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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong for wanting to go and volunteer abroad.

27 replies

Rapunzel25 · 19/12/2019 12:41

I’m on my mid twenties and I’m a qualified nurse. I really want to go and volunteer abroad for a short period of time. Not a year but a few months. I live with my boyfriend and he doesn’t seem happy for me to go. Basically saying he’d only be okay with it if we went together. I feel like I’m being out of order for wanting to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rapunzel25 · 19/12/2019 12:42

*In my mid twenties, sorry typo!

OP posts:
MissBPotter · 19/12/2019 12:44

Why do you feel out of order? I can understand that he would miss you but he could be a bit more supportive. Or could there be any opportunities for him to go with you? You are so young I think you should do this while you can, will be a great experience.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2019 12:44

Can you afford it financially or will he be left to pay the bills/rent/mortgage alone?

itsnotunusualtobelovedbyanyone · 19/12/2019 12:45

Is your BF controlling in any other ways?

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2019 12:46

Do it. Explore why he doesn’t want you to go. Is he insecure and jealous? Or will miss you so much he would prefer you didn’t follow your dream?

Neither of these is great. If he’s concerned for your safety that’s a reasonable concern which you can address by being sensible in your plans.

But go. Honestly these things are so much harder to do later on.

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 12:46

So it's not the volunteering that's the issue but him not allowing you to do things without him?

Pippin2028 · 19/12/2019 12:46

Do it whilst you can, its a great opportunity and your 20s are the time to do it.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 12:48

If it was a full year or longer I could understand. A few months should be perfectly fine. How did you phrase it and how serious are you two? just asking as I wonder if he feels you basically made the decision not considering him etc

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2019 12:56

You need to give more details OP, or the voting will be pretty pointless.

Original poster
Rapunzel25 · 19/12/2019 12:59

With regards to rent and bills I would save up enough to make sure I can pay those whilst I’m away. I wouldn’t want him to pay for it all for me while I was away because that is unfair. In fairness I haven’t really looked into us both going, but I guess that’s something I could try.

I just feel bad because I’ve always been a bit of a doormat and doing what other people want. And I always feel when I try and do things I want, maybe I’m being selfish, it always causes a problem. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But yes you’re quite right maybe he felt as though I just decided. I just really enjoy nursing and I would love to do that whilst seeing more of the world.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/12/2019 13:09

In that case I'd look into it properly. Work out how much money you'll need to save so you're not leaving him in the lurch and if you really can do it, then go for it.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:12

@Rapunzel25 I would say go for it then. Make plans and try to involve him as much as you can so he feels he was a part of the decision making. Maybe work out a system how you plan to keep in touch while you are away.

katy1213 · 19/12/2019 13:13

Your life, seize every opportunity and don't be held back by a man. Unless you're sure you want to move back with him, or have use of flat for storage while you're away, I don't see why you need to share expenses while you're away.

DonKeyshot · 19/12/2019 13:16

What part of the world do you want to see and have you decided on which charity you'll apply to?

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2019 13:16

Unless you're sure you want to move back with him, or have use of flat for storage while you're away, I don't see why you need to share expenses while you're away.

You'd seriously do that to someone? Move in with them, share the rent/bills etc and then just bugger off and leave it all to them? What if they couldn't afford to live alone for a few months?

MaybeDoctor · 19/12/2019 13:16

Now is the perfect time to do it! If not now, when?

Unless you have a mortgage together, I think he is being unreasonable.

partyhatsoff · 19/12/2019 13:18

Do it. He should be able to survive you being away for a few months.

hazell42 · 19/12/2019 13:30

Go.
Don't drag him along with you. You'll have much more fun on your own.
Screw him, basically

Alaimo · 19/12/2019 13:30

To me, your boyfriend sounds rather controlling. I don't like this 'you can only go if I come', but every relation is different. DH and I have always been fairly relaxed in that regard, and we have both had multiple trips away without the other, up to six weeks at a time. I know there are plenty of people (hi mum!) who think it's extremely odd that DH and I go away without the other person for that length of time.

What matters is are you happy for him to come? Does he have useful skills that he can use when volunteering abroad? Has he put any effort in trying to find an overseas opportunity that both of you would enjoy? And why does he not want you to go alone? Being worried about your safety when you're volunteering in a rough part of Capetown is one thing, if he is jealous and thinks you'll be shagging your way around the world, then that is a whole different situation.

However, whatever his reasons are, I think it is important to remember that it is not wrong for you to want to do something alone. You don't have to be joined at the hip at all times.

Jupiters · 19/12/2019 13:31

Is he worried you'd be leaving him in the lurch financially? Can he afford to stay in the flat without you? Would you mind if he went off for a few months to do something he was passionate about?

Not saying it's the same situation but I've got a friend (also a nurse) who always have amazing ideas of stuff to do, volunteering to nurse abroad, the next week she's planning on going somewhere else to build wells, the next week something else. If she posted on here it could sounds like her boyfriend is controlling, but it's actually him who manages to keep the pair of the them afloat financially while she's daydreaming and making grand plans. Not saying this is the same situation, but maybe sit him down, show him some more formal plans about how it's achievable.

I'd feel that you would still need to pay flat expenses whilst you were away. If I was in the other position and my partner announced he was going away for a couple of months, not pay anything towards our joint flat and then expect that I'd want to pick up the relationship when he gets back I'd laugh... While packing his stuff up and downloading tinder.

DramaDromedary · 19/12/2019 13:33

Definitely go. And never let a man put conditions on you living your life.

Purpleartichoke · 19/12/2019 13:34

As long as you can meet your financial commitments, I would go for it. The freedom of your mid-20s is fleeting. You also possess skills that make you a useful volunteer, unlike many people who wish to volunteer abroad.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:36

@Alaimo how would you feel if he just informed you he was leaving for 5-10 months. It could be a case he wanted to feel like he was taken into consideration

easyandy101 · 19/12/2019 13:38

Unless you're sure you want to move back with him, or have use of flat for storage while you're away, I don't see why you need to share expenses while you're away

wow

fruitbrewhaha · 19/12/2019 16:24

There's a big world out there, full of interesting adventures.
Don't hang around here in the rain.
You could go anywhere. Work in so many places. Work for charities abroad. Why just a couple of months? I'd ditch the boyfriend and be off.

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