In a reflective mood after me and my ex broke up 6 months ago. I feel like on reflection that my past "serious" relationships have been really unhealthy and I'm only just starting to realise. For context I'm in my 20s and have had 2 relationships I'd put into this category.
First one I feel was quite controlling. He used to buy me presents all the time like jewellery and come up to me "dissapointed" asking "why aren't you wearing the necklace I bought you?" anytime I wasn't wearing it. I can't wear it all the time! Then any time I'd bring up him acting unreasonably he'd literally leave the room mid convo and go sit in a quiet room on a chair facing the wall. Once I found him sitting in the bathroom in silence staring at the toilet. Just sat there waiting for me to go after him and apologise. I somehow spent over a year with that man. What was I doing?
My second more serious relationship (i.e 7 years serious) the man couldn't apologise for anything. I honestly don't think he said sorry to me once in 7 years. He also hated confrontation and any time I'd bring up him acting unreasonably no word of a lie he used to ignore the whole conversation and carry on with what he was doing like he's deaf. Never even acknowledged it. Pretended like it wasn't happening. THE single most infuriating thing I have ever experienced. He hated confrontation so much that I was the only person he felt comfortable letting down so I was let down constantly. We have plans set up months in advance and his parents happen to organise something on that day last minute? Our plans cancelled. He hasn't seen me for a month and I come to visit but work ring him up and say they need him to do something at the weekend? I have to sit there and watch him work. I also left my job to try go for something bigger and he encouraged me to do it, then...applied for my old position in my old team at work and got it (we used to work for the same company). So the whole time he moaned about "I can't say no work need me"...he COULD SAY NO. I had his f*king job previously with the same f*king manager and yes it takes some front not to be walked all over but I wasn't walked all over? Once we hadn't seen eachother for 6 weeks (I moved to London for a job so we ended up long distance and the plan was for him to do the same eventually) and he had to come for work for a few days and they put him in a hotel 10 MINUTES FROM MY FLAT and he told me I was being extremely unreasonable when I was annoyed that he had no plans to come see me any evening of the week he was here because he was "busy with work".
It's annoying because both these guys I would have considered nice guys. I have no idea how I only notice these things after coming out of relationships. I'm particularly fond of the relationship I had with the most recent guy for some reason. It was like a movie romance at the very start and I think that just brainwashed me for the rest of it.
Am I right in thinking these sound pretty unhealthy? I feel like I need to give my head a shake. How do I stop myself getting involved with people like this again? Also please give me some reassurance that there are men out there that are able to take responsibility for their actions. I'm sure there are but I feel like I'm pushing 30 and there's no hope.
Sigh