feel hopeless and lonely

[ballerinakatrina]

I am really lonely and struggling.

I am in my early 20s, living at home because I cannot afford at the minute whilst studying to live away. I have completely fucked up my last year of Uni, because of PTSD and have to sit exams this coming April. My coursemates graduated today, which is obviously making me quite sad. I did well in all aspects of the course (Distinction) aside from this one assessment which i missed because of flashbacks on the day (fucking devastated).

Parent's house is stressful to be in, a pressure cooker. Literally every day there's a massive shouting argument which makes my anxiety worse. My dad is an alcoholic, and I have to "keep out of his way" after about 6pm. My mum is passive and enables his criticism of me. It's like being a kid again, where everything I do is wrong. I spend the time here trying to drown out arguing and keep myself to myself. Not good for disassociation symptoms.

Anyway. I am working in retail to try and save for a room in a house share. I am trying all the things the therapist tells me to do - socialise, exercise etc., but I am finding it really disheartening. I have reached out to quite a few people to arrange coffee/lunch/anything and they say they will get back to me, but they never do.

My best friend had a birthday recently, and she didn't invite me to the party. She didn't give an explanation why.

My other friend said she would do something with me NYE so I had something to do. But she got back with her boyfriend and now says she can't do anything. Fair enough.

I met up with an abusive ex at the weekend because I was so lonely. Ended up sleeping together, and now, predictably he isn't speaking that much to me.

I feel pathetic - 24, with no friends, no boyfriend, no life, a fucked up Masters degree and living with mum and dad.

Does it get better? How do I drag myself from this rut?

Yes it gets better. You are so young (I know you don't think so but you are)!

I also have an alcoholic father and i left home young as a result.

You could post re your finances and we could perhaps help you improve them so you could move out?

Are you involving yourself in social events at uni? Or are you sticking to your old friend circle?

One assessment needing to be redone is not a big deal and it sounds like you're otherwise doing well on your course - which is it? What are you hoping to do after uni?

You're in a negative atmosphere at home and finding uni stressful and this is THE worst time of year for mental wellbeing for pretty much everyone! I'm certainly struggling even more than usual!

This will NOT always be the case, you'll leave home, likely thrive in a more positive living environment, complete uni (with top marks by sounds of things or not far off!), get a job and then you'll be meeting more people with similar interests and outlook to yourself.

One of those people may well turn out to be your life partner.

There will be downs too - that's life - but I really don't think it'll be as bad as things are now for you.

Living with an addict is incredibly stressful and depressing and even frightening/dangerous so the sooner you're out of that situation the better.

Glad you have a therapist do you feel they're a good one? Have you considered something like al-anon? Might be helpful.

And of course post here - there's quite a few of us have alcoholic parents and have been where you are and know how hard it is.

Wow OP it really sounds like you're doing amazingly well. You should stop a minute and be proud of how you're managing a difficult situation. It also sounds like you're being proactive in getting out of the bad living situation and that the end is within sight. You're also seeing a therapist and taking positive steps in all aspects of your life. I don't know if this will help but in terms of managing situations I can't immediately change I find meditation helps I use the app "calm" and do 10 minutes a day. Just helps to keep me relaxed and positive. Good luck going forward OP.

I am so sorry you are having a bad time of it. Once uni is completed, it may be an idea to go abroad for 6months - a year. There is a huge demand for English teachers in asia, especially graduates. There are also many native english speaking jobs available in Europe, not always the best paid but this way you are in a new environment, you will meet people who are in a new place to and looking to meet friends, and it will give you a new perspective. Also if possible, going to a gym or exercise class in the evening may help to get you out of your parents house and in a different environment.

It doesn’t sound like you fucked up your masters, more you are a bit behind.

This time of year amplifies any feeling of loneliness by a thousand.