make it uncomplicated!

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 21/12/2019 21:48

What you're doing is the perfect way to make it uncomplicated.
Well done.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 21:50

Stop worrying about others. You’ve done your time going to them. If they want to see you they will come. Otherwise just enjoy a lovely relaxed Christmas with your baby.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 21/12/2019 21:51

The parents and in laws have got set in their ways with you alternating your Christmas them. It's not selfish at all to want to stay in your own home at Christmas now you have a young child. You've invited them and that's really lovely. If they prefer to stay in their own homes that's up to them.
We always stay at home on Christmas day and do visiting on Boxing day.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/12/2019 21:52

My parents are divorced, my DP's parents are divorced and we have this issue every single year. They all want us to see them, they all live in different parts of the country so we just stay at home now.

We get it in the neck from everyone every year but we can't physically get around to everyone at Christmas especially because we both only have Christmas day and Boxing day off.

user1493413286 · 21/12/2019 21:53

We’ve been the same as you yet always been made to feel that we’re pleasing no one (including ourselves) as everyone mentions that they don’t see us for long enough. The first year with DD we stayed at home and just explained it was too much to travel and people were welcome to come to us, second year went to family and now with 2 DC we’ve said we’re no longer travelling to other people at Christmas as it’s too difficult and not fair on our DC and I refuse to feel guilty about it especially as my parents did similar at my age

HypatiaCade · 21/12/2019 21:53

You are doing the right thing. They want to keep you as a child. You be THEIR child, but you are not A child.

Spend Christmas at home and IF YOU WANT TO visit 1 of them on Boxing Day - if they're not too far away. Next year see the other in Boxing Day - again if not too far away.

When they complain just say 'why should we be the ones who always travel, when we're the ones with a young child?'

If they didn't travel when YOU were little it adds even more to your argument.

DramaAlpaca · 21/12/2019 21:53

We used to alternate Christmas and New Year with each set of parents, it had to be like that as our families lived in different countries. Then we had children and started to find the travelling too much. So we decided to stay at home & make our own traditions. We've had the grandparents to stay a couple of times each, but mostly it's just us & it's lovely. So much less stressful.

OceanSunFish · 21/12/2019 21:55

We alternate families, and we also alternate hosting and visiting for each family. So there are four possible scenarios iyswim. It works for us because everyone knows what to expect, and no one feels they're always doing the hosting or the travelling.

Caterinaballerina · 21/12/2019 21:55

When you or your DH were children were you always at home or did you have to go out to other family members? If you were home just say you want the same Christmas experience for your DD as you had and enjoyed so much as children. It’s a compliment to your parents so should help them see your way of thinking.

CadburyFestiveFriends · 21/12/2019 21:59

OP no one can make you feel guilty or selfish without your consent. Tell them the driving and moving around is unfair of DS and of spending Christmas together is so important they can make the effort to travel.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant and have already agreed with DH that this will be the last Christmas we spend outside our family home. Will send an open invitation to parents/siblings and then crack on with the Christmas I want 👍🏻

Original poster
Alicia870 · 21/12/2019 22:02

We both stayed in our own homes Christmas Day. My parents are much more understand than dh's to be totally honest. Ts not really my parents who don't want to come for dinner it's more so my younger sister- she's late teens and still in the wanting to stay in her pjs at home phase.

But dh's family really grind my gears at this time of year. Previous years hey have announced that everyone is going to theirs for Christmas Day with no regard for the fact that I have a family too and might want to make plans with them. It takes so much of the goodness out of Christmas having in laws 🙈🙈

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 21/12/2019 22:03

Most people I know, including me, do what you do. YANBU. Don’t be made to feel guilty - especially if they won’t even come to you!

Original poster
Alicia870 · 21/12/2019 22:05

I also feel it gets complicated when sister in law (husbands brothers wife) just isn't a huge Christmas lover like me, and happily Trots to in laws every Christmas Day without even batting an eyelid. So I think that makes me seem like I'm being difficult in comparison to her.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 21/12/2019 22:05

You have done the right thing!

GreenGrove · 21/12/2019 22:07

Why won't they come to you OP?

Original poster
Alicia870 · 21/12/2019 22:09

@GreenGrove stuck in their ways I can only presume!

OP posts:
GreenGrove · 21/12/2019 22:12

@Alicia870 I envy you. We've got a 6 month old DS and we're spending Xmas day with the in laws and then travelling to my family some hours away on Boxing Day. I think next year we might do what you're doing

AwakeAmbs · 21/12/2019 22:13

Yes we had this exact scenario. After 6 years with two babies / young children and us rushing around making everyone else happy I put my foot down and this year we aren’t going anywhere! Both sets are coming to us for nibbles and drinks on the days before and after Xmas

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 21/12/2019 22:15

We do a 3yearly rotation of Christmas Decisions - this year DH and I decided to stay home. Next year my folks can decide if they want us to go to them / them to come to us / not see us over Christmas (too far to travel without staying at least a few days). And last year DH's folks got to choose.

Babybel90 · 21/12/2019 22:18

You're not selfish for not wanting to drag a small child around in a car for 2 days, if anything they’re selfish for not coming to see you when you have a small child.

Nothing bad will happen if you don’t see them on those two days, there are 363 other days in the year you could see them.

NeedAnExpert · 21/12/2019 22:23

Is it just me or is Christmas just really stressful deciding where to spend it and who with and it always feels as though you're letting someone down?

Nope. Together 18 years. Not one Xmas spent with either set of parents (they live 200 miles apart so no way to do both if we wanted to). Tend to go away for Xmas (UK/not UK) and designate a weekend each for each side of the family to meet up sometime between Nov and Feb. That way it’s fair and there is never a row about it with anyone.

Over the years DH’s family have made less effort with DD generally, so DH takes her up there one week of the summer school hols now and we don’t do anything in the winter.

BetweenTheMoon · 21/12/2019 22:26

We've spent years alternating between my mum and DH parents (who are divorced). This year we've got our second child who's only 7 months and I'm tired. Husband has been splitting his Christmas between parents since he was little. He's tired of it too. We've decided Christmas Day is now always just the 4 of us and we'll see others before or after Christmas.

MiL is finding every opportunity possible to make us feel guilty but it's just making us more sure we've done the right thing.

Drum2018 · 21/12/2019 22:30

We've stayed in our own house for years, have had my parents, sister, mil over the years but for the last few years it's just been us. All parents are gone now and siblings do their own thing too. You are right to stay in your house now and set that as your tradition if that's what you would like. Don't engage in conversation about it further. If anyone tries to guilt you just ignore and change the subject.

AJPTaylor · 21/12/2019 22:34

We did exactly what you did. Dds first Christmas we said no driving, everyone welcome to ours. Pil came for lunch, my lot for tea.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 21/12/2019 22:43

Stick to your guns and have the Christmas you want. They will get over it!

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