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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry at my husband for being down

16 replies

chaos76 · 19/12/2019 09:41

My husband has recently gone back to work after taking a career break to help with our disabled DD, the place is a car crash with no organisation or leadership he is very intelligent and works hard, but hates the job to the extent he hasn't stopped crying for 3 days. I told him to quit the job but he says he is letting us all down I don't care about the money I just want him to be happy. I got really angry at him last night because I'm frustrated and feel like he is putting even more stress on me. I know depression isn't something you can snap out of but the job is and that will go a long way towards healing I Know I'm being a bitch but I'm sick of being the strong on all the time

OP posts:

saj90 · 19/12/2019 10:00

I doubt you are going to get a sympathetic reaction on here...

AutumnRose1 · 19/12/2019 10:04

" but hates the job to the extent he hasn't stopped crying for 3 days."

this automatically makes me feel terrible for him. Can he afford to drop it?

there's obviously a back story as you say you are always the strong one but there are definitely jobs like that and it does make you want to....well, you know!!

misspiggy19 · 19/12/2019 10:08

Me, me, me.

Your husband is in a very bad place mentally and all you can do is moan about yourself.

CarolinaPink · 19/12/2019 10:12

It sounds like you need to encourage him to see his GP to talk about the possibility of an AD. I understand it’s miserable for you, but it sounds as though he’s in urgent need of some support. Telling him off won’t help.

beautifulstranger101 · 19/12/2019 10:15

I'm not going to tell you you're selfish because I dont think you are. Its bloody hard to live with someone with chronic depression because you get little to no emotional support, you have to mentally be the strong one ALL the time, you get no breaks or time off, you have to constantly be the one pulling everyone towards their goals and its exhausting. (i'm not saying having depression is a walk in the park either btw- its not).
I'm just pointing out that it can be just as hard to live with someone with depression as it can be suffering from depression.

Look, he's had a career break and now he's had to go back to work. Ok, this job is horrendous. Its fine for him to be gutted about that but if thats the case then what action is he taking to look for another one? or, seek help from his GP to get his depression under control? Thats what I would be looking for. You cannot be expected to do absolutely everything - it is a massive burden to have and you will eventually end up becoming ill yourself if you dont get some help (then, you'll be no help to anyone). I would encourage him to look for another job and seek help from his GP regarding the depression. You aren't being a bitch- you have a disabled child to look after aswell- you can't be expected to do it all. None of us can.

sendinallthesheep · 20/12/2019 11:33

People will be horrible to you on here, but I completely understand where you are coming from. It is very hard to be the one who is constantly having to be steadfast and strong, run the whole show, be emotional and practical support and to never be allowed a moment of "weakness" yourself.

I agree with a PP, all you can do is encourage him to get help. I'm really sorry that you are both struggling, it's a horrible position to be in

RealMermaid · 20/12/2019 11:41

After a career break he's probably worried that the issue is him, rather than the job, and that it will look bad on his CV if he quits after being back at work such a short time. Is he getting some time off at Christmas? Try to reassure him that the issue is the workplace, not him, and be supportive in trying to find something else.

Original poster

chaos76 · 20/12/2019 12:03

Thank you all for your comments, he was treated like an idiot in this job and felt belittled, he stood up for himself to one of them, and I think it shook him. I feel its anxiety more than depression so will just give him lots of support and help him look for another job. But on a positive note I think me ranting on here has released my tension !

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 20/12/2019 14:03

I dont see why you should get a hard time on here, why should you help him if he won't help himself by leaving the job? I'd have short parience for that too.

Wingedharpy · 20/12/2019 14:16

I think if he's been crying for 3 days, he needs to see GP and take some time off sick.
While away from work, he can then use the time to discuss future and plan next move.
Discussing options with you and formulating a plan of action could help.
Change of job?
House husband?
Both of you work part-time at opposite times of day?
You are entitled to be angry and frustrated at the situation OP, unless you are a robot.
You have a lot to contend with right now - as does he, but at least he has a strong partner to help him.
You are not a bitch.
You're simply a human being with your own snapping point.
Good luck to both of you - hope you manage to get this sorted.

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 14:22

I don’t understand why people are being so awful to you OP.

Your husband hates his job so much he’s crying all the time. You’ve told him moneywise you can manage and to quit.

If I were him (and I have been as it goes) I’d not be going back.

My (now) DH supported me through something similar. I found a better job very quickly, it was the best thing I did.

Depression is awful. But it’s sometimes situational and changing the situation can pretty much solve things, which is what this sounds like.

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 14:31

Crying for three days? He needs antidepressants and maybe counselling. Get him to the GP ASAP. I understand your frustration if he won’t /is reluctant to go. Honestly he’s got one life and if he won’t help himself or his family, I wouldn’t have sympathy either. Speaking from someone who has long term depression.

hazell42 · 20/12/2019 14:34

You know what, it's extremely hard coping with people who are depressed.
Extremely hard.
I understand that people cant help it, but that doesnt mean that you should be just left to carry the load on your on. And for how long?
I stayed with my husband for years because i thought it wasnt his fault. Then I realised he was doing nothing to help himself and was just letting me take the strain
I'm not suggesting you leave him, like I did. But do make it clear to him that he has to help himself. First order of business would be to make a decision about the job.
No job is worth that much misery unless you're starving

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 20/12/2019 14:34

It’s very very hard living with someone who is depressed op. Don’t feel bad about needing to let off steam.

I agree that he needs to see his GP.

Original poster

chaos76 · 23/12/2019 11:28

we had a really good chat on Saturday night and it is the job !! he has been a lot brighter since he admitted to himself he wanted me to say it was alright to leave it.

OP posts:

SVRT19674 · 23/12/2019 11:51

I couldn't just read and move on so here goes. My husband is in this situation also. He works in a field that is precarious right now and has suffered discontinuation of projects especially in the last 3 years. It is ridiculous. For the last year and a half he has suffered depression and anxiety and it compounded with the birth of our daughter. I have now been the strong one practically rearing our daughter single handedly. She is now 16 months. It may be that, like my husband, he is not suitable for any role whatsoever for some time, until the meds kick in and he gets his issues treated psychologically. My husband has been a year off work and is going to interviews now. We have taken a massive economical hit and he is still having very bad days. It is complicated and draining. I've found it very hard. So hand hold, but bear in mind that mental health is just as important as heart disease and not having it seen to can destroy you (him in this case) or your marriage eventually.

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