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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to think this needs raising at school?

26 replies

Staycalmandscream · 20/12/2019 18:24

My DD (yr6) broke up for Christmas today.

Tonight she told me they were making festive cards earlier today & she was chatting with another girl about how she makes 1 for me and 1 for her DSis as her father isn't around (because others making 2 cards were doing 1 for mum 1 for dad).

A boy overheard and asked her if she was easily offended. She said no (saving face & out of curiosity what he was driving at).

He then said 'your dad's not around because he's in jail for [a crime attacking women, can't post the actual words he used] and you were conceived as an accident'.

WTF. Yr6.

(FWIW this is not true, her father was a nob who cheated on me while pregnant with our 2nd child, which should be a crime but isn't. For all his faults he's not guilty of this & my DD was planned, as was her sister.)

Anyways... my DD then immediately said to me I can't tell school or she'll not tell me stuff again. She knows what he said is very wrong as she whispered the key words etc so her DSis didn't hear.

My instinct is that this is one of those things that must be raised, a line has been crossed. It's an appalling thing to say true or not, it's hurtful to her, me & her sister. If he says it to others this is how rumours begin. If he says it about someone else they could be really affected if they bottle it up or have doubts about their background. He's a bright boy so will have understood what he meant. But I don't want my DD to hide things in future either.

AIBU to raise this at school in Jan despite my DD asking me not to? WWYD?

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 20/12/2019 18:27

He's probably just repeating something he heard bit it's definitely an awful thing to say and I don't think you'd be ott to bring it up.

GreenTulips · 20/12/2019 18:29

Reading your post, your first reaction is to justify this 10 years old words. ‘It’s not true because’ etc

All you needed to say was the boy was an idiot and and liar.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2019 18:30

He said her Dad's in jail for rape and she was conceived as a result?

I would have a quiet word with the school and tell them your DD doesn't know you've mentioned it to them.

Princess28 · 20/12/2019 18:30

Definitely raise it. When I was a child I would have thought the same as your dd but as an adult working in a school as a teacher we are far more subtle than child me gave adults credit for. It’ll be phrased as ‘somebody overheard you say’ or similar. Nasty kid won’t have been noticing who was around. He needs to learn to not say things like that. All children can be nasty (and all adults!) but it’s how we all deal with it that can stop it. Also, your dd will know you’ve got her back. Good luck!

Original poster
Staycalmandscream · 20/12/2019 19:00

Worra he didn't use that specific word, he said he was in jail for sx abse but same gist..?

OP posts:
SproutinducingFarti · 20/12/2019 19:03

I think you should tell school because this could be a safeguarding issue for the boy concerned.

VanyaHargreeves · 20/12/2019 19:05

As above, this boys home life needs examining

Ensure you report if not now, first thing after holidays.

PicaK · 20/12/2019 19:07

On the safeguarding side for the boy in question (inappropriate sexualised language etc) I would report to school.
For your daughter I'd cuddle, downplay, says its not correct and how proud you are she shares things with you. You can sincerely promise you are not wanting to get this boy in trouble. But for her I'd leave it at that.

HugoSpritz · 20/12/2019 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/12/2019 19:11

by year 6 I expect kids to be reading newspapers either physically or online. My first guess would be he’s read up on things online that are perhaps too mature for his understanding. If your DD doesn’t want to tell then you could arm her with how to protect herself in the future — for example not sharing personal / family stuff with non-friends, giving her the confidence to say ‘don’t be so silly’ when someone is blatantly wrong like this kid is, and telling her it’s ok to walk away or tell the teacher to ask to be moved if someone is making her feel comfortable.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/12/2019 19:12

uncomfortable!

northernknickers · 20/12/2019 19:17

Why can't you say (or even type, it would appear!!) sexual abuse? It's not something that can't be talked about! In fact the opposite, actually! Words (and the understanding of them) give us power. Power to communicate effectively. Use your words OP ffs!

And yes...speak to the school (using adult words!). The boy in this scenario may be vulnerable, so this needs flagging.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2019 19:22

I agree with PPs btw. You need to be able to type and say these words OP.

If God forbid anything happened to your DDs, or they were worried about friends of theirs and sexual abuse, they need to be able to use these words, as do you.

Original poster
Staycalmandscream · 20/12/2019 19:25

Hugo and others...

I have no issue talking openly with my DD. She whispered because she didn't want her younger sister to hear, as I think I said.

I didn't write sex abuse because I tried to start this thread umpteen times and kept getting an error message, so I assumed it was because certain words were banned! Must've been a glitch.

Nice that some people's first reaction is to blame me for the whole event, perhaps check your facts first in future.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/12/2019 19:31

Check what 'facts'? Confused

MNetters can't mind dread. They didn't know you thought swearing was banned, because you've only just said that.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2019 19:31

*read

lavenderlemonade · 20/12/2019 19:41

Agree with pp that you should report - red flags going up that he's using this sort of language in a jokey context, hints towards something at home - even if it's just being allowed to watch inappropriate content for his age. Raise it with the school but make sure you mention your daughter doesn't want to be put in the spotlight about it.

I'm sorry you're daughter had to hear it but she sounds very sensible in telling you and I'm sure it won't have any long term impact.

Chocolatelover45 · 20/12/2019 19:43

I think you should raise it. Ask them to keep your daughter out of it. But it's not acceptable for anyone to say this. There's nothing sinister about someone 's dad not being around.

GreenTulips · 20/12/2019 19:43

by year 6 I expect kids to be reading newspapers either physically or online. My first guess would be he’s read up on things online that are perhaps too mature for his understanding

Right. Nothing to do with them playing 18 very video games then?

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2019 19:45

Who knows GreenTuplips?

It could be anything from the news, to video games, to TV programmes, films or teenage siblings/cousins and their friends.

Hopefully it will come to light if the OP has a word with the school.

Original poster
Staycalmandscream · 20/12/2019 20:00

Thanks for all the viewpoints. I have no adult to discuss this over with so it's really useful seeing it from different angles.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 20/12/2019 20:14

Email school. Say your dd wishes about not speaking personally but that you think some pshe input for a class would be useful.

When my ds was year 6 there was a very public rape case surrounding a footballer and a year 6 las told him I'd rape him when he got home. My ds is autistic and doesn't always understand and so had no idea what he said he was awful.

I emailed school and said it needed addressing, clearly they are watching news and not understanding and if it happened again I'd be going to social services for safeguarding against that child because clearly this is over sexualised language.

School did try and brush it off but I stood firm. Afaik nothing of the like was ever said again.

bridgetreilly · 20/12/2019 20:22

I would tell school, but you also need to explain to your daughter why (a) she was right to tell you and (b) why you need to tell the school (so they can check whether the boy needs any help) and (c) it won't be cause any problems for her and she's not in any trouble. Don't let her blackmail you into keeping it secret. You are the adult and you need to decide what will happen, not her.

Pinkblueberry · 20/12/2019 20:30

That’s an awful and disgusting thing to say. As a teacher - I would definitely want to know if a child in my class said something like that so it can be addressed. Talking about rape and children being conceived as a result and using that as a means to make someone upset/ uncomfortable is quite concerning. As a mum - if my son ever said something like that I’d also definitely want to know so I could give him the bollocking if a lifetime.

billy1966 · 20/12/2019 20:42

@Pinkblueberry

Exactly 👍

Shocking thing to say. Extremely unpleasant.

Imagine if a child felt unable to share that with their parent.

Just awful. I would be very cross.

He needs reporting.
💐

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