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AIBU?

Have all my past relationships been unhealthy?

4 replies

sugar88 · 21/12/2019 19:56

In a reflective mood after me and my ex broke up 6 months ago. I feel like on reflection that my past "serious" relationships have been really unhealthy and I'm only just starting to realise. For context I'm in my 20s and have had 2 relationships I'd put into this category.

First one I feel was quite controlling. He used to buy me presents all the time like jewellery and come up to me "dissapointed" asking "why aren't you wearing the necklace I bought you?" anytime I wasn't wearing it. I can't wear it all the time! Then any time I'd bring up him acting unreasonably he'd literally leave the room mid convo and go sit in a quiet room on a chair facing the wall. Once I found him sitting in the bathroom in silence staring at the toilet. Just sat there waiting for me to go after him and apologise. I somehow spent over a year with that man. What was I doing?

My second more serious relationship (i.e 7 years serious) the man couldn't apologise for anything. I honestly don't think he said sorry to me once in 7 years. He also hated confrontation and any time I'd bring up him acting unreasonably no word of a lie he used to ignore the whole conversation and carry on with what he was doing like he's deaf. Never even acknowledged it. Pretended like it wasn't happening. THE single most infuriating thing I have ever experienced. He hated confrontation so much that I was the only person he felt comfortable letting down so I was let down constantly. We have plans set up months in advance and his parents happen to organise something on that day last minute? Our plans cancelled. He hasn't seen me for a month and I come to visit but work ring him up and say they need him to do something at the weekend? I have to sit there and watch him work. I also left my job to try go for something bigger and he encouraged me to do it, then...applied for my old position in my old team at work and got it (we used to work for the same company). So the whole time he moaned about "I can't say no work need me"...he COULD SAY NO. I had his f*king job previously with the same f*king manager and yes it takes some front not to be walked all over but I wasn't walked all over? Once we hadn't seen eachother for 6 weeks (I moved to London for a job so we ended up long distance and the plan was for him to do the same eventually) and he had to come for work for a few days and they put him in a hotel 10 MINUTES FROM MY FLAT and he told me I was being extremely unreasonable when I was annoyed that he had no plans to come see me any evening of the week he was here because he was "busy with work".

It's annoying because both these guys I would have considered nice guys. I have no idea how I only notice these things after coming out of relationships. I'm particularly fond of the relationship I had with the most recent guy for some reason. It was like a movie romance at the very start and I think that just brainwashed me for the rest of it.

Am I right in thinking these sound pretty unhealthy? I feel like I need to give my head a shake. How do I stop myself getting involved with people like this again? Also please give me some reassurance that there are men out there that are able to take responsibility for their actions. I'm sure there are but I feel like I'm pushing 30 and there's no hope.

Sigh

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

3 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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ChoosingHappiness · 21/12/2019 21:21

I think both of those certainly sound like they have unhealthy aspects, being silent until you apologise regardless of whether you're actually in the wrong is a sign of someone who's emotionally abusive and the second one just sounds like he wasn't putting that much effort into you! He certainly wasn't making you the priority you were making him and he wasn't bothered about making time for you.
The way you stop getting involved with people like that is by taking a break from dating to get to know and value yourself. Enjoy some hobbies, be busy with friends/family and out yourself first so that when you meet a man it's someone who values what you value and has to fit around the things that are important to you, not the other way around. Take your time, get to know them and watch them interact with their friends/family, it's not 100% accurate but you get a good idea of people's character by ascertaining how they treat others.
There definitely are those men out there, you'll see from my previous post that I spent 7+ years being abused by my ex but now (and I'm pushing 30 too!) I'm weeks away from marrying an incredible man who is gentle, kind, takes responsibility for his actions and makes me incredibly happy plus isn't remotely abusive, good luck Smile

rosiejaune · 22/12/2019 00:39

Read something by Lundy Bancroft, or the Freedom Programme materials. And don't rush into another relationship.

I was in two long-term (4 and 5 years) abusive relationships previously, but I met my current partner at work, and knew him for 4.5 years as a friend before we got together. So that might be a safer way (though there are still plenty of abusive men who appear nice to friends but not to partners).

sugar88 · 22/12/2019 11:38

Thanks so much for the replies. I can't even imagine anyone asking me on a date a this point. I think I'm still at the feeling sorry for myself stage.

OP posts:
Indie139 · 22/12/2019 18:37

I feel the same. Im 28 and 4 bad relationships.

1st one was my daughters dad (together 5 years) we met as teenagers and i found out he was having sex with someone else when my daughter was 2. He was also someone who was very short tempered and rude.

2nd guy was finalising his divorce and hadnt been with ex in 2 years. When she found out about our relationship she manipulated him and he said he wanted to be with us both. I shut that down.

3rd guy at the end i found out he was cheating throughout. Would always drink and ask for money. At the end he was also violent. When we broke up he said really mean things about my body as he knows im very conscious about my belly ever since pregnancy. That was 3 yrs ago and he still finds ways to try and contact me now and again ffs

4th guy was sweet. However didnt really seem to want to commit. Sometimes i admit i was moody and he would be really harsh and not speak to me for days despite me saying sorry. He also would exaggerate and twist things to make things look way worse than what actually happened. Constantly misunderstood and wouldnt listen while coming up with the most negative things he could. He ended it because i had barely seen him in 6 weeks and mentioned he seemed so-so about meeting as he would say yes but then not get back to me or ignore stuff i would send. He blew up and said i was complaining about him spending time with his parents (who were visiting during this time) it was nothing to do with that! 2 months later i saw him out with a new female

Really hope i find someone nice soon !!! I feel so nervous about dating atm, as ive already wasted so much time on these guys

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