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AIBU?

Argh.... wwyd about this?

24 replies

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 22:16

My partner has 2 kids, his dd is 12. I have 2 dds 11 and 13.

His dd has been tricky, for a long time refused to meet up with us and would make herself scarce if I was around. Since getting to know my dds its been easier but its still tricky and im never sure about how to best handle such a delicate situation. I know she has also been difficult around her mums new partner, demanding he go home before she arrives back from her Dads etc.

So my current predicament. We arranged to see a movie tmrw. Been arranged and mentioned weekly. My dds have asked to bring friends and ive said no because i wouldn't want partners dd to feel uncomfortable or outnumbered. Tonight my partner says his dd wants to go out with her friends tmrw and when he asked about movie she said she forgot and then that she doesn't want to go.

If it were my 12 yo I'd say we've made plans sorry, it would be rude and inconsiderate to break plans at the last minute ....but that's me. I know dp hates upsetting her and she will be depending on that.

Aibu to feel a bit annoyed... my dd will be pretty disappointed and tbh i will too. On the other hand i know she is 12 and no doubt just wants her uncomplicated life back pre divorce....

OP posts:

Report

GreenTulips · 19/12/2019 22:18

Give your DDs friends DH and DSD tickets

Problem solved.

Bessica1970 · 19/12/2019 22:21

Why will they be disappointed? Will you not still go anyway? Let her go out with her friends, and you guys go to the cinema - sorted!

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 22:21

Its more than that though. Its about learning to be considerate and not mess people about.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 22:22

Youngsters do make arrangements and forget them, all the time. I wouldn't read too much into it, she doesn't want to go anyway so why does it matter? You can still go and take someone else in her place if you want.

I think I might feel the same as your partner's daughter in her position. It takes time to get over parents moving on with other people.

You say your partner has two children, how old is the other one?

yorkshiregodscountry · 19/12/2019 22:22

She's 12 of course she wants to be with her mates and not any parents.

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 22:23

They'll be disappointed because it was arranged that we were going together and they were looking forward to it.

OP posts:

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 22:24

The other one is much younger and a boy.

OP posts:

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 19/12/2019 22:35

Your partner needs not to tread on eggshells. Rude is rude and you cannot be held hostage by a twelve year old . You go ahead with your plans and let your kids use the tickets for their mates.

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 22:44

Too late to invite mates and we are going to them, where dp lives and we all have dinner together on a Friday so would be tricky to organise with mates tbh.

Disappointing.....

Just different approaches to parenting i guess. I am pretty relaxed with my dc in lots of ways but I'm pretty firm about good manners.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 19/12/2019 22:45

Go see the movie, take your DD's friends.

justforthisnow · 19/12/2019 22:48

Its more than that though. Its about learning to be considerate and not mess people about. if she's 12 and having to deal with her dad's new partner, and 2 daughters, her mums new partner and whatever he's bringing to the table, I reckon she's worked out exactly how to not mess people about.....

Bessica1970 · 19/12/2019 22:55

So their mates couldn’t really have gone anyway, whoever else was going! It’s not bad manners for a twelve year old to prefer going out with their friends - you’re being too precious over this.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 19/12/2019 22:56

Its more than that though. Its about learning to be considerate and not mess people about.

Well for a start that's not Op's place to worry about this and secondly OP needs to show some empathy for her. She didn't ask to have her parents' new partners foisted onto her. She's 12 and is being asked to accept new people into her family and she doesn't even get to dictate the pace. I think you need to worry more about how the poor girl's feeling and how to approach the relationship with her in general than the manners involved in a cinema trip. Your kids may find it easy to meet potential step parents. This girl evidently doesn't.

LadyAllegraImelda · 19/12/2019 22:57

YABU stop forcing yourself on her, it will only turn her more against you. It's not her job to make sure your children aren't disappointed, maybe you shouldn't have promised them.

cheesydoesit · 19/12/2019 22:59

I would cut her some slack, it does sound as though she has a lot going on to adjust to. Your DDs are close in age and if she has only a younger brother maybe she feels alone? Have you been together long?

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 23:08

We've been together just over a year.
I've totally not forced the issue. I really haven't but it was the girls who decided at the last movie they wanted to see this movie tmrw. Its been arranged for over a mnth.

Her parents haven't been together for years but i do understand that it's difficult for dc and i am sympathetic.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 19/12/2019 23:12

I would advise you to let this go. If things are already tricky, making any sort of issue out of this won’t help.

It’s not unnatural for her to prefer to spend time with her actual friends rather than your daughters.

The stuff about being considerate and manners sounds a bit made up, TBH. If one of your daughters was invited last minute to something she really wanted to do with friends, I don’t think you’d insist she came on a bog-standard family outing, just because it had been arranged first, would you?

It was nice of you to think of your partner’s daugter’s feelings when you said no to your daughters bringing friends, and I can see why that is irksome.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/12/2019 23:16

She forgot though and she's made other plans. It happens. What's the point of forcing her to be there when she'll only sulk. Just take your dds and have a lovely time just the three of you, popcorn and giggles. Teach them to be resilient to disappointment which is really so important in life and leave dh to his own parenting.

inmyshoos · 19/12/2019 23:40

Resilience to disappointment is good advice mykingdom and i will take it.

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BackforGood · 19/12/2019 23:47

You are over reacting.
She is reaching the age where obviously an offer from friends is going to be more appealing than going to see a film with parent(s) and sibling(s) even without the whole dynamic of trying to cope with changing dynamics and both her parents being in relatively new relationships.

this one isn't a battle worth fighting even if it were your own child and you were both her parents and not trying to blend two families. With all those added layers, it definitely isn't the battle to fight, or put any energy and thought into.
On a practical note, if you are driving there with your 2 dds then you could surely take a friend too, if you really wanted to. If you prefer to lose the money on the ticket, well that is fine too.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 23:48

@HeddaGarbled how are family outings once arranged optional now. Especially if biological children it would be a no we planned something as a family. Would not have dreamed to cancel on family as a teen

pallisers · 19/12/2019 23:48

Its more than that though. Its about learning to be considerate and not mess people about.

yes but it isn't your concern to instill that in her. People parent differently - this one is up to her dad. Do you really think that forcing a 12 year old to go along with her dad, his girlfriend and her 2 daughters will foster a close relationship between you all? I think her dad handled it ok. Different if she was blowing off a visit to granny or a family party or an event she asked him to book tickets for. Going out with dad's girlfriend and family is always going to be trickier and he was right to not force the point imo.

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Bluerussian · 21/12/2019 20:13

You've been together just over a year, that's really not very long at all; I'd imagined you were in a longer relationship. It's a bit too soon to expect all the children to be comfortable with a parent's new partner, at your stage most would be just getting to know them with occasional visits.

Not much you can do about the film issue though, the girl has said she doesn't want to go. Pity she didn't say so earlier and it wouldn't hurt for her dad to say that to her so she is aware that her decisions can be inconsiderate to others. However, life goes on.

sirfredfredgeorge · 21/12/2019 20:41

@HeddaGarbled how are family outings once arranged optional now

They always were, just because they weren't in your family, doesn't mean they weren't in others, by 12 you should certainly have plenty of agency to prioritise what you do, even in non blended families and certainly not be forced to accept obligations simply because they come from your fathers new partner.

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