To think men don't change?

[BoxtheRight]

I was with a man years ago who was abusive, verbally and emotionally, although not violently - he would punch walls etc, but never me (although there was just one time when he threw something off me, but I was never sure if that was the aim).

Anyway, he popped up in 'people you might know' on Facebook. I had a look out of curiosity and he's married with two kids.

I looked at his wife and wondered what sort of life he has. I do hope he's changed and not the controlling, abusive man he was with me, but realistically I don't think men like that can change. AIBU?

Of course he was violent!!!! punching walls is violent!

I meant violent in the sense that he never actually physically touched me.

Well thats a very, very low bar to set. He was violent. And you were lucky in that it ended before it escalated to punching you.

Hows your current relationship?

Eh? What bar? I'm not complementing him, I'm criticising him. I was very lucky. I have no doubt it would have got worse.

I'm not in one.

I don't know if you think I'm defending him in some way. I'm not. He was a cunt of the highest order.

That's why I've been wondering about his wife and whether he's abusive to her like he was to me. I hope he's changed and she isn't being abused, but I don't believe men like that ever change.

I agree. They might hide it better, for longer maybe. But people don’t change.

The main thing is, you can’t do anything, so juts block him.

The main thing is, you can’t do anything, so juts block him.

I didn't add him as a friend or anything, just had a look at his page. Haven't heard anything from him in well over a decade.

Op I get what you meant
I was with a guy for a short period he beat me up twice very badly. First time I left the second time because I wouldn't have him back. Smashed his mother house up to and got arrested.
He has a wife and two dc and I have thought in passing if he's still so angry.

I understand OP - I hope for her sake he has, but it’s rather unlikely you will even know and it can be so sad to think somebody else is enduring what you did with this person.

Can people change? Yes I would say they can, I did. As a teen and young adult I had severe anger issues, I was not easy to be around, I didn’t get physical in the slightest but my temper was awful so I made every effort I could to address this. When my DH met me and heard about this from my DBro (who brought it up lightheartedly) DH actually thought he was making it up, which must mean I did well!

Thing is your Ex may have changed, he may not have, a decade can really change a person, but you will never know so best not let his horrible behaviour in your relationship take up your headspace

I know one guy who changed, my friends partner. It was around 20 years ago he was violent and he was so shocked at what he saw at the court ordered anger management that he vowed not to be like those men and changed. I was terrified for my friend when they got back together but all these years later they are genuinely happy with 3 kids.

I am not saying this is the norm, I believe most violent men don't change but it is possible.

I don't think they can change completely. A rare few maybe.
My sister was married to an abusive violent arsewipe. She managed to flee one night in her nightwear after yet another battering.
He then went on to marry someone else who just refused to believe a word of it.
He was charming, gentle, perfect gent.
Till he battered her senseless around 18 months into their marriage.

Didn't realise there were more replies to this.

That is terrifying, DancingPyjamas.