To be convinced this isn't autism

[Confusedmum1511]

My DS is 5 and has always had a limbo of ASD or not. I want out of the system and he has some assessments coming up I want to be confident cancelling.

Bits do fit:

Dislikes change
Routine driven
Sensory issues
Poor imaginative play
Prefers adult company to peer company
Prone to meltdowns which are horrendously violent

But things that don't fit make me think ASD must be ruled otu:

Recognises emotions such as happy, sad, angry so age appropriate (chooses not to care)
Very socialable (overly so)
Does respond to name and conversation initian on his terms
Can confidently do all 4 blank levels so obviously has good inference and perspective abilities (just chooses not to care)

Would I be unreasonable to be satisfied it's not ASD and therefore cancel the appointments?

That's interesting Penguin as Sendiass have told us that the school need to have spent £6000 and have to prove what they have spent it on. They have said that is part of the EHCP process.

When I queried with the school about us having to pay for support they said that they only have budget for those pupils with EHCPs and those on SEN support get nothing. They said they would be sending us a bill in the post. I'm not sure what would happen if we didn't pay it. I would be worried that they would take legal action against us. I don't understand why we are expected to pay to support Ds in school. Things are hard enough as it is.

There is a major problem with some region’s SENDIAS being in the pockets of the LA, or simply badly trained. You’re far better sticking with IPSEA or SOSSEN as they truly are independent and are run by lawyers.

Until we get some sort of answer I think I just am at the point where I feel my son hates me and that's the only necessary explanation.

He doesn't hate you. You are his safe place, a place where he knows he can be himself, and where he knows he is loved, regardless of his behaviour. He trusts you in that he knows you will not leave him, or love him any less.

Keep fighting for him.

"Because he's been in a grey area of the system since 2 and I'm exhausted with the uncertainty and would like ASD ruled out so I can focus on the real cause that my child enjoys hurting me"

Then go and if it is ruled out you can push for other assessments.
Autism comes in many guises, and doesnt fit into the boxes you stated.
The earlier his problems are sorted, the quicker you both can get help to make noth your lives easier.

I doubt you can move on to investigating any other diagnosis until ASD was ruled out.
It's all in stages. You can't miss out stage 1.
IMO ( Lots of ASD experience ) I would not rule out ASD.

You meet one child with autism and you've met one child with autism.

Punxsutawney what the school (assuming it is a state school) is wrong and unlawful.

Ask them to put in writing anything that they have said about not receiving any money for him and particularly about you having to pay for it/ being billed. If they don't do this send them an email that gives a written account of the conversation you have had with them.
Then apply yourself for an EHCP and include their responses and your email as evidence.

OP you sound so sad. I promise you that getting your DS assessed can only be a positive thing, regardless of the outcome.

My DS1 used to have the most horrific meltdowns and was extremely violent, especially towards DS2. The school did substantially less than bugger all to support us (including accusing me of lying and paranoia) and eventually we moved schools and out of the area. DS1 finally got his ASD dx aged 9 and a half. A year or so later he moved to a special school, where he’s thriving. He is now 14 and earlier this year he also received a dx of a somewhat obscure type of ADHD, even though he’s outwardly about as hyperactive as a tired sloth. He is now on medication and the positive change in him is astonishing.

I just want to say OP that it really is worth persevering, to help you and your DS go forwards positively and be able to (hopefully) access any support you need.

When I queried with the school about us having to pay for support they said that they only have budget for those pupils with EHCPs and those on SEN support get nothing. They said they would be sending us a bill in the post. I'm not sure what would happen if we didn't pay it. I would be worried that they would take legal action against us. I don't understand why we are expected to pay to support Ds in school. Things are hard enough as it is

Please tell me this is not a state school!

Apply for an EHCP yourself, today. Templates available on the IPSEA website. If they refuse to assess, go to appeal. Try and book a call with IPSEA for advice, or try the SOS SEN helpline.

Confusedmum1511

"Just received his latest peads report. I definitely need to pursue this as hard as it is"

I am glad you are going to pursue this and sorry it is so stressful.

As others have said, a diagnosis won't change your child, yout and your child will simply be better able to access some sort of support.

