To be struggling with DHs son?

[DobieMom81]

DHs eldest son is 22 years old. For the past couple of years he has got into the habit of ignoring DH for months at a time and then suddenly appearing back on the scene on special occasions with no word about why he’s been ignoring him for months.
This year has been the worst. We saw him at Christmas (as DH insists on doing a birthday party for him every year, despite the fact that none of our other kids get one). He then ignored DH until Father’s Day when he “agreed” to visit ... again DH rolls out the red carpet and the day was all about DSS. Since then, we’ve not heard a word from him. He’s ignored all DHs messages, blanked him completely, ignored DHs birthday, not even a text ... nothing. It’s been over 6 months now with no word.

Earlier this week DH asked his younger son if he wanted to go to cinema this weekend. The eldest was asked by younger son if he wanted to go and sent a message through DSS2 that “sure, I’ll come along”. Still no word to DH!! So all of a sudden after 6 months of ignoring him, a free cinema trip comes up and DSS is willing to grace us with his presence again. I know I’m being unreasonable as DH is just excited to see him again but I’m struggling with my feelings on him. Again the whole weekend will be dedicated to DSS, special food, nibbles and alcohol will be bought as though it’s a huge special occasion ...

Obviously I’m not going to voice any of this to DH and ruin it for him but I’m starting to actively dislike DSS 😞 when he arrives he mopes about, is racist and says inappropriate shit, rips the piss out of people on tv for being fat or “chavvy” etc ... is constantly negative and moody and I just struggle with it.

I’ll keep out of the way. AIBVU?

Back story is crucial

There isn’t a back story ... I’m not the OW, weekly contact continued indefinitely ... no arguments, no changes ... we took them to New York a few years ago and it seemed to be after that that DSS started distancing himself from DH but no word as to why!

Your poor husband!

My brothers a bit like this with my dad.
He'll completely ignore him on birthdays,
Christmas's, Father's Day. It's so sad. It really upsets my dad, and I assume it upsets your DH too.

My SM just supports my dad on it. If he's upset, she'll be his shoulder to cry on. If he's excited, she'll roll out the red carpet too. She's actually a really fantastic lady.
I think all you can do is be there for DH too.

How long have you been together and how old was he when you went to NY?
Is he a bit of a mommy's boy?
Maybe he held out hope that his parents would get back together and the trip made him realise how happy you and DH are.

The prodigal son returns and his father has a party and a fatted calf! I actually feel for the other children vs your mug of a husband

I’d mention your concerns once and then leave it, perhaps the younger stepson knows the reason

Sometimes the young can be very selfish.
Its more from not thinking and still developing empathy though.
Give him time.
Im late twenties and feel ashamed when i look back but I was like this from 18-22ish after leaving home. I was in an abusive relationship and i just didnt think, and was secure in my parents love for me.
I hope they (and step parents) knew that i still loved them deeply and thought about them often.

Can you talk to your husband and see how he feels? I agree - all you can do is support him as ultimately he's an adult and if he wants to let his son treat him like a mug it's up to him

It's just his age. He isn't ignoring you as such, just getting on with life and not bothering about niceties like keeping in touch.
It's a shame your husband is getting upset about it.

If he doesn't live with his mother, or when he moves out from home I expect she (will) receive the same lack of attention.

Has it always been like this?

One thing that doesn't make him sound really bad, is that he contacts his dad on special days to him.. dad's birthday and father's day.

So he obviously has his dad on his mind at those times.

I find that sometimes parents despite loving their children, don't actually know who they are as individuals.

The older a child gets, it's possible they just feel they have nothing to say to a parent and they can't be bothered with small talk.

Things like how often dad spends with DC following a break up are relevant too. It's also not just time, but quality time and bonding...which a fair amount of parents don't really understand.

I reiterate that it's not about loving your child... or rolling out the red carpet..but it is the quality of the actual parent child relationship.

My sd11 is like this. For 5 years, I treated her like a daughter. She came to us eow and one day in the weekend, she always had a great time, we were very close and she was always the apple of dhs eye.

Then, literally the day she started secondary school, she decided that she was not going to see dh anymore. No explanation given. When he messaged her she sent back nasty messages saying she wished he was dead. She completely blanked him when he dropped off her brothers, my dss's, after contact. We were both heartbroken. It even hurt to look at her picture.

Then after 4 months, she messaged and asked to meet us in the park. We had a lovely morning, she was bright and happy. Since then though silence again. Not responding to dh messages and acting like he's dead to her again.

I know how mentally draining it is, and how angry you must feel on his behalf. My sd has always been a selfish girl, unwilling to compromise. Was your ss like that as a child? Also, what is his relationship like with his mother? My sd dm has always been so horrible about dh and encourages the dc to be disrespectful to him.

Yanbu. Although your attitude towards your dss could be improved. Your dss is making his own way in life by the sounds of it and only wants to see his dad for the good times. That's standard it very normal. Maybe you should roll the ted carpet out instead of dh. Have a good catch up and a good time. Also it's normal for children biological and non biological to become ignorant when they leave home. I haven't seen my dss for 7 months although he invited himself here for Xmas dinner this year. It's standard.

I'm sorry but unless the relationship has always been sour, or there is unresolved childhood issues, I don't think it is normal to go 7 months without contacting your father in any way. How depressing.

DH needs to discuss with him. And consider whether his own communication style is similar, as young adults can understandably emulate.

I worked with seasonairs in the holiday industry and saw many young people like this. Give them time. And if you don,t see him often then you can well at least it,s only a couple of times a year.