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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you feel that you have a purpose in life?

63 replies

Afternooninthepark · 21/12/2019 11:15

For sometime I feel as though I am just drifting in life with no real sense of purpose or reason.
I’m 46 and never really had any major ambition (which I deeply regret now as I realise now that I would have loved to have had a career).
Until a year ago I had been a SAHM for 10 years. I now work part time for a disabled lady and next year will also help look after my mum. She has Alzheimer’s and dad needs a couple of days to himself so I’ve offered to help (sibling works full-time so cant help).
It’s too late to retrain for anything, I don’t really have the funds and most of my time is taken up looking after everyone else.
AIBU to ask if this is just normal life and maybe I’m having a bit of a mid life crisis? Do any of you feel that you have a sense of purpose? If you do what is it that gives you that feeling of purpose and contentment?

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 21/12/2019 12:14

Oh god! Step away from the SM
It’s poison

And there are all kinds of help you can get to do courses. Volunteering is free.

Make a list of things you care about in the world. Things you enjoy doing and start from there.

Your main purpose in life is to actually enjoy as much of it as you can.

Khione · 21/12/2019 12:15

If you do a degree you can get a full loan to cover the cost of the degree and living expenses.

You will only pay back if you earn over a certain amount and then it is a percentage of your earning over that amount so although technically you will have a debt unless you earn a good salary you will never have to pay it back and it is cancelled after 30 years, if you get disability benefits or when you die so it isn't a debt to worry about.

MatildaTheCat · 21/12/2019 12:16

Sounds to me as if you already do plenty of helping. Maybe add something to your life that will bring pleasure? I don’t work anymore after a meaningful career but have purpose I guess in my family, pets, learning an instrument, my garden, art and my many friends. Also exercise as a means to managing a health problem.

Set some goals? Learn a new skill, read some great books or watch great films? All have purpose, especially if they are shared with other people who can talk about the activity.

putastrawunderbaby · 21/12/2019 12:16

I think your "purpose" changes throughout your life as you learn and grow into who you are. Taking time to reflect is really valuable and this time of year, with New Year around the corner, is a time when those thoughts seem to surface. There's something about late 40s that makes you re-evaluate too imho. I personally think that connecting to what makes you feel happy and fulfilled is what will bring a sense of purpose, and it's okay if that looks different to other people's choices.

CaptSkippy · 21/12/2019 12:21

Yeah, college is damn expensive.

However, it doesn't have to be a formal degree. There are so many free courses you can follow online and on any topic there are good books and websites available. If formal training is not an option, you can still acquire skills and knowlegde in anything that interests you.

Oblomov19 · 21/12/2019 12:37

My purpose?
To do as little as physically possible!
That is seriously my goal! Grin

In between working part time, washing both ds's football kits etc, I honestly try to sit in my chair in the lounge and do as little as possible!

Jenpop234 · 21/12/2019 12:45

You're going to be working age for another 22 years so plenty of time to get a rewarding career if you want to. Otherwise, try volunteering.

APomInOz · 21/12/2019 12:49

Of course you have a purpose!
You are amazing and you are needed, not just by your family, but people you meet, even fleetingly. You have an impact but you don't always know it. That's why we should always live our best lives ❤️

jamoncrumpets · 21/12/2019 12:51

I'm a carer to my autistic DS and SAHM to him and his sister. This year we got his diagnosis and I had to go through hell to sort out schooling for DS, which took a lot of admin, research and effort.

DH had a very successful year, careerwise, with a lot of projects paying off and recognition.

We consider both of us to have had purposeful, stressful and successful years.

Next year will be more of the same for me, and probably for at least another 2-3 years until DC2 is school age. Then I might go back to uni p/t and get the MA I've wanted to do forever. I am lucky that DH's salary supports this, and know this.

WobblyAllOver · 21/12/2019 12:54

No purpose at all and don't really feel as if I need one. I just enjoy being me.

septembersunshine · 21/12/2019 12:57

Op, I think you need a shake up. I would write a bucket list of everything you want to do (ranging from places in the world to visit to pursuing interests) and then just work towards each one. Also, look at adult ed courses at the local collages (evenings or weekends). Its been nearly a year since I started going to a writing group once a month. Met new cool people, I am inspired, have new goals, new social life (pub open mic nights!) etc... so maybe its not about having a career has such its about rediscovering who you are, finding some exciting new path.

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/12/2019 12:58

I have a job I love and one that enables me to make a difference to people. I also volunteer, doing something really important to me that also enables me to do something really meaningful and important to others.

I have two wonderful children and they are obviously the main focus on my life and being a good mother to them is very important to me.

But do I have a purpose to my life? I don’t even know what that means really? I just go through my days, doing what I’m doing and as long as I’m happy and those around me are too, then I’m happy with how my life is turning out for me.