"I think it's because I have failed to teach him to not be violent and have accidently taught him that it is ok to attack me. I don't think my child likes me, I honestly don't and now he just sees red when he sees me."

You really need professional help with this. Whether or not he is diagnosed as on the spectrum or not you need to access Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, speak to the people doing the accessment and the GP.

Ask about a course that will explain safe restraint methods.

Ask about how to keep yourself and any other children safe and how to begin to understand why your child does this.

Sometimes (especially at age 8) my daughter would act like she hated me, was angry with me, but still wanted to be close to me.

Even now at 15 she sits on my lap sometimes (taller than me!) But she speaks to me so rudely!

She struggles to understand the impact of her words!

Sink it is a state school. They have been dreadful but Ds is in year 11 now and we are just hanging on. They really don't care and Ds has had the most awful time there.

Intually they refused to refer him for assessment but then did agree when we pushed. They also refused to give him an SEN plan until they had an actual letter confirming his diagnosis, which took 15 months from referral. We have spent the whole of his school life dealing with the meltdowns and him being unable to cope with no intervention from school at all. I can't understand why he's been ignored for so long because within a minute of meeting him it's absolutely obvious he's on the spectrum.

The whole experience of education has broken him. He has had name calling, been physically hurt, had his possessions damaged and stolen, had his clothes scribbled on and food thrown at him. Even had teachers mock him a couple of times.

Now he needs support they are refusing. I do have an email from the Senco stating that they won't pay but Sendiass have told us it's a 'grey area', They have also said an EHCP would take a long time so probably not worth it now either.

Ds has been failed by the education system but also by us too. I should have pursued an autism assessment and support way before now.

An EHCP is worth pursing even now Punxsutawney. It will last until he is 25. It will help him in further education.

My son has been failed by the education system as well. He is in year 8 and I am now paying (An eye watering amount of money) for independent specialist reports. So eye opening and totally worth it to explain him and his needs.

Don't give up, they might have failed him but you haven't.

My son has severe autism. He went through a phase of lashing out physically (biting etc) mainly at me.
Usually because he was overwhelmed and frustrated and didn't know how to calm himself down- he was looking to me for help and didn't know how to express it.

Might be worth giving him a fidget toy/chew to bite/squeeze to divert from you?
Now when it happens he grabs me and physically asks for a massive hug.

Good thing during assessment is that you can ask tons of questions re support, calling methods, exercise etc.

Confusedmum1511 could your son be very anxious about school and trying to get out of school? Over stimulated by crowds in shops and having sensory issues?

Could you explore things like home delivery and limit shopping trips to quieter, less busy times?

Can you find 'your' thing to do together, games etc or a craft where you connect together. Don't feel bad to bribe him/incentivise him with a reward like sweets or computer time after 'your' time.

My younger son is adopted and dd is on the spectrum. We had issues with them really not getting on especially about 2.5 years ago and got help. We got it from post adoption services, wgich I know are not open to everyone.

They were good, but basically they encourage us, listen, suggested games night, building connections, using rewards to get better behaviour (works better than punishments) all of it not rocket science but just stuff we need reminding of, as busy parents.

It is certainly not all about parenting at all but I did many, many parenting courses in an aim to better understand my child! The best was 'Family Links Nurturing Course'. A parenting course won't instantly change your child but may give you tools and support.

They may run during school hours and have a creche for younger kids. If you work full time your work may have a scheme to allow staff members a set amount of time off to do study per year. I work for a charity and we get time off to do community work.

Course was about 8 or 10 weeks, just one morning a week and made a massive difference. It is based around the book The Parenting Puzzle.

You can buy the book

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Puzzle-Guide-Transforming-Family/dp/0954470907?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

But when I did the course (for free) I got the book for free too.

I got referred by school, I think, through the schools link worker.

The course is not specifically for those on the spectrum or for adopted children. However, because it is child-focused it is very good for these types of children (who do not respond well to the 'Super Nanny' approach!). As well as being good for all other kids too.

www.familylinks.org.uk/what-we-do

That’s absolute nonsense. In some children (especially girls) it doesn’t even present until much later when social interaction becomes more sophisticated