To be dreading spending Christmas with the in-laws?!

[MegaMoolah]

I know, I know these threads are being done to death lately but I’m really dreading spending Christmas with my in laws.

DH has 2 siblings, a lovely brother who unfortunately emigrated to NZ in March and this year is spending it with his new wife’s family over there. And then SIL, who in the 7 years since I’ve been with DH has never shown me an ounce of friendliness.

MIL is all sickly sweet and pretends to like me, but after a while the odd barbed comment will start to appear (DH did warn me about her when I first met him to be fair) MIL I just don’t trust and the nicey nice act doesn’t wash with me. You can tell by the time you’re mid 30’s when someone is fake, call it gut instinct. She’ll lavish me with really expensive presents too that make me feel really uncomfortable as I know they’re just ammunition for if it ever did kick off and she can then go all wide eyed and innocent and say ‘who, me?! Of course I’m a nice person/ like you, I lavish you with all those expensive gifts.’

SIL also buys me an expensive gift which I find just odd and uncomfortable as she’s never spoken more than a few words to me in the 7 years I’ve known her and has treated me with distinct disdain half the time. I suspect it’s actually MIL who buys it and just puts her name on it, I then have to make a big show of being SO grateful and saying thank you to someone who just sits there giving me evils, urgh.

FIL is a nice enough man but I don’t think he can really be bothered with the get togethers as he tends to just be grumpy and not really speak much. SIL is also his ‘princess’ and he makes a big thing of fawning and fussing over her (despite the fact she’s 32) and then beams round the room at everyone for agreement about how lovely she is and how proud of her he is and everyone duly nods along enthusiastically whilst I sit there wanting to puke.

Last year was fine as we hosted at ours for the first year and I had all my family there, it was on my territory so I didn’t get that usual feeling of intimidation and unease. This year though we’re having our new kitchen diner put in and the house is chaos at the moment. My family are going to my brother’s wife’s family as they all get on pretty well. FIL hasn’t been well this year so understandably he wants to spend it with his family.

Our families just do Christmas very different too, mine like to have a few drinks, we put music on and play games most of the evening etc. In laws just like to sit around nursing 1 or 2 glasses of wine the entire day, staring at each other and SIL’s kids. There is no adult conversation or games or anything. They literally sit in the living room for 7 hours just oohing and ahhhing over SIL and her children. If the conversation is turned around to any subject other than SIL’s children she’ll get stony faced and shout over whoever is talking and the turn the conversation back to her and her children. And people duly oblige! That’s why BIL is so good as although he’s never said anything bad about his sister (and I wouldn’t expect him to) I think he feels my plight and sympathises with it as he’ll often say ‘Sorry Mega, what were you saying?’ And re-start the conversation.

DH just doesn’t really notice anything, he also hates thinking bad of his family. His sister did pointedly ignore me in front of him though earlier this year and he finally admitted that no, she wasn’t ever that friendly towards me. He asked her if she had an issue with me and she apparently started crying saying that of course she doesn’t and she’s upset both him and I think that she does.

She reigned the scowling and dirty looks in a bit for a while and actually even attempted some conversation once, but all that was short lived and she’s now gone back to her usual self. I sent one of her DC a birthday present in the post not so long ago, which was blatantly from me as DH had already given the child a present from him, it’s just this child is obsessed with a certain kids tv show and I saw some bits related to it so thought I’d stick them in the post. I messaged SIL on said child’s birthday to wish her a happy birthday, nothing. Not even an acknowledgement of the text or a thank you for the present. In fact my last 2 texts have gone ignored and I just can’t be fucked anymore. DH says so long as she is civil towards me and says hello etc that’s all he can really ask of her, and I get that, but it just means that time spent in his family’s company is often not a very nice experience for me. I try and only see them now once or twice a year when I can’t avoid it, but even those times are just bleurgh.

I’ve never been anything but nice and polite to these people, I always take an interest in their lives etc and try and forge relationships for the sake of DH but I just feel like I’m having to be nice to people that don’t really like me and ordinarily I wouldn’t even entertain people if I thought they didn’t like me, I just wouldn’t have them in my life.

So this is just a vent really as I’m dreading Christmas this year and am hoping I may have some allies on here who are feeling the same!

Ask dh for a headset and zone out!! Look rude? So fuck!!

The trouble is he is very close to his family

Can he really not see how rude his sister is being to you?

Or does she do it when he’s out of the room?

It is easy because my DP won't have me treated like shit by anyone in his family, their behaviour has caused him to take a massive step back from them and literally sees them twice a year (at a push).
I won't be abused by anyone for the sake of family and thankfully my DP agrees.