Dr1v1ngh0meforxxxmas · 21/12/2019 13:06

I know a couple of people that have retrained to be teachers in their late 40s/50s

Acciocats · 21/12/2019 13:07

I’m not sure it’s helpful to think in terms of having a single, overriding Purpose ... I think we’re all here to live as positive a life as we can With the hand we’re dealt.

So basically, it’s about showing kindness and care towards others and learning as much as we can about ourselves and the world because it’s by knowing ourselves and seeking to advance our knowledge and skills that we have more to give.

I think it helps to feel more purposeful if we demonstrate kindness towards a wider circle than just our immediate family. I work in education which makes it easier to be aware of what I’m giving on a wider scale, as well as my role of being a mum.

From the sounds of it OP you feel frustrated that you haven’t yet explored various skills and strengths you have. It’s never too late!

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 21/12/2019 13:07

I have a solid career but my family and enjoying life (holidays, lunches out, exercise ect) is what I gets me through. I guess I have no purpose but I love my life!

Dr1v1ngh0meforxxxmas · 21/12/2019 13:10

I write a list every January of the things that I wish to do
Some of the longer goals roll onto the next year/s

I understand that you have some caring duties. If you are only working part time, what are your plans for pension/retirement ?

speak2me · 21/12/2019 13:13

I'm 34 and been a SAHM for 7 years so far. No intention to go back to work in near future. I wouldn't say I have a 'purpose' as such, but I do a few things which make me feel better about myself/useful/important/make life meaningful for want of a better word. I volunteer, with one charity I have done this since I was 16. This has been continuous throughout my life so far and gives me a sense of belonging, and whilst it's not paid work, it is providing something which gives me satisfaction. I have also volunteered for various other shorter term positions in a different area (maybe in 2-4 year chunks). I have hobbies which are useful - specific crafts, which I make things for myself and my family and can improve on, giving me a drive to improve and further myself. Also a recent sporting hobby which has really improved my mental health and given me more goals to set for myself and to work towards.
I think I need something to drive me, for some this is a career to work towards but at the moment its my hobbies and volunteering and I'm happy with that.

SpamChaudFroid · 21/12/2019 13:23

Yes, I was thinking this the other day, actually. I feel my purpose is to stay as close to the natural personality and state of being I had, as a child, sans the hurt and emotional damage I have experienced along the way. To heal from what life threw at me as best I can and be as loving and happy as the child I was. And not let life embitter me.

^^ I only realised this recently, and it's very powerful.

Trills · 21/12/2019 13:28

To me it feels odd to expect to have a purpose in life.

It seems like the sort of thing you could only believe in if you were in some way religious and believed that a higher power had set that purpose.

I might have goals, but not "a purpose". I am not "put here on this earth" for any particular reason.

Shit (including my existence) just happens.

Original poster
Afternooninthepark · 21/12/2019 13:57

Thanks all. I am going to reflect, list my goals and strengths and work towards something for next year.

OP posts:
ragged · 21/12/2019 16:45

One day at a time, OP. Every day I pay my taxes & don't live homeless on the streets is a good day.

I'm not quite yet 55yo so not quite decided what I want to do when I grow up, yet.

SM is good resource for me. It has nothing to do with my purpose in life, though.

LilyJade · 21/12/2019 18:27

As we only have one life my purpose is to be happy as possible & to help others to have a good quality of life.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 21/12/2019 18:33

Sounds like you are a very caring person OP and your purpose is to help others Flowers. I feel as though my purpose is to keep my head above water and always has been and that i am a total waste of body parts.

museumum · 21/12/2019 18:36

I don’t have a “purpose” as such, I thought only vicars and such like had a true life calling. I have a career I love that’s rewarding and brings happiness to others, but I also try to balance that with my family (young dc) and I get joy (though again no particular purpose) from getting out in nature in the mountains.

Are you sure that what you need is “purpose”? Maybe a goal? Run a 10k or something??

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 21/12/2019 19:00

I recently realised I have very little career ambition. I am not lazy, I have always worked and am a conscientious employee, and have done pretty well job-wise, considering. But i have no desire for promotion, don't really have any major career goals I want to accomplish - and I'm not sure I ever have.

I lost my Dad unexpectedly when I was very young which I think is a factor. I guess I've always been aware of the fragility of life and view work merely as a means to an end, rather than anything significant. The best thing about work is having nice colleagues. But if I won the lottery tomorrow I would quit without any hesitation - I know I would fill the time happily, there are charities I'd like to volunteer for, skills I'd like to learn, people I'd like to spend more time with....

Now I'm a Mum, my sense of purpose is absolutely doing my best for DS, who is on the spectrum. My sole goal is to give him a happy, secure upbringing and equip him with the things he needs to be able to manage independently in the world as an adult.

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