Getting threw Christmas without the kids

[busylifebusywife]

Two of my 4 children have gone to there dads for Christmas the two boys, they are big personalities so the house seems so quite with just me OH and the two girls.

I feel really sad but I don't want to feel sad! I know they will have a great time.

Dad picked them up from school Friday and they won't be home till the 30th. Unfortunately not due to the lack of trying on my side the relationship isn't amicable so I won't see or hear anything till then.

My oh has really tried to cheer me up and has gone to so much effort but I feel so down. How do I shake this?

Why have you agreed to such a long absence? You didn't have to. A court wouldn't have granted it.

I'm not really sure what to suggest to help. It's not fair on them not to talk to you at all so I would be contacting your ex to let him know this.

This was granted by the court in May of this year, it's alternative years one parent gets Christmas week of the school Holliday the other New Year.

But it's 10 days not a week?

You could have got contact by phone written into the order but obviously it's too late now. I would still be contacting your ex to discuss what's best for the DC.

Do they have anyway of video chatting you? So you could see them xx

It's just how the weekends fall the weekend in between is his this year and he gets to pick them up from school on the Friday. I asked for contact but he refused and it's email only.

The court hearing was held after months of investigation his solicitor was very good and the judge even went against the Cafcass report.

At this point I was breastfeeding a 6 weeks old and was still recovering from my c section. I was exhausted and tired of fighting possibly wasn't in the best place to assert my self at that moment in time unfortunately.

I have thought about going back to court but after the judge went against all Cafcass recommendations I feel it's mainly pointless.

Unfortunately not, they are only 4 and 5

He also refused calls etc from his side, he only sees them every other weekend so he goes without contact for a lot of the time. This his how him and his solicitor managed to manipulate me not needing phone contact as it's apparently distrusting and unreasonable

It doesn't seem right they aren't lowed any contact with you in 10 days, that doesnt sound as if Dad has their best interests at heart.

He doesn't, it was all a battle of control for him and his partner. But that's a totally different thread and story for another time.

Wow this sounds really tough I am sorry that the judge has made what appears to be a bad decision. I hope that in the future things get better for you and perhaps over time your ex might be a little more reasonable for you ds sake.

To address your actual question. It feels really hard and I don't think you're going to be able to not feel their adsence. I would say make sure you give yourself some quiet time to miss them and think about what they're doing. But outside of those times, try to be in the moment with your oh and the girls. Maybe a new girly Christmas tradition might help, not what that might be but maybe dressing up the baby and her sister. I think the main thing is when you do think of your boys allow yourself the moment to feel sad and then try to focus on the positives of what is happening in the moment. Having special, protected time to miss them when you're not in the middle of something with your daughter's will hopefully make it a little easier. It's about acknowledging you're missing them so that you're not always fighting not to think about them. If you fight it all that happens is it's harder not to think about them constantly.

Thank you Napmum that really helped. This is a really good way to manage and cope with it.

Glad it helped. Sending you my well wishes this Christmas xx

*busylifebusywife" I've got no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this. 10 days of email-only contact with a 4 and a 5 year old....it doesn't sound right in my opinion. That's also far too long for them to have no contract with their mum :( it sounds incredibly tough.

That sounds incredibly tough on both you, and your boys.

Try and make the best of your Christmas with the girls. How old are they? If very young, could you perhaps "save" Christmas, and have it when the boys are back with you?

Do you think your ex will relent on the no contact if the boys keep pestering to speak to mum?

Hi, No relenting from him sadly I sent an email but got no reply. I've been keeping busy.

We decided to have a Christmas when the boys gets back so we will be having two!

I'm determined not to let it spoil things. But next year I'll be treating him the same as they will be at home. Even if I let him have contact them he wouldn't the year after so I'm going to be petty!