It certainly doesn't sound like a bundloe of fun there. Can you not do stuff others do to get away from each other eg you could pretend to have found God and go out to 2 church services whilst you are there and sing carols which sounds a lot more fun or get everyone singing at the house - I have printed sheets so people can sing in parts. Or bring monopoly or scabble or chess and have long games or just go out for long walks to get away from their 7 hours of sitting with a glass of wine which sounds very boring.l

The other thing people sometimes forget is work can be a boon sometimes - doing a few hours on the lap top can get people away from awful relatives. In fact HMRC find every year a lot of people escape hated relatives and spend a few hours doing their annual tax return - anything to avoid the in laws.

I don't get why the expensive gift thing is an issue....i think you dont really like them so you will perceive this as a sly trick when maybe theybjust like givingbgifts.
There is nothing wrong with not liking family but you should let your dh visit his alone as he clearly loves them. Perhaps not at xmas though...dosnt sound like huge fun.

Don’t go.

Sounds bad. Yanbu.
Fucking xmas ffs.

I just wouldn't go. I'd explain to my husband I'm not wasting my Christmas Day with people who scowl at me and don't speak. Surely he can see how they are with you?
You need a proper discussion with your husband.
Life is too short to put up with people like that.

It used to be like this with my in laws, it was horrible but I went for DH's sake. We also reduced the time we were there. If it helps, it got better after a few years of us setting boundaries, so in your case DH would leap on every snide comment and say 'what did you mean by that SIL/MIL?'

Can you go out for a walk? Stay in a hotel so there's a neutral place you can escape to?

I think the two cars idea is perfect! That way you're free to decide (at the last minute) whether you really want to go or not. There's always car trouble, sudden diarrhoea, overtime at work, or the like. Or you can leave as late as possible (a 'dead battery' is always good for a delay) to arrive just at bedtime OR be too tired to drive and go (late) the next morning. Having 2 cars also allows you to leave at the drop of a hat.

I understand the feeling of wanting to 'put up with it' for the sake of your DH. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, it's a personal decision. But you have to be wary of it crossing over into resentment against him for it.

This is too much like it is between you and SIL. How about you enroll DH as your protector? Ask him to be on duty to ensure SIL behaves nicely, given she listened to him last time. When she's a dick, look at DH with a raised eyebrow.

"You’re all right, it would cause issues for DH as it would be him that got the crap."
So you put up with it because you don't want him to get the crap, but I don't see anything in your posts that shows he does anything to stop his family crapping on you. So from where I'm standing, the problem is your husband - he LETS his family behave badly towards you without a peep from him.

"DH just doesn’t really notice anything, he also hates thinking bad of his family."
Doesn't notice? My arse! He is simply prioritising his family over you. Do not be conned that he doesn't notice.

"His sister did pointedly ignore me in front of him though earlier this year and he finally admitted that no, she wasn’t ever that friendly towards me."
His sister felt able to pointedly ignore you, because he had previously pretended not to notice her behaviour towards you. His past behaviour gave her permission to push it further, to the point he couldn't pretend any longer. But even then, what did he do?

"He asked her if she had an issue with me and she apparently started crying saying that of course she doesn’t and she’s upset both him and I think that she does."
The 'apparently' means he didn't ask her in front of you, doesn't it? And after she 'apparently' started crying, did he tell her to stop her shit? I suspect all he did was go "there, there, s'alright sis".

"She reigned the scowling and dirty looks in a bit for a while and actually even attempted some conversation once, but all that was short lived and she’s now gone back to her usual self."
Of course she's gone back to her shitty ways. She knows he's not going to call her out again.

"DH says so long as she is civil towards me and says hello etc that’s all he can really ask of her, and I get that, but it just means that time spent in his family’s company is often not a very nice experience for me."
And again, your husband prioritises his sister over his wife! No, it is not all he can ask of her; he could ask her to stop being a cow to you with her dirty looks etc. He could actually pay attention when he forces you into their company - pay attention to how his family treat you (sister's ignoring you and dirty looks, mother's barbed comments). AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS. But no, that would mean accepting his family are shitty to his wife, so he just sticks his head in the sand and by doing so, ensures that you have a shitty time!

So what to do about your useless husband?

Talk. Make it clear to him that he needs to step up. He needs to put into words and TELL YOU why he choose to put you through this shit. Because it is his choice. His family's behaviour towards you is putting your marriage under a strain, that is clear. You've reached the stage where "he goes for lots of weekends etc away on his own with them and I know he wishes he could share those moments with his wife." Well, he doesn't wish it hard enough to actually do anything about why you're not sharing them, does he? If his family behaved, you'd be there, but they don't so you don't.

If he's not prepared to back you up, he's a poor excuse for a husband. Sorry, but he is.

@squashyhat
Yes, miss. Sorry, miss.

I think the two cars thing is a good idea. I'd also take a bottle of Baileys (or whatever) a good supply of chocolate orange and a book and set myself up in a corner somewhere!

You could also plead a migraine and disappear upstairs if you feel the need to escape. I'd get there as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Then you can leave it 6 months before you see them again!

I think you're showing that you've had enough and will only go on your terms. Hopefully they'll realise and make more effort. If it goes the other way however, well I think you'd be justified in not going anymore.