SEN child and school

[Thenshevanishes]

My ds is in reception and has suspected SEN. This is being investigated with school and I’m finding it so hard to find people IRL that can relate to this.

The mums at school are beginning to drive me mad and I need to know if I’m being over sensitive or if I should take a step back from these people.

The things that are bothering me is one particular mum who is very intense but I thought was kind so I’ve tried to ignore some warning signs that she might be a difficult character. She knows my son is being assessed and has some aggressive behaviours that I’m working really hard with the school to sort. He has improved loads and the school always (or so I thought) tell me of any incidents.

This mum who I’ve confided in about this has now started telling me when her daughter has told her things about him and it’s making me really anxious. Apparently he was pushing and hitting them the other day but the school haven’t mentioned this so I didn’t really know what to say And I don’t know why she feels she needs to tell me, her younger son pushes sometimes but I don’t feel the need to berate her for it. Also the school usually tell me any incident so I’m not sure if it’s being exaggerated by the child. This mum has also started to tell me if my son has said anything to ‘upset’ her child but sometimes they are such minor things like asking why she doesn’t have a certain pen etc.

I said they’re all children and learning and that they all make mistakes so I tend to let school deal with things unless I’m told otherwise by his teacher. I’m just so fed up of constantly being judged by people who have no idea what it’s like and how far he’s come!! I’m feeling very isolated socially as so many parents seem to think their children are perfect and are so quick to criticise others. I do have a few friends who are lovely and don’t judge but it would be nice to have that support at the school gates too.

My child is by no means perfect, he finds a lot of things challenging and I’m getting him as much help as I can. AIBU to keep a distance from this mum? Also would love to hear from any other parents of children with SEN and how you cope with people like this. If I have a private meeting regarding his progress, parents (particularly this mum) ask why I have to go in. I just wish people would be a bit more understanding. Luckily his teacher is lovely and has been so helpful

Oh poor you, she sounds like a right busy body! I'd try to distance myself and give very vague responses and hope she gets bored.

There's a sn board on here which has lots of knowledgeable posters and seems nice and supportive.

Hope things improve for you...the school gates can be hellish regardless of sn!

Oh gosh! This woman is bonkers. I have three children, no sen, but are v tricky. Am also a teacher. First of all avoid this lady. She is nasty. I know how difficult this is. If she doesn’t get ignoring do your best to be polite but distant. Do not interact with her at all about your ds. Not to be trusted. If she then doesn’t get the message be frank. If you have any concerns about your child speak to the school.

Second be careful who you trust. There will be some excellent lovely people. Seek them out. Might take a while.

Third avoid this woman.

Sorry that at a tricky time things are being made worse by u thinking people.

Your ds is lucky to have you. He is a beautiful boy and things will be ok.

Definitely avoid her. I cope with people like this by seeing them as little as possible.

It is very hard when you feel judged by all and sundry. But try hard not to discuss your son with anyone other than those you trust. I try to remember that I have more parenting skills than those judgy parents, I have had to develop them in order to survive! It sounds as if you are really working hard to help your son.

I know this isn't hugely helpful but I personally find having as little to do with the school gates is all the better for my head and soul. She sounds absolutely dreadful. Hope things get better op

Thanks for the supportive messages. I just don’t understand why some parents think their child is perfect. I am also a teacher so I know they all have their moments. It’s upset me most as she brought it up in a way that felt like she was bringing me down. I was saying how well he was doing and actually there’d been a few incidents where other children have hurt him and he hasn’t retaliated and that there hadn’t been any incidents where he’d hurt someone for a long while and she then told me that. It didn’t feel like it was said in a helpful way at all. I think I need to just let it go. It’s almost Christmas, it’s just been a long term!!

All you can say is, oh dear, did your dc tell the teacher? If not, why not as it can't be sorted unless they do. Many things which aren't big enough to mention to the teacher at the time grow legs on the way home and turn into quite different issues. The teacher will have a threshold at which things are mentioned to you.

Sympathies OP - my DS also has SEN and although the school and most other parents have been great, we’ve had a couple of unhelpful comments (mainly from family!) The woman you describe sounds bonkers. Best thing to do is distance yourself, give short, firm but calm answers when necessary and don’t feed her obvious need for drama (e.g. “as I’ve said before, I’m aware and school are dealing with it” then walk off if she comments on your DS’s behaviours again). Good luck - you sound like a lovely mum and I’m sure your DS will do fine

Well, it’s not clear to me that she berated you. It sounds like she just told you that your child hit her child. Not at all like she’s bonkers.

You do find your tribe eventually, there will be other parents in the yard who get it, and kids your DC will gel with. I agree though, avoiding some can be quite a good idea. There's a book that I find useful, not least for its title 'Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid'. One of the few complete books I've read on recent years.

I will try that book! Thank you. I’ve been so worried about my son this term and she knows that. If I knew a parent was worried, I wouldn’t add things to their plate. In future I will tell her to speak to the teacher if she has an issue. I wasn’t there and didn’t know what happened and neither was she. I’m sure the teacher could have explained what happened and I’m sure there would have been a consequence. She’s not a teacher that ignores things.

I don't recall the OP complaining of berating from the other mum but it's the frequency and trivial nature of the complaints when it wasn't enough to warrant a teacher mentioning it

And I don’t know why she feels she needs to tell me, her younger son pushes sometimes but I don’t feel the need to berate her for it.

There